150 drunk jokes

  1. Why don’t drunk people ever get lost? Because they always follow their own hiccups!
  2. What’s a drunk’s favorite book? Tequila Mockingbird!
  3. What’s a ghost’s favorite drink? BOOze!
  4. Why did the drunk man put his money in the blender? Because he wanted to drink his wealth!
  5. What’s a drunk’s idea of a balanced diet? A beer in each hand!
  6. Why do drunk people never play hide and seek? They’re always found under the table!
  7. Why did the drunk man take a ladder to the bar? He heard the drinks were on the house!
  8. What’s a drunk’s favorite country? Winezuela!
  9. Why did the drunk bring a pencil to the party? He wanted to draw attention!
  10. How does a drunk ask for a refill? “Can I get another round, or am I just seeing double?”
  11. What’s a drunk’s favorite exercise? Barbell curls!
  12. What do you call a drunk superhero? Inebriated Iron Man!
  13. Why do drunk people make great detectives? They always get to the bottom…of the bottle!
  14. Why did the drunk bring a bag of popcorn to the bar? He heard there were free refills!
  15. What did the drunk snowman say to the carrot? “Is it just me, or is your nose getting bigger?”
  16. Why did the drunk never win at poker? His face always flushed!
  17. What’s a drunk’s favorite measurement unit? Liters!
  18. Why did the drunk man put his watch in his cocktail? He wanted to have a good time!
  19. How does a drunk open a bottle? They use their beerings!
  20. Why did the drunk man carry a fishing rod to the bar? He wanted to catch a buzz!
  21. What’s a drunk astronaut’s favorite planet? Mars… because it’s bars!
  22. Why did the drunk fail at knitting? He couldn’t find his purl!
  23. Why don’t drunk people ever get sunburned? They have a great bar-tan!
  24. What do you call a drunk cat? A whiskered sour!
  25. What’s a drunk’s favorite game? Spin the bottle… but they always end up spinning!
  26. Why did the drunk make a great boxer? He always threw punch after punch!
  27. How does a drunk sing the alphabet? A, B, C, G, L, V, Z…Oh, I’ll try again after this drink!
  28. Why don’t drunk people ever starve? They’re always on a liquid diet!
  29. What do you call a drunk who meditates? Zen and tonic!
  30. What’s a drunk’s favorite song? “Take Another Little Piece of My Liver!”
  31. Why did the drunk get a job at the bakery? Because he kneaded the dough!
  32. What’s a drunk’s favorite spell? Abra-Kegdabra!
  33. Why did the drunk take a nap in the winery? He wanted to rest in peace…and Merlot!
  34. How does a drunk order a cocktail? “Shake it, not slur it!”
  35. Why do drunk people make the best miners? They always strike gold…schlager!
  36. What do you call a drunk in the rain? A soakeholic!
  37. Why do drunk people never get out of their comfort zone? They can’t step outside the bars!
  38. Why was the drunk so proud? He finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months when the box said 2-4 years!
  39. What’s a drunk’s favorite state? Inebriation!
  40. Why did the drunk bring a suitcase to the bar? He wanted to pack a punch!
  41. Why don’t drunk people make good secret agents? They always spill their secrets!
  42. What do you call a drunk magician? Abra-kegabra!
  43. What’s a drunk’s favorite superhero? Captain America…no, Captain Morgan!
  44. How do drunk people pay for their drinks? They always change their minds…and their quarters!
  45. Why do drunk people never get scared? They always have spirits with them!
  46. Why did the drunk go fishing? He heard about the bar-tendered fish!
  47. How does a drunk flirt? “Is your name Tequila? Because I like the way you shot me down!”
  48. What’s a drunk’s favorite part of a joke? The punch-line!
  49. What do you call a drunk dinosaur? Tyrannosaurus Wrecks!
  50. Why did the drunk get kicked out of the fruit shop? He couldn’t handle his pears!
  51. Why are drunk people great at gardening? They’re always planting their face in the grass!
  52. Why did the drunk become a mailman? He loved the idea of push and pull…tabs!
  53. Why did the drunk buy a boat? He wanted to sail the high seas!
  54. Why did the drunk wear two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one!
  55. How do drunk people fix things? With duct tape and beer!
  56. Why did the drunk go to the music festival? He heard it was Pitcher Perfect!
  57. Why don’t drunk people make good comedians? Their jokes are always in poor taste!
  58. What’s a drunk’s favorite type of math? Geometry, because it’s all about rounds!
  59. Why did the drunk become a musician? He had a knack for hitting the high notes!
  60. What do you call a drunk in the snow? A bourbon-cicle!
  61. Why did the drunk join the circus? He wanted to be in high spirits!
  62. What’s a drunk’s favorite flower? A tulip… glass!
  63. Why did the drunk bring a soccer ball to the bar? He wanted to kick off the night!
  64. Why are drunk people great philosophers? They always ponder over the meaning of life… and the bottom of their glass!
  65. What do you call a drunk on a treadmill? A wino-racer!
  66. What do drunk people use for transportation? Hops on a bus!
  67. Why did the drunk become a baker? He heard the bread was kneaded!
  68. Why did the drunk climb the mountain? He wanted to reach new heights!
  69. Why don’t drunk people play soccer? They always miss the goal…and hit the bar!
  70. What’s a drunk’s favorite chess piece? The wine-king!
  71. Why did the drunk man become a poet? He wanted to rhyme and wine!
  72. What do you call a drunk snowman? A frosty mug!
  73. Why do drunk people love marathons? There’s always a shot at the end!
  74. What’s a drunk’s favorite landmark? The Eiffel Tower, because it leans too!
  75. Why don’t drunk people ever win races? They can’t handle the straight and narrow!
  76. Why did the drunk join the orchestra? He heard they needed more bar-itones!
  77. Why do drunk people make bad architects? They can’t draw a straight line!
  78. Why don’t drunk people get stage fright? Because they’re always ready for their close-up…shot!
  79. Why did the drunk become a florist? He loved Rosé!
  80. What’sa drunk’s favorite vegetable? The hop!
  81. Why do drunk people make great astronomers? They’re always looking at the stars… after they fall over!
  82. What’s a drunk’s favorite TV show? “The Walking Dead-drunk!”
  83. Why did the drunk bring a mattress to the bar? He wanted to hit the hay after hitting the bottle!
  84. What do drunk people and Christmas trees have in common? They both fall over when they’ve had too many spirits!
  85. What do you call a drunk who loves science? An alco-holic!
  86. Why did the drunk become a pilot? He heard the sky was the limit!
  87. What’s a drunk’s favorite hobby? Wine tasting… they never spit it out!
  88. Why do drunk people make great sailors? They always go overboard!
  89. Why did the drunk get a job at the zoo? He heard they had a beer!
  90. What’s a drunk’s favorite animal? The bar-nacle!
  91. Why did the drunk bring a paper towel to the bar? He heard it was good for absorbing alcohol!
  92. What do you call a drunk woodpecker? A cork-pecker!
  93. Why did the drunk start studying geology? He wanted to know more about rock bottom!
  94. Why did the drunk become a runner? He wanted to hit the road… not the bottle!
  95. What’s a drunk’s favorite mythological creature? The beer-nicorn!
  96. Why did the drunk buy a motorcycle? He wanted to be a Hell’s Lager!
  97. Why did the drunk take a bus to the bar? He didn’t want to stumble home!
  98. Why did the drunk become a judge? He wanted to pass the bar!
  99. What do you call a drunk with a speedometer? Fast intoxicated!
  100. Why did the drunk join the army? He wanted to be on active booze-y!
  101. Why do drunk people love parties? They always raise the spirits!
  102. What’s a drunk’s favorite dance? The stagger!
  103. Why did the drunk get a job as a reporter? He had a nose for news… and wine!
  104. What do drunk people use to cut their steak? A wine opener!
  105. Why don’t drunk people play chess? They always knock the king over!
  106. What do you call a drunk that’s good at darts? Bulls-eye Buzzed!
  107. Why did the drunk become a musician? He wanted to compose a sym-boozy!
  108. What’s a drunk’s favorite road? The one that leads to the pub!
  109. Why did the drunk become a wrestler? He wanted to wine and dine… and pin!
  110. Why did the drunk bring a compass to the bar? He was trying to find his way to sobriety!
  111. What do drunk people and bakers have in common? They both love yeast!
  112. Why did the drunk become an actor? He wanted to hit the big screens… and the big drinks!
  113. What’s a drunk’s favorite clothing? Beer-jamas!
  114. Why did the drunk go camping? He heard about the in-tents experience!
  115. What do you call a drunk with a six-pack? A fitness freak with a weakness for the drink!
  116. Why did the drunk bring a flashlight to the party? He was looking for a light beer!
  117. What’s a drunk’s favorite day of the week? Booze-day!
  118. Why did the drunk become a cyclist? He wanted to be on two wheels… not four drinks!
  119. What do you call a drunk who’s good at golf? Tee-totaler!
  120. Why did the drunk bring an umbrella to the bar? He heard it was raining cats and dogs… and beers!
  121. Why did the drunk become a priest? He wanted to serve spirits!
  122. What’s a drunk’s favorite candy? Liquor-ish!
  123. What do you call a drunk who loves the ocean? A beer-cuda!
  124. Why did the drunk join the circus? He wanted to be a ring beer!
  125. What’s a drunk’s favorite type of car? A cab-ernet!
  126. Why did the drunk become a firefighter? He wanted to extinguish his thirst!
  127. What do drunk people use to fix a leaky faucet? A beer wrench!
  128. Why do drunk people make terrible bakers? They always misplace their buns!
  129. What do you call a drunk in winter? Ice-cold beer!
  130. Why did the drunk become a writer? He was inspired by Ernest Hemi-gin-way!
  131. Why did the drunk become a painter? He wanted to paint the town red… with wine!
  132. What’s a drunk’s favorite fish? A beer-acuda!
  133. Why did the drunk become a cop? He heard they had a patrol bar!
  134. What do you call a drunk with a map? Lost and found!
  135. Why did the drunk become a gardener? He loved plant-ale-ing seeds!
  136. What’s a drunk’s favorite fast food? Beer-battered fish and chips!
  137. Why did the drunk become a teacher? He wanted to raise the bar of education!
  138. Why did the drunk become a politician? He wanted to serve the pub-lic!
  139. What’s a drunk’s favorite insect? The pub-blebee!
  140. Why did the drunk become a lifeguard? He wanted to dive into the deep end… of a bottle!
  141. What do you call a drunk in the jungle? A vine-y connoisseur!
  142. Why did the drunk become a clockmaker? He wanted to make the most of happy hour!
  143. What’s a drunk’s favorite pasta? Spir-ale-d pasta!
  144. Why did the drunk become a chemist? He wanted to find the formula for the perfect cocktail!
  145. What do you call a drunk at a rock concert? A head-banger with a hangover!
  146. Why did the drunk become a librarian? He wanted to book his weekend with drinks!
  147. What’s a drunk’s favorite bird? The pub-in!
  148. Why did the drunk become a photographer? He wanted to take shots… in more ways than one!
  149. What do you call a drunk in a library? A reader with a rum!
  150. Why did the drunk become a chef? He wanted to serve gourmet meals… with a side of beer!

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