57+ satire jokes

  1. Why don’t politicians play chess? Because every time the queen moves, they’d have to start a new scandal.
  2. My phone’s facial recognition can’t identify me in the morning. Even AI thinks I need beauty sleep.
  3. If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
  4. Conspiracy theories are like belly buttons, everyone’s got one but most don’t serve any purpose.
  5. I tried being a minimalist once. I was left with nothing.
  6. Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.
  7. My bank called me for a loan… I said, “Sorry, I can’t help you. I’m saving for a rainy day.”
  8. “Can I pay my taxes with thoughts and prayers?” I asked. The IRS just doesn’t have a sense of humor.
  9. Bought a memory foam mattress, it remembered me from high school and won’t stop bringing up embarrassing moments.
  10. I stopped at a vegan restaurant yesterday. I left hungry, but at least my conscience was full.
  11. I wonder if clouds look down on us and say, “That one’s shaped like an idiot.”
  12. I tried to download patience, but the internet was too slow.
  13. If an AI goes to therapy, does it use machine learning or human unlearning?
  14. They say practice makes perfect. Tell that to the guy who’s been playing the bagpipes next door for five years.
  15. Tried to make a joke about the periodic table. But I couldn’t get a reaction.
  16. I told my therapist I hear voices. She said, “You don’t have a therapist.”
  17. My new diet says I can eat anything I want… as long as I can catch it.
  18. Is it ironic that the only time a politician doesn’t lie is when they call another politician a liar?
  19. If 2020 was a beverage, it would be a colonoscopy prep.
  20. If Mondays were shoes, they’d be Crocs.
  21. My dog asked for a LinkedIn account. I guess he wants to add “barking” to his skillset.
  22. Every time I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and snickers.
  23. My boss said, “You’re the most average employee I have.” I said, “Wow, that’s just mean.”
  24. What’s a hipster’s favorite exercise? Jumping to conclusions.
  25. Can’t wait to explain daylight saving time to my microwave and oven… again.
  26. I love nature. Especially when it’s in Wi-Fi range.
  27. If sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, then puns must be the foundation.
  28. I asked Siri why I’m still single. She turned on the front camera.
  29. Climate change is like procrastination. We know we should do something, but we’ll just wait for the last minute.
  30. 3 out of 4 voices in my head want to sleep. The other wants to know if penguins have knees.
  31. Why don’t some people make New Year’s resolutions? They’re still working on their last year’s to-do list.
  32. I tried to be an influencer once, but my mom said she wasn’t impressed.
  33. An optimist invented the airplane; a pessimist, the parachute. A realist? He’s still using train.
  34. My digital assistant asked me for a raise. I said, “Sorry, I don’t compute.”
  35. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
  36. Adulting is like folding a fitted sheet. No one really knows how.
  37. They say follow your dreams… But does anyone know the way to a world where donuts are calorie-free?
  38. AI says, “I think, therefore I am.” The toaster says, “I heat, therefore I jam.”
  39. If only we put as much effort into our jobs as we do choosing a Netflix series.
  40. My phone has more processing power than the Apollo 11 computer. So why can’t it find where I left my keys?
  41. “I like long walks,” says my Fitbit.
  42. I told my scale to stop fat-shaming me. It said it was just doing its job.
  43. My GPS asked me to take a U-turn. I said, “I’m not ready for a relationship.”
  44. I told my car’s navigation system, “Home.” It replied, “You should really get one.”
  45. I joined a health club. They offered a two-week money-back guarantee. I lost 10 pounds in one week. They gave me my money back.
  46. Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.
  47. Why don’t we tell secrets on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears, and the beans stalk.
  48. I told the coffee at the office, “You’re brew-tal.”
  49. If I was a superhero, I would be Aluminum Man. My superpower? Foiling plans.
  50. My mirror and my camera have two completely different ideas of what I look like.
  51. A synonym is a word you use in place of a word you can’t spell.
  52. I told my parents I want to be a stand-up comedian. They laughed at me.
  53. Apparently, I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
  54. When I said “the other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
  55. I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
  56. Some people are like clouds. Once they disappear, it’s a beautiful day.
  57. Why don’t secret agents sleep? Because they don’t want to be caught napping.
  58. My math teacher calls me average. How mean!
  59. Why do astronauts use Linux? Because you can’t open Windows in space.
  60. If I had a face like yours, I’d sue my parents.
  61. Why don’t programmers like nature? It has too many bugs.
  62. If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted, I wish I had some ice cream.
  63. Why do we tell actors to break a leg? Because every play has a cast.
  64. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
  65. We’re not lazy, we’re on energy saving mode.
  66. How does NASA organize a party? They planet.
  67. I’m not lazy, I’m on power saving mode.
  68. If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $6.30 now.
  69. I told my suitcases there will be no holiday this year. Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.
  70. Why don’t some fish play piano? They’re afraid of the bass keys.
  71. A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
  72. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
  73. I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
  74. Never trust an atom, they make up everything.
  75. Why don’t we ever see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.
  76. Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
  77. A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
  78. Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
  79. I just found out I’m colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
  80. They say “don’t try this at home” so I’m coming over to your house to try it.
  81. Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
  82. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes… she gave me a hug.
  83. What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig? The letter F.
  84. Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
  85. My reality check bounced.
  86. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  87. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
  88. Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.
  89. I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.
  90. What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.
  91. My patience has stretch marks.
  92. I started with nothing, and I still have most of it.
  93. If tomatoes are a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?
  94. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes… she gave me a hug.
  95. My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
  96. I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
  97. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!
  98. I was going to make a chemistry joke, but all the good ones Argon.
  99. Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no-bell prize.
  100. Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.
  101. When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
  102. How do you organize a space party? You planet.
  103. Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
  104. Why don’t some people trust stairs? They’re always up to something.
  105. What did one hat say to the other? You stay here, I’ll go on a head.
  106. My weight loss goal is to be able to clip my toenails without grunting.
  107. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
  108. “I have a split personality,” said Tom, being frank.
  109. I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.
  110. My dog has a job as a tree surgeon. He’s a bark specialist.
  111. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not quite sure.
  112. I know a guy who collects candy canes, they’re all in mint condition.
  113. What’s the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? Snowballs.
  114. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
  115. Why do bicycles fall over? Because they are two-tired!
  116. I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
  117. Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
  118. Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
  119. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they would be bagels!
  120. Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.
  121. Why was the math book sad? Because of all its problems!
  122. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
  123. I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
  124. If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: “Wow, that’s coincidental.”
  125. My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.
  126. Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon? Because she will let it go.
  127. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
  128. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
  129. What did one Frenchman say to the other? I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
  130. A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke. Thank goodness it was a soft drink.
  131. I’m reading a book on the history of glue – can’t put it down.
  132. Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
  133. Why don’t we ever see hippos hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
  134. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
  135. Why don’t some couples go to the zoo? Because they want their children to have real-life experiences.
  136. I have a friend who’s a billionaire. He made all his money in the folding table business. It’s a very stable industry.
  137. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
  138. Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was in tents.
  139. My math teacher calls me average. How mean!
  140. I told my friend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
  141. Some people think prison is one word… until they realize it’s a sentence.
  142. Why don’t ants ever get sick? Because they have little anty-bodies.
  143. I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.
  144. A termite walks into the bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
  145. I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.
  146. I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
  147. Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? They always take things literally.
  148. Why don’t we ever see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.
  149. Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.
  150. What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.

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