57+ speech jokes

  1. Ladies and gentlemen, my grandfather once told me, “In life, you need three things: A good doctor, a forgiving priest, and a patient spouse. But don’t ever let them meet.”
  2. We all know I’m no brain surgeon, because if I was, this would be a much quieter room!
  3. My wife told me to get in touch with my inner child… So I started eating my lunch out of a Superman lunchbox.
  4. I told my boss I needed a raise because I’m so good at math. He asked, “How do you figure?”
  5. My best friend and I always laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
  6. I asked my doctor if my heart was healthy enough for my speeches. He said, “As long as they don’t listen to you.”
  7. “The pen is mightier than the sword” they say, but I’ve yet to see someone sign their name with a sword.
  8. I’ve been on a diet for a month now, and all I’ve lost is 30 days.
  9. My wife told me I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.
  10. They say that if you can’t beat them, join them. I say, if you can’t beat them, beat them, because they’ll be expecting you to join them, so you’ll have the element of surprise.
  11. A friend asked why I never blink during my speeches. I told him it’s a bad habit, I don’t want to miss anything.
  12. If I had a penny for every time I forgot something, I’d, um… I’d…
  13. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.
  14. I once gave a speech in a library. They kicked me out for violating the silence policy.
  15. I told my kids I never want to live in a vegetative state. So they unplugged my computer.
  16. Apparently, I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
  17. My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list. Now I can’t read anything!
  18. I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.
  19. Never argue with someone who types faster than you.
  20. If I’ve learned anything from video games, it’s that if I’m facing enemies, I’m going the right way.
  21. If at first you don’t succeed, we have a lot in common!
  22. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus, a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.
  23. My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, I cry.
  24. I’m not lazy, I’m just very relaxed.
  25. Some people say I’m condescending. That means I talk down to people.
  26. I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with. She said, “Yes, the others were nines and tens.”
  27. My wife told me I was average; I think she’s mean.
  28. I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.
  29. I remember the time I was kidnaped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
  30. I told my wife she should start hiding her beauty. The fridge was the first place I suggested.
  31. I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with. She said, “Yes, the others were sevens and eights.”
  32. I’m reading a book on the history of glue – I can’t put it down.
  33. I keep telling my wife that I’ll stop making cloning jokes. But then I go and repeat myself.
  34. How do I stay in shape? Simple. I play chess. It’s the most exercise I get, moving all those pieces.
  35. If you can’t stand the heat, go to the kitchen. That’s where the snacks are.
  36. Why don’t secret agents sleep? Because they don’t want to be caught napping.
  37. I’ve found that growing up in the sixties was a lot more fun than being in my sixties.
  38. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  39. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
  40. Why don’t some politicians go to the gym? Because some truths can’t be walked back.
  41. They told me I’d never get over my obsession with Phil Collins. But take a look at me now.
  42. My fitness coach told me to touch my toes. I said, “I don’t have that kind of flexibility. Telepathy isn’t in my skill set.”
  43. My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives. I replied, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.”
  44. If you want to catch a squirrel, just climb a tree and act like a nut.
  45. My friends asked me to stop singing Wonderwall to them. I said maybe…
  46. I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage. I lost my case.
  47. A three-legged dog walked into a saloon and said, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
  48. If I wanted to kill myself, I’d climb your ego and jump to your IQ.
  49. I used to be a baker. I couldn’t make enough dough.
  50. Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
  51. I’ve got a great joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.
  52. My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about, I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!
  53. I used to be addicted to soap, but now I’m clean.
  54. Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.
  55. The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
  56. The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself, “This changes everything.”
  57. I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
  58. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
  59. Why don’t we tell secrets on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears, and the beans stalk.
  60. I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.
  61. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
  62. Why was the belt arrested? For holding up a pair of pants.
  63. I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
  64. When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think it’s sweet. I just think it’s surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
  65. I, for one, like Roman numerals.
  66. I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
  67. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
  68. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
  69. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
  70. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
  71. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
  72. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
  73. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
  74. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.
  75. Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
  76. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
  77. I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but he said it’s just a bug going around.
  78. I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.
  79. My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
  80. I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn’t like it.
  81. I’m terrified of elevators, so I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.
  82. I just found out I’m colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
  83. Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
  84. A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
  85. A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
  86. I don’t trust these stairs because they’re always up to something.
  87. Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
  88. I have a fear of speed bumps. But I’m slowly getting over it.
  89. Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
  90. Why don’t we ever tell secrets on a farm? Because the corn has ears, the potatoes have eyes, and the beans stalk.
  91. I once told my wife she’d look more beautiful with her hair back. Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a bald woman.
  92. My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
  93. I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.
  94. I told my wife I felt like a deck of cards, and she said she’ll deal with me later.
  95. A physicist saw a man about to jump off the Empire State Building. He yelled, “Don’t do it! You have so much potential!”
  96. My friend power-washes driveways for a living now. He’s really under a lot of pressure.
  97. I was going to tell a pizza joke but it’s too cheesy.
  98. A friend of mine went to the zoo the other day. He said there was only one dog in it. It was a Shitzu.
  99. I used to hate facial hair but then it grew on me.
  100. I dreamt I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.
  101. The first rule of Thesaurus Club is you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, or chat about Thesaurus Club.
  102. I told my friend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
  103. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
  104. If you want a job in the moisturizer industry, the best advice I can give is to apply daily.
  105. As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
  106. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
  107. Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was in tents!
  108. My wife said she needed more space. I said no problem and locked her out of the house.
  109. I told my wife to embrace her mistakes. She gave me a big hug.
  110. My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.
  111. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a big hug.
  112. They say marriage is a lot like card games. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.
  113. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
  114. A guy walks into a bar… Ouch!
  115. Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away, and you’ll have their shoes.
  116. I have a joke about time travel, but you didn’t get it.
  117. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that!
  118. How do you organize a space party? You planet.
  119. The man who invented Velcro has died. RIP.
  120. I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
  121. If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
  122. My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
  123. Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? He made a mint!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *