150 T-Shirt jokes

  1. My abs are like my laundry – still in progress.
  2. My weekend is all booked… in my gaming room.
  3. I can’t adult today. Tomorrow doesn’t look good either.
  4. I’m silently correcting your grammar.
  5. Can’t work today, my arm is in a cast (image of a fishing rod).
  6. Time is precious. Waste it wisely.
  7. 404 error: Outfit not found.
  8. Exercise? I thought you said extra fries.
  9. I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.
  10. I’ve got 99 problems and my lack of motivation covers all.
  11. Good morning, I see the assassins have failed again.
  12. Running late is my cardio.
  13. If things get better with age, I’m approaching magnificent.
  14. I’m not arguing, I’m simply explaining why I’m right.
  15. On a scale of 1 to America, how free are you tonight?
  16. My diet plan: make all my friends cupcakes; the fatter they get, the thinner I look.
  17. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.
  18. I’m not a morning person or a night person. I’m a whenever-my-nap-ends person.
  19. I followed my heart and it led me to the fridge.
  20. My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do.
  21. My four moods: 1. Need coffee 2. Need food 3. Need nap 4. Need vacation.
  22. Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?
  23. Does this shirt make me look retired?
  24. I’m not retired, I’m a professional grandpa/grandma.
  25. Life status: currently holding it all together with a single bobby pin.
  26. Sorry for what I said when I was hungry.
  27. Wine tasting is my sport.
  28. I paused my game for this?
  29. I’ve decided I’m not old, I’m 25 plus shipping and handling.
  30. Body by chocolate.
  31. Not all those who wander are lost, some are just looking for coffee.
  32. That awkward moment when you’re wearing Nike’s and can’t do it.
  33. Me sarcastic? Never.
  34. My level of sarcasm depends on your level of stupidity.
  35. When nothing goes right, go left.
  36. My dog is cooler than your dog.
  37. My cat and I talk shit about you.
  38. Just a boy/girl who loves dogs/cats.
  39. Technically, the glass is always full.
  40. Life update: currently holding it together with one bobby pin.
  41. I’m an intelligent, classy, well-educated woman who says “f*ck” a lot.
  42. World’s okayest brother/sister.
  43. Kinda care, kinda don’t.
  44. No one ever injured their eyesight by looking at the bright side.
  45. My mom thinks I’m cool.
  46. Wifi, food, my bed. Perfection.
  47. When I said “how stupid can you be?” It wasn’t a challenge.
  48. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
  49. I have CDO, it’s like OCD but all the letters are in alphabetical order. As they should be.
  50. You can’t scare me, I have kids.
  51. I thought growing old would take longer.
  52. The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
  53. The early bird can have the worm, I’ll take coffee.
  54. I’m just a Poe boy, nobody loves me (image of Edgar Allan Poe).
  55. My favorite workout is between a lunge and a crunch. I call it lunch.
  56. Normal is boring.
  57. My hobbies include: 1. Trying to close the elevator door before someone else gets on. 2. Never.
  58. If I was a bird, I know who I’d poop on.
  59. Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
  60. May the fork be with you (image of a fork).
  61. If I’m ever on life support, unplug me… then plug me back in, see if that works.
  62. If you met my family you’d understand.
  63. I don’t need Google, my wife/husband knows everything.
  64. Do I run? Yes, out of patience, money, and time.
  65. I’m into fitness… fit’ness whole pizza in my mouth.
  66. They say don’t try this at home… so I went to my friend’s home!
  67. My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, I cry.
  68. Too much Monday, not enough coffee.
  69. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
  70. I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
  71. I may be wrong but it’s highly unlikely.
  72. I tried being normal once. Worst two minutes of my life.
  73. I’m great in bed, I can sleep for days.
  74. I was social distancing before it was cool.
  75. I’m not a hoarder but my closet is.
  76. I turned my can’ts into cans and my dreams into plans.
  77. Sarcasm: because beating people is illegal.
  78. Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
  79. Do I believe in love at first sight? Absolutely, I fall in love with every dog I see.
  80. Be a cupcake in a world full of muffins.
  81. Make today so awesome, yesterday gets jealous.
  82. Accio Coffee! (for Harry Potter fans).
  83. I’m just here for the snacks.
  84. Introverts unite! We’re here, we’re uncomfortable and we want to go home.
  85. They say I have a bad attitude. I say screw them!
  86. I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.
  87. I don’t need anger management, I need people to stop irritating me!
  88. It’s a beautiful day to leave me alone.
  89. Let’s eat Grandma. Let’s eat, Grandma. Punctuation saves lives.
  90. I’m not clumsy. The floor just hates me, the tables and chairs are bullies.
  91. Never trust an atom, they make up everything.
  92. If you think I’m short, you should see my patience.
  93. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  94. Nerd? I prefer the term intellectual badass.
  95. Some people say I have a drinking problem. I say I’m very good at it.
  96. What do you mean I’m not a bear? I have all the koalifications.
  97. How do I like my eggs? In a cake.
  98. I run on caffeine, sarcasm, and inappropriate thoughts.
  99. I’m not a princess, I don’t need saving. I’m a queen, I got this shit handled.
  100. I’m not an early bird or a night owl. I’m some kind of permanently exhausted pigeon.
  101. I didn’t fall. The floor was lonely so I gave it a hug.
  102. It’s not a bald spot, it’s a solar panel for a sex machine.
  103. Vegetarian: ancient tribal name for the village idiot who can’t hunt or fish.
  104. I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.
  105. Do I believe in miracles? Yes, I look in the mirror every day.
  106. I’m only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.
  107. The secret to enjoying a good wine: 1. Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 2. If it doesn’t look like it’s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
  108. There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
  109. I thought I had social anxiety, but it turns out I just like staying at home.
  110. “A day without laughter is a day wasted” – Charlie Chaplin. My shirt is doing its job.
  111. Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.
  112. Today’s mood: Bitchy with a chance of sarcasm.
  113. My weight loss goal is to fit into the T-shirt I was wearing the first time I ever ate at this restaurant.
  114. Life is like a toilet roll. The closer you get to the end, the faster it goes.
  115. I see no good reason to act my age.
  116. Decaf coffee? No thanks. I prefer my coffee like my magic: dark and strong.
  117. This shirt was tested on animals. It didn’t fit.
  118. With great power comes great electricity bills.
  119. Why don’t some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don’t work out.
  120. I am on a seafood diet. I see food, I eat it.
  121. Give me coffee and no one gets hurt.
  122. Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
  123. “We are all fools in love” – Jane Austen. I’m just a fool looking for my love.
  124. Just because I can’t dance doesn’t mean I shouldn’t dance.
  125. Life is like underwear, change is good.
  126. I put the “me” in awesome.
  127. I’m in shape… Round is a shape isn’t it?
  128. I don’t always roll a joint, but when I do, it’s my ankle.
  129. Stress is caused by giving a shit. Be stress-free.
  130. I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She whispered, “They’re right behind you.”
  131. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
  132. I would lose weight, but I hate losing.
  133. Is your name Wi-fi? Because I’m feeling a connection.
  134. I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
  135. Don’t worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.
  136. Don’t interrupt someone working intently on a puzzle. Chances are, you’ll hear some crosswords.
  137. Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.
  138. I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road without their motives being questioned.
  139. If you’re cooler than me, would that make me hotter than you?
  140. I’m not short, I’m concentrated awesome.
  141. I’m not fat, I’m easier to see.
  142. I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.
  143. The hardest part of my job is being nice to stupid people.
  144. My family tree must be a cactus because everybody on it is a prick.
  145. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes… She gave me a hug.
  146. Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
  147. This isn’t a beer belly, it’s a fuel tank for a love machine.
  148. I used to be indecisive. Now, I’m not so sure.
  149. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
  150. I’m not anti-social, I’m selectively social. There’s a difference.

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