55 Hilarious Long Jokes with Stories to Tell

Welcome to the world of long jokes, where humor and storytelling intertwine to bring laughter to our lives. In this collection of anecdotes, we’ll explore the realms of talking parrots, psychic dogs, lost tourists, smart salesmen, and many other amusing characters.

Humor, as we all know, can be quite subjective, but we’ll attempt to tickle your funny bone with a diverse range of tales. Given the sheer number of jokes, we’ll focus on just 30 to keep things manageable. So, sit back, relax, and get ready for a rollercoaster of laughter as we dive into these witty narratives.

Top 55 Long Jokes:

1. The Talking Parrot: A man goes to a pet shop and buys a talking parrot. He takes the parrot home and tries to teach the parrot how to say a few things, but instead, the parrot just swears at him. After a few hours of this, the man finally gets fed up and throws the parrot into the freezer to teach it a lesson. He hears the parrot squawking and kicking for a few minutes, but then all goes quiet. The man opens the freezer up, the parrot calmly steps out onto the man’s outstretched arm and says, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’ll endeavor to correct my behavior.” The man is astounded. As he’s about to ask the parrot what’s caused this sudden change in attitude, the parrot continues, “May I ask what the turkey did?”
2. The Psychic Dog: A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, “You can’t bring that dog in here.” The man replies, “But this is no ordinary dog, this dog can talk.” “Listen, pal,” the bartender says, “if that dog can talk, I’ll give you a hundred bucks.” The owner looks at the dog and says, “Fido, what’s the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from getting inside?” The dog answers “ROOF.” “Listen, pal…” the bartender starts to say, but the owner interrupts, “Wait, wait… he’s not finished. Fido, how does sandpaper feel?” “RUFF.” The bartender roars, “Get out of here!” As they’re walking out the door, the dog turns to his owner and asks, “DiMaggio?”
3. The Math Exam: A young college student was having trouble with his final math exam. He knew his professor was a golf lover, so he came up with a scheme. He told the professor, “If I can hit a golf ball into that cup from here, will you give me an A?” The professor, amused and curious, agreed. The student swung and to the professor’s surprise, the ball went right into the cup. “Okay,” said the professor, “I’ll give you an A, but only if you can tell me your golf score.” The student replied, “Well, with that hole-in-one, I’d say it’s -1.”
4. The Smart Salesman: A door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman manages to bully his way into a woman’s home in a rural area. “This machine is the best ever, I assure you ma’am,” he says. “It can clean anything. In fact, I’ll give you a demonstration. If this machine doesn’t remove all the dirt from your carpets and completely clean them, I’ll eat whatever it leaves!” The woman smiles and asks, “Would you like ketchup or mayonnaise on your dirt? We don’t have electricity here.”
5. The Fisherman’s Tale: A fisherman returns from his fishing trip and tells his friends, “I caught a fish that was so big, when I got it onto the boat, the boat sank.” “That sounds like a whopper,” his friend replies. “It was,” says the fisherman. “But that’s not the best part. When I swam back to shore, I found the fish sitting there waiting for me.”
6. The Lost Tourist: A tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally checking his map to get back on track. After some time, he realizes he is lost. Fortunately, he spots a cab and hails it. He instructs the driver to take him to the most popular tourist spot. The cabbie turns around and says, “No problem, mate. Here we are!”
7. The Wise Farmer: A big-city lawyer went duck hunting in rural areas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked what he was doing. The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.” The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you’re not coming over here.” The indignant lawyer said, “I’m one of the best trial attorneys in the city, and if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.” The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in the countryside. We settle small disagreements with the ‘Three Kick Rule.'” The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?” The farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.” The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, you old coot. Now it’s my turn.” The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.”
8. The Honest Neighbor: A man is struggling to find a parking space. “Lord,” he prays. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday.” Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man says, “Never mind, I found one!”
9. The Late Night Phone Call: In the middle of the night, a man gets a phone call from his doctor. The doctor says, “I have some good news and some bad news.” The man says, “Okay, give me the good news first.” The doctor says, “The good news is, you have 24 hours to live.” The man replies, “That’s the good news? Then what’s the bad news?” The doctor says, “The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday.”
10. The Optimistic Son: A man was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol. He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died. “All right, son,” asked the father, “what does that show you?” “Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms.”
11. The Smart Parrot: A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, “Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!” The lady was furious and continued on her way. On the way home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more said “Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!” She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn’t say it again. The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. “Hey, lady!” it squawked, “Yes?” She paused. “You know.”
12. The Bar Competition: A man walks into a bar and notices a competition being held. “Whoever can make this horse laugh, wins free drinks for the whole night,” says the bartender. A man gets up, whispers in the horse’s ear and it starts laughing. “You win,” says the bartender and gives him free drinks for the night. The next night, the competition is still on. “Whoever can make this horse cry, wins free drinks for the whole night,” says the bartender. The same man gets up, walks over to the horse, and it starts crying. The bartender asks, “How did you do that?” The man replies, “Yesterday, I told him I was bigger than him. Today, I showed him.”
13. The Divorce Lawyer: A man goes to see a divorce lawyer. “How much do you charge?” he asks. “A thousand dollars for three questions,” replies the lawyer. “Isn’t that a bit steep?” the man asks. “Yes,” replies the lawyer. “Now what’s your third question?”
14. The Fish and the Genie: A man fishing at a river is about to throw his third catch back into the water when the fish speaks. “Please,” it begs, “spare my life and I’ll grant you three wishes.” “Okay,” says the man. “I wish for a big mansion, a shiny sports car, and a million dollars.” “Done,” says the fish. “Now please throw me back.” The man agrees, tossing the fish back into the river. He then starts to walk away, but then he stops, turns around and says, “Hey, you didn’t grant my wishes!” The fish calls out, “And you didn’t believe I could talk!”
15. The Speeding Driver: A man is speeding down a highway when he gets pulled over by a cop. The officer comes up to the car and says, “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?” The man replies, “I’m sorry officer, I was rushing to a lecture about the negative impacts of alcohol abuse and the importance of staying within the law.” Intrigued, the officer asks, “Really? Who’s giving that lecture at this time of night?” The man smirks and says, “My wife.”
16. The Pianist: A man walks into a bar and sees a piano player, but the piano player is only a foot tall. He asks the bartender, “What’s with the tiny piano player?” The bartender says, “Oh, I found a magic lamp and the genie granted me a wish, but he’s hard of hearing. I asked for a twelve-inch pianist!”
17. The Church Bells: A bishop advertises a job to ring the bell in his tower. The only job applicant is a hunchback with no arms. Bishop: “How can you do the job? You can’t pull the rope!” Hunchback: “I have a plan – but we have to go to the top of the tower, where the bell is.” ..So they climb all those stairs to the top of the tower. Bishop: “Ok, show me your plan.” The hunchback runs and jumps at the bell, striking it with his head. Sure enough, he rings the bell. The bishop says, “That’s amazing! …but you’ll get a headache.” The hunchback replies, “No problem, I’ll get used to it.” And he gets the job. One day, the hunchback decides to put a little extra into his bell ringing, so he steps back, and then runs and jumps at the bell, and hits it with his head – but he missed, slips, and falls off the tower, plummeting to his death. A crowd gathers and a policeman arrives. A bystander asks, “Do you know this man?” The cop replies, “No, but his face rings a bell.”
18. The Perfect Man: A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Brian!” Passenger: “Who?” Cabbie: “Brian Sullivan. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time.” Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.” Cabbie: “Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.” Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.” Cabbie: “There’s more… He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right.” Passenger: “Wow. Some guy then.” Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan.” Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?” Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I’m married to his widow.”
19. The Lie Detector: A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner. “Son, where were you today?” The son says, “At school, dad.” Robot slaps the son. “Okay, I watched a DVD at my friend’s house!” “What DVD?” “Kung Fu Panda.” Robot slaps the son. “Okay, it was an adult film!” Dad yells, “What? When I was your age I didn’t know what an adult film was!” Robot slaps the dad. Mom laughs, “He’s certainly your son!” Robot slaps the mom.
20. The Exorcism: A man goes to a priest and says, “Father, my son is possessed by a mute spirit.” The priest replies, “Sorry, I can’t help. I can’t deal with silent treatment.”
21. The Silent Treatment: A husband and wife were having a fight. The wife decided to go for the silent treatment. The husband, realizing he was in trouble, wrote on a piece of paper: “Wake me up at 6 AM, I have a flight.” The next morning, he woke up at 9 AM and missed his flight. Furious, he saw a piece of paper on the bedside table: “Wake up, it’s 6 AM.”
22. The Optimist and the Pessimist: There were twin boys of five or six. Worried that the boys had developed extreme personalities – one was a total pessimist, the other a total optimist – their parents took them to a psychiatrist. First, the psychiatrist treated the pessimist. Trying to brighten his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with brand-new toys. But instead of yelping with delight, the little boy burst into tears. “What’s the matter?” the psychiatrist asked, baffled. “Don’t you want to play with any of the toys?” “Yes,” the little boy bawled, “but if I did I’d only break them.” Next the psychiatrist treated the optimist. Trying to dampen his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with horse manure. But instead of wrinkling his nose in disgust, the optimist emitted just the yelp of delight the psychiatrist had been hoping to hear from his brother, the pessimist. Then he clambered to the top of the pile, dropped to his knees, and began gleefully digging out scoop after scoop with his bare hands. “What do you think you’re doing?” the psychiatrist asked, just as baffled by the optimist as he had been by the pessimist. “With all this manure,” the little boy replied, beaming, “there must be a pony in here somewhere!”
23. The Jealous Husband: A man was suspicious that his wife was cheating on him, so he hired a private investigator. The cheapest he could find was a Chinese man. This was the Chinese PI’s report about what he found: “Most honorable, sir. You leave house. I watch house. He come to house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree-look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall out tree. Not see. No fee. Cheng Lee.”
24. The Spelling Bee: A boy enters a spelling bee at school. The teacher says, “your word is ‘crab’”. The boy replies “C-R-A-P”. The teacher laughs and says “that’s funny but that’s not how you spell crab”.
25. The Barber Shop: A man walks into a barber shop for a shave. The barber asks him to put a small wooden ball in his mouth so he can get a closer shave around his cheeks. The man asks: “But what if I swallow it?” The barber replies: “No problem, sir. You just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else.”
26. The Psychic Parrot: A lady went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50. “Why so little?” she asked the pet store owner. The owner replied, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of ill repute, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.” The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.” The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s not so bad.” When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.” The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman’s husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, “Hi, Keith!”
27. The Mummy Mystery: A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance: 1. A dog 2. A donkey 3. A shovel 4. A fish 5. A Star of David. They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. After months of conferences, they held a huge meeting to discuss the meaning of the markings. The president of their society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, “This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have pets. Next, we can see that they believed this dog to be their best friend as it is shown next to the image of a donkey, in fact, they must have been such good friends that they explored the desert together. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they probably buried their dead. Then, this fish, which means, they had a famine that hit the earth and probably had to live off fish which is why they drew the star of David, to help guide them at night.” Everyone applauded and agreed, until a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, “Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. It says: ‘Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Bitch’!”
28. The Broken Clock: Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: “Jesus is watching you!” Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. “Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. He looked around frantically. He saw a bird cage in the corner with a parrot in it. “Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?” he asked. “Yes”, said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: “What’s your name?” “Clarence,” said the bird. “That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Clarence?” The parrot said, “The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus.”
29. The Programmer’s Wife: The wife of a programmer says, “Go to the store and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer comes back with 12 loaves of bread.
30. The Lost Luggage: A man calls the airline customer service desk and asks, “How long does a flight from New York to Chicago take?” The agent replies, “Just a minute…” “Thank you,” the man says, and hangs up.
31. The Elephant and the Ant: An elephant and an ant are in a swimming race. The ant is about to win, but he stops just before crossing the finish line. “Why’d you stop?” asks the elephant. “I had to get out to pee!” replies the ant.
32. The Voice from Above: A drunk man who smelled of beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say, Father, what causes arthritis?” “Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man,” the priest replied. “Well, I’ll be damned,” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?” “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”
33. The Talking Dog: A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever. “You talk?” he asks. “Yep,” the Lab replies. “So, what’s your story?” The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger, so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.” The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. “Ten dollars,” the guy says. “Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?” “Because he’s a liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff.”
34. The Talking Muffin: Two muffins were sitting in the oven. One turned to the other and said, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one shouted, “Wow, a talking muffin!”
35. The Doctor and the Lawyer: A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?” “I give them the advice,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.” The doctor was shocked but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
36. The Penguin’s Car Trouble: A penguin is driving through the desert when his car breaks down. He calls a tow truck, which brings him to a mechanic in a small town. The mechanic tells him it’ll be an hour until he knows what’s wrong. The penguin sees an ice cream shop across the street, so he goes over to get a cone to beat the heat. When he comes back, the mechanic says, “It looks like you blew a seal.” The penguin, wiping his face, says, “Oh no, it’s just ice cream.”
37. The Lost Luggage, Part 2: The same man calls the airline again and asks, “How long does a flight from New York to Boston take?” The agent replies, “Just a minute…” “Thanks,” says the man, and hangs up again.
38. The Lightbulb Joke: How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the bulb has to really want to change.
39. The Escaped Convict: An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room with the chair in tow, and whispered to his wife: “Listen, this guy hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, just go along with it. He’s probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.” His wife responded: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too.”
40. The Pizza Delivery: Why did the man bring a ladder to the bar? Because he heard the drinks were on the house.
41. The Genie and the Wish: A man finds a genie in a lamp. The genie says, “I will grant you one wish.” The man says, “I wish I were rich.” The genie replies, “It is done. What is your PIN?”
42. The Blonde and the Library: A blonde goes into a library and cheerfully says, “Hi! I’m here to see the doctor!” The librarian, confused, quietly replies, “This is a library.” The blonde, realizing her mistake, whispers, “Oh, sorry. I’m here to see the doctor.”
43. The 50 Cent Piece: A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!” The man says, “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
44. The Farmer’s Chickens: A city slicker moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks. “That’s a lot of chicks,” commented the proprietor. “I mean business,” the city slicker replied. A week later the man was back again. “I need another 100 chicks,” he said. “Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming,” the man told him. “Yeah,” the city slicker replied. “If I can iron out a few problems.” “Problems?” asked the proprietor. “Yeah,” replied the city slicker, “I think I planted that last batch too close together.”
45. The Big Game: Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
46. The Failed Experiment: Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
47. The Confused Carpenter: Did you hear about the carpenter who confused his chisel with his pencil? He looked sharp, but he was a bit dull.
48. The Fishy Business: Why don’t fish play piano? Because you can’t tuna fish.
49. The Worst Artist: I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.
50. The Book Lover: I read a book on anti-gravity. I couldn’t put it down.
51. The Skydiving Lesson: Why don’t blind people skydive? Because it scares the crap out of their dogs.
52. The Forgetful Astronaut: Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum? He got stuck in Orbit.
53. The Perfect Pitch: Why did Johnny bring a ladder to choir practice? Because he wanted to reach the high notes!
54. The Not-So-Silent Treatment: My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
55. The Fatherly Advice: I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.” He said, “NO!” I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.” He said, “OK.” I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.” Bill Gates said, “NO.” I told Bill Gates, “My son is the CEO of the World Bank.” Bill Gates said, “OK.” I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO. He said, “NO.” I told him, “My son is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.” He said, “OK.”

Summing Up

Laughter is undoubtedly the best medicine, and these long jokes have certainly provided a hearty dose of it. From talking animals to clever comebacks, each story brought its own unique charm and comedic touch. We hope you’ve enjoyed this lighthearted journey and found yourself chuckling along the way.

Remember, humor can brighten even the darkest days and bring people together with joy and smiles. So, whether you’re sharing these jokes with friends or simply relishing them on your own, keep spreading the laughter and embracing the joy that comes with a good sense of humor. After all, life is too short not to find delight in its comical twists and turns. Happy laughing!