141 Best Man Speech Jokes

Ladies and gentlemen, family, friends, and honored guests, thank you all for gathering here today to celebrate the joyous union of [bride’s name] and [groom’s name]. As the best man, it is both an honor and a pleasure to stand before you and share some light-hearted moments to mark this special occasion.

Throughout the years, I have had the privilege of witnessing [groom’s name] grow into the man he is today. And today, we gather here not only to celebrate his marriage but also to indulge in some good-natured humor and share a few best man speech jokes. I must say, as I sifted through these jokes, I couldn’t help but chuckle at the sheer wit and charm they hold. So, let’s have some laughs and celebrate this wonderful couple.

Top 141 Best Man Speech Jokes:

1. If there’s anyone feeling nervous, apprehensive and queasy about what lies ahead, it’s probably because you just married [groom’s name].
2. Why does [groom’s name] carry a map in the car? Because he always loses the arguments with [bride’s name].
3. [Groom’s name] is a great man. He’s smart, handsome, and talented. I’m sorry, I can’t read your handwriting, [groom’s name], what else am I supposed to say about you?
4. [Groom’s name], I hope your marriage is like a kitchen sink – full of dirty dishes, but running smoothly.
5. The key to a successful marriage is a strong sense of humor. After all, [bride’s name] did say “Yes” to [groom’s name].
6. Did you know that marriage is the leading cause of divorce? Don’t say I didn’t warn you, [groom’s name].
7. They say love is blind. But looking at [groom’s name], it’s clear that it’s also deaf, mute, and has no sense of smell.
8. Marriage is like a beautiful bird. If you hold it too tight, it chokes, if you hold it too loose, it flies away. [Groom’s name], I recommend a moderate grip… and maybe a cage.
9. [Groom’s name], do you know what’s the difference between a bachelor and a married man? About 30 pounds!
10. Remember, [groom’s name], a successful marriage is falling in love many times, always with the same person. Not with the barmaid from the local pub.
11. [Groom’s name], a good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. You’re in luck, my friend.
12. Ladies and gentlemen, if you see [groom’s name] looking blank and silent in the corner during the party, don’t worry. He’s just practicing married life.
13. [Bride’s name], always remember that [groom’s name] is like a fine wine. He will get better with age. The only catch is, you have to keep him in the dark and feed him cheese.
14. I’ve been told the best speech makers follow three simple rules: Stand Up, Speak Up, then very quickly, Shut Up. I’ll try to stick to that advice unless [groom’s name] has already paid me per minute.
15. [Groom’s name] always wanted to be treated like a king in his marriage. Well, be careful what you wish for – remember who did the beheading in the French Revolution.
16. People always say that opposites attract. In [groom’s name] and [bride’s name]’s case, he’s real and she’s patient.
17. [Bride’s name] has told me she’s looking forward to a lifetime of laughter. [Groom’s name], I wouldn’t start telling your jokes just yet.
18. [Groom’s name], they say marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life. [Bride’s name], the countdown has begun.
19. I’ve been [groom’s name]’s best friend for many years. After all, somebody has to be.
20. When [groom’s name] asked me to be his best man, he made me swear to make my speech neither too smart for him to understand nor too dumb for everyone else to enjoy. I said, “I’m not a miracle worker, [groom’s name].”
21. [Groom’s name], always remember the three rings of marriage: the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.
22. It’s said that when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it’s love; after marriage, it’s self-defense. Good luck, [groom’s name].
23. Why do men get married? Because they can’t sleep with the light on.
24. Here’s a piece of advice for [groom’s name]: Never laugh at [bride’s name]’s choices. You’re one of them.
25. In marriage, they say you don’t marry the person you can live with. You marry the person you can’t live without. Or in [groom’s name]’s case, the person who can’t live without his cooking.
26. [Groom’s name], I’m surprised you got down on one knee to propose. I didn’t think you could kneel with your football injuries.
27. Here’s a secret, [groom’s name]. A happy marriage is about three things: memories of togetherness, forgiveness of mistakes, and a promise to never give up on each other. Also, remembering to take out the trash.
28. I was always told that the key to a happy marriage is a good sense of humor and selective hearing. I guess that’s why [groom’s name] still thinks he’s a good singer.
29. Ladies and gentlemen, I want to make a toast to [groom’s name] and [bride’s name]. To love, laughter, and a happily ever after. Plus, a few spare bedrooms for when they need alone time.
30. [Groom’s name] is a man of many talents, but remember, having a lot of candles on your cake is not a talent.
31. Do you know what the difference between in-laws and outlaws is? Outlaws are wanted!
32. [Groom’s name] said he wanted more responsibility, so we got him a goldfish. When he didn’t kill it, we let him propose to [bride’s name].
33. Marriage is when a man and woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
34. [Groom’s name], marriage is like a card game. In the beginning, all you need are two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you’re looking for a club and a spade.
35. [Groom’s name], you’ve always wanted a place of your own. With marriage, you’ll have a space in the kitchen and a corner in the garage.
36. [Groom’s name], in marriage, the man is the head of the household, and the woman is the neck that turns the head. Good luck moving in any direction without [bride’s name]’s permission!
37. [Groom’s name], you’re like a brother to me. A brother who owes me 20 bucks.
38. Marriage is all about compromise. For example, if [groom’s name] wants to watch football, [bride’s name] is okay with that while she shops online on his credit card.
39. I’ve always told [groom’s name] that marriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy. He didn’t listen, and here we are.
40. In the words of the great Rodney Dangerfield, “My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”
41. [Groom’s name] and [bride’s name], remember the key to a happy marriage: have a quick mind and a slow mouth.
42. [Groom’s name], I hear the best way to remember your anniversary is to forget it once.
43. They say marriages are made in heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
44. Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in, and those inside are desperate to come out.
45. [Groom’s name], do you know the most effective way to remember your wedding anniversary? Forget it once.
46. When [groom’s name] told me he was getting married, I said, “On purpose?”
47. [Groom’s name] and [bride’s name] go together like a horse and carriage. But remember, [groom’s name], even a horse gets a day off.
48. [Groom’s name], you may be married, but you don’t have to grow up! You’ll always be a kid at heart…and in your jokes.
49. Remember, [groom’s name], a man is incomplete until he’s married. After that, he’s finished.
50. [Groom’s name], I’ve always known you to be a smart man. After all, you knew better than to say no to [bride’s name]!
51. Why do husbands die before their wives? Because they want to.
52. When [groom’s name] asked me for marriage advice, I told him to always remember to say these three words: “I was wrong.”
53. Remember, [groom’s name], you don’t marry someone you can live with — you marry the person who you cannot live without. I guess your PlayStation wasn’t ready to settle down.
54. They say that marriage is a 50/50 partnership, which means [bride’s name] will be doing the cooking, and [groom’s name] will be eating the cooking.
55. I’ve known [groom’s name] for a long time, and he’s always been a little bit scared of spiders. Fortunately, [bride’s name] has proven she’s not afraid to tackle the big issues… like spiders in the bathroom.
56. To my best friend [groom’s name], they say you don’t really know a woman until you’ve met her in court.
57. Remember, [groom’s name], love is all about chemistry. And hopefully, [bride’s name] will continue to overlook your lack of it in the kitchen.
58. They say marriage is like a deck of cards. You start with two hearts and a diamond, and by the end, you’re looking for a club and a spade.
59. Did you know that [groom’s name] once told me that [bride’s name] is his angel? She must be – she’s been constantly hovering over him since they met.
60. In the spirit of marriage, [groom’s name] has promised to split everything 50/50 with [bride’s name]. She gets the house; he gets the shed.
61. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s been emotional… a bit like watching [groom’s name] trying to tie his own bow tie.
62. The secret to a happy marriage remains a secret, but if [bride’s name] can put up with [groom’s name]’s snoring, they’re halfway there.
63. [Groom’s name], remember, the only one of your fantasies that [bride’s name] can fulfill is taking out the trash.
64. [Groom’s name], you’ve always said you wanted to be treated like a king. Well, welcome to the reign of Queen [bride’s name].
65. Here’s some advice for you, [groom’s name]: If you ever want to win an argument with [bride’s name], just remember to be at her level… and agree with her.
66. [Groom’s name], your life won’t change much after marriage. The TV remote might just not be where you left it.
67. [Groom’s name], always remember: ‘Yes, dear’ are the two most important words in a marriage.
68. [Groom’s name], you were always the Batman to my Robin, the Sherlock to my Watson. But now, you’ll be the Fred to [bride’s name]’s Wilma.
69. [Groom’s name], a word of advice: Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
70. [Groom’s name], now that you’re married, you can finally understand the true meaning of blissful ignorance.
71. [Groom’s name], you always had a way with words. Now you’ll always have to watch your words.
72. In marriage, two become one. So, [groom’s name], say goodbye to your decision-making skills.
73. In [groom’s name]’s case, getting married doesn’t mean getting a boss. It means getting a boss who loves you.
74. [Groom’s name], if you want peace in your marriage, always remember this: If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.
75. [Groom’s name], remember that you’re not losing a bachelor pad. You’re gaining a fully decorated home.
76. [Groom’s name], I must say you look stunning today… or was that [bride’s name]? I always get you two confused.
77. I knew [groom’s name] was ready to get married when he stopped swiping left or right and started swiping his credit card for the wedding preparations.
78. When [groom’s name] proposed to [bride’s name], she asked him if he’s sure. He said he’s never been more frightened in his life.
79. Marriage is a lot like a poker game. At first, you have two hearts and a diamond. But later, you want a club and a spade.
80. [Groom’s name], if you think it’s cool to stay out until 2 am now, wait until you’re taking the baby out at 2 am. You’ll be the coolest.
81. [Groom’s name], you’re the most generous person I know. You’re always giving… especially advice that nobody asked for.
82. Do you know why [groom’s name] decided to get married? Because it’s not worth the hassle to argue about it.
83. I’ve known [groom’s name] for years, and he’s always been there for me. Like that time I moved. He was right there, in my way.
84. [Groom’s name], I hope you’re better at marriage than you are at picking your fantasy football team.
85. They say you can’t have your cake and eat it too. [Groom’s name], meet your cake.
86. The most effective way to remember your wedding anniversary is to forget it… once.
87. Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it’s not so hot.
88. [Groom’s name] has always been a smart man. He knew better than to die a bachelor.
89. [Groom’s name], I must say, you’re a lucky man. [Bride’s name] still married you even after she met me.
90. Ladies and gentlemen, let’s have a moment of silence for [groom’s name]’s single life. May it rest in peace.
91. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
92. [Groom’s name], may all your ups and downs come only in the bedroom.
93. [Groom’s name], you’re like a brother to me. A brother who owes me 50 bucks.
94. [Groom’s name], I’ve known you for a long time, and if there’s one piece of advice I can give you, it’s this: Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement. In the end, you ignore everything and click ‘I agree.’
95. Remember, [groom’s name], marriage is a relationship where one person is always right, and the other is the husband.
96. [Groom’s name], remember, ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I apologize’ mean the same thing…except at a funeral.
97. [Groom’s name], don’t think of it as losing your freedom. Think of it as upgrading to a better model.
98. They say love is blind. Marriage is like having a magnifying glass.
99. [Groom’s name], you used to be indecisive, but now, you’re not so sure.
100. [Groom’s name], remember, all men are idiots, and you married their queen.
101. If [groom’s name] says he’s the king of his castle, ask him why he’s sitting outside with a dog.
102. [Groom’s name], when you get into a heated argument with [bride’s name], just remember – even if you win, you lose.
103. [Groom’s name], they say marriage lets you annoy one person for the rest of your life. You’re welcome, [bride’s name].
104. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
105. [Groom’s name], you’ll never be alone in marriage… and I’m not talking about [bride’s name]. I mean her five cats.
106. [Groom’s name], you always wanted a fan club. Now, you have one member.
107. [Groom’s name], you always said you wanted an assistant. Well, you got one, but you may have misread the job description.
108. [Groom’s name], may your life be filled with laughter, your love story be an inspiration, and your browser history be deleted.
109. [Groom’s name], remember, a happy wife is a happy life. An unhappy wife, however, results in a very, very quiet house.
110. [Groom’s name], marriage is grand — and divorce is about 10 grand.
111. [Groom’s name], remember to always treat [bride’s name] with respect. She knows more about you than your life insurance company.
112. They say love is blind, but marriage restores its sight.
113. [Groom’s name], I have to say, you’ve finally found the one… person to put up with your snoring.
114. [Groom’s name], now that you’re married, you can’t think of yourself. You have to think of [bride’s name]… thinking about you.
115. [Groom’s name], marriage is like a fine wine; if left uncorked, it gets better. But if you forget about it for too long, it starts to taste like vinegar.
116. Marriage is not about finding a person you can live with; it’s about finding the person you can’t live without. Which, for [groom’s name], would be his Xbox.
117. [Groom’s name], do you know why the bride always wears white? Because it’s good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
118. [Groom’s name], remember: in the world of marriage, the road to true love is never a highway. It’s more like a roundabout with lots of exits.
119. A good marriage is like a good wine. It gets better with age. An average marriage is like milk. It goes sour with time. And a bad marriage is like fish. It stinks right away.
120. [Groom’s name], here’s my marriage advice: The key to a long-lasting marriage is a short memory.
121. [Groom’s name], in your marriage, always remember the two most important words: ‘Yes, dear.’
122. I know [groom’s name] is going to be a great husband because he’s been practicing… with his mom.
123. [Groom’s name], remember, you can be right, or you can be happy.
124. [Groom’s name], remember, a man in love is incomplete until he’s married. Then he’s finished.
125. [Groom’s name], you’re about to learn the three rings of marriage: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.
126. Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up.
127. They say marriages are made in heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
128. [Groom’s name], remember, love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
129. [Groom’s name], they say the secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. But if you leave the toilet seat down, you’re halfway there.
130. [Groom’s name], I think marriage is the best teacher. You get to learn things like how to convert “Yes, I’d love to watch the game” into “Sure, I’ll hang the laundry.”
131. [Groom’s name], your marriage will be like a workshop. You work, and [bride’s name] shops.
132. [Groom’s name], always remember, if you’re wrong, admit it, if you’re right, keep quiet. That’s the key to a happy marriage.
133. [Groom’s name], you’ve always been a trendsetter. You’re starting married life when most people are trying to escape it.
134. [Groom’s name], do you know what’s the difference between marriage and a tornado? Nothing. They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end, you lose your house.
135. [Groom’s name], marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it’s not so hot.
136. [Groom’s name], you were always the Batman to my Robin, the Sherlock to my Watson. But now, you’ll be the Fred to [bride’s name]’s Wilma.
137. [Groom’s name], remember that you’re not losing a bachelor pad. You’re gaining a fully decorated home.
138. [Groom’s name], always remember that a happy marriage is about three things: memories of togetherness, forgiveness of mistakes, and a promise to never give up on each other. And a lot of shopping.
139. [Groom’s name], you’ve always been a fast learner. Just not when it comes to loading the dishwasher.
140. [Groom’s name], I must say you look stunning today… or was that [bride’s name]? I always get you two confused.
141. [Groom’s name], you always wanted to be the king of the house. Congratulations, you’re now the king of the dollhouse.

Conclusion

In closing, I want to raise a toast to [bride’s name] and [groom’s name]. May your journey together be filled with endless love, laughter, and cherished memories. Remember, marriage is a beautiful partnership that thrives on love, patience, and the ability to see the humor in life’s ups and downs.

As we look forward to the adventures that lie ahead, let us always treasure the light-hearted moments that bring joy to our hearts. Today, we have shared some laughter, and I hope these best man speech jokes have added a special touch to this celebration. Let us carry this joy in our hearts as we support and cheer on [bride’s name] and [groom’s name] in their life together.

Here’s to the happy couple, may they continue to brighten each other’s lives and find humor in every step of their journey. Cheers!