150 funny texas jokes

  1. Why did the Texan bring a ladder to the bar? Because he heard the drinks were on the house!
  2. How do you know you’re in Texas? When you stop at a red light, you can read the entire menu of the BBQ joint across the street.
  3. What’s a Texan’s favorite shape? A square… because that’s the size of their ranch!
  4. What’s the Texas version of a diet? Only having one BBQ sandwich for lunch!
  5. Why did the cowboy adopt a dachshund? Because every good Texan needs a long little doggy.
  6. Why did the Texas Ranger get a chameleon? He wanted a partner who could blend in anywhere.
  7. What do you call a Texan who can play the guitar and ride a bull? Multitasking!
  8. How do you know the toothbrush was invented in Texas? Anywhere else and it would’ve been a teethbrush.
  9. Why do Texas cowboys never play hide and seek? Good luck hiding when your hat’s over a foot tall!
  10. What do you get if you cross a Texan and a bottle of hot sauce? A fire-breathing cowboy!
  11. What’s a Texan’s favorite car? A Cattle-ac.
  12. How do you compliment a Texan? Tell them their steak is bigger than yours.
  13. Why do they do everything bigger in Texas? Because it’s too far to go anywhere else!
  14. What’s a Texan’s favorite constellation? The Big Dipper, because it reminds them of a big serving spoon for chili.
  15. Why do Texans have such big belt buckles? They double as serving platters.
  16. How do you know when you’re at a Texas wedding? When the vows include “till dust storm do us part.”
  17. What do you call a sarcastic criminal going down a staircase in Dallas? A condescending con descending.
  18. What’s a Texas ghost’s favorite dessert? Boo-berries with whipped scream!
  19. Why did the Texan keep his guitar in the freezer? He wanted to play cool music.
  20. What do you call an armadillo that plays basketball in Texas? The San Antonio Spurs’ mascot.
  21. Why did the bluebonnet blush? Because it saw the other flowers bloomin’!
  22. Why don’t Texans play hide and seek with their feelings? Because even emotions are bigger in Texas!
  23. What’s the most popular workout in Texas? The brisket lift.
  24. How do Texas chili cooks spice up their marriage? They add a little more heat!
  25. What’s a Texan’s favorite type of math? Geometry, because of all the angles in the Alamo.
  26. Why did the Texas golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
  27. How do you know when a Texas cowboy has been baking cookies? There’s a rodeo in the kitchen!
  28. Why do Texas football players go to the bakery? To get extra dough!
  29. Why do Texas cowboys make terrible comedians? Because their jokes are always too dry!
  30. Why did the Austin hipster burn his tongue? He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
  31. Why did the cactus join the Texas orchestra? It heard they needed more pricks.
  32. How do you greet a three-headed monster in Texas? Hello, hello, howdy!
  33. What do you call a Texan who can play piano and ride a bull? Extra-talented!
  34. How do Texans stay cool during summer? They stand near the fans at a Dallas Cowboys game.
  35. What’s a Texan’s idea of a balanced diet? A steak in each hand.
  36. Why did the cowboy bring his pencil to the gunfight? He was going to draw!
  37. Why was the Texan football player so bad at cards? He couldn’t hold a hand off!
  38. Why are Texas trees so good at math? They always know their roots.
  39. Why do Texas birds always win at poker? Because they always play their best caws.
  40. Why don’t Texas vampires ever get sick? Because they eat plenty of stake.
  41. How do you know the car was made in Texas? When the horn plays “The Yellow Rose of Texas.”
  42. Why are Texas summers just like a good pun? They’re both too hot to handle!
  43. What do you call a grumpy Texan? A steakholder.
  44. Why did the Texas tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!
  45. How does a Texas cowboy get his coffee? De-branded.
  46. What’s a Texan’s favorite drink at Christmas? Y’all Tide.
  47. Why don’t Texas chickens ever play sports? They always foul up!
  48. Why did the Texan buy a slice of pie for $3.14? He wanted a piece of the Pi.
  49. What do you call a cowboy who only rides at night? A saddle-lite!
  50. Why did the Texan become a baker? He was kneaded.
  51. How do you scare a Texan farmer? Tell them their tractor is being repossessed.
  52. Why did the cowboy bring a WiFi router to the rodeo? He didn’t want to deal with any un-stable connections.
  53. What do you call a cowboy with bad gas? Dallas Smellboys.
  54. Why are most Texas jokes one-liners? So the cowboys can remember them.
  55. What do you call a Texan who refuses to work out? Lazy, Texas-style.
  56. Why don’t Texas snakes bite lawyers? Professional courtesy.
  57. What did the Texas musician name his three daughters? Anna one, Anna two, Anna one-two-three.
  58. How does a Texan hold up their pants? With a Bible Belt!
  59. How do Texas dogs say hello? With a Southern wag!
  60. What do you call a Texan cat who can play guitar? A meowsician.
  61. Why did the Texan scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!
  62. How do you know if a Texas cowboy has been on your computer? There’s White-Out on the screen.
  63. Why do Texas football teams go to the bakery? Because they knead the dough!
  64. What do you call a Texas dog in winter? A chili dog.
  65. How do you fit 100 Texans in your backyard? Tell them you’re having a BBQ.
  66. Why don’t Texas computers have a good baseball team? In the event of a tie, they can’t run home.
  67. How do Texas cowboys refer to their ex-girlfriends? Past-tense!
  68. Why did the Texas cow refuse to listen to the chicken? Because it was all cluck and no action.
  69. What do you call a Texan who loves pie and chips? A mathlete.
  70. Why do Texas dogs never lose at poker? They always play with a good paw!
  71. Why did the Texan write TGIF on his boots? To remember that Toes Go In First.
  72. Why did the Texan get kicked out of the cookie shop? He wouldn’t stop saying, “These ain’t as good as my momma’s!”
  73. What’s a Texan’s favorite type of beat? The one you can yee-haw to!
  74. How doyou keep a Texan from charging? Take away his credit card!
  75. Why did the cowboy take hay to bed? To feed his nightmares!
  76. What do you call a Texas chicken crossing the road? Poultry in motion!
  77. How do you know you’re a Texan? You go to the lake to say you went overseas.
  78. Why did the cowboy ride his horse? Because he was too heavy to carry.
  79. What’s a Texas dentist’s favorite time? Tooth-thirty.
  80. Why don’t Texas zombies eat comedians? They taste funny.
  81. What did the Texan say when his buddy asked for help with his tie? “Sure, it’s a knot problem!”
  82. How do you keep warm at a Texas football game? Go into the corner, it’s always 90 degrees!
  83. Why do Texas bakers always feel crumby? They knead dough to make a living!
  84. Why did the cowboy get a hotdog? Because he wanted to ranch it up!
  85. What do you call a Texas cat who can play the drums? A whisker beat.
  86. How do you know if a cowboy is kind? He’s always horsing around.
  87. Why did the Texan bring a rope to the bar? He heard they were having a draw!
  88. Why did the cowboy sit on the clock? He wanted to be on “Texas time.”
  89. What do you call a country singer who just broke up with his girlfriend? Homeless.
  90. Why don’t Texas cows use the internet? They can’t find the keys on the keyboard.
  91. What’s a Texan’s favorite car part? The grille!
  92. What do you call a cowboy who only rides in the afternoon? A “ride on time”!
  93. Why did the Texas chicken join a band? Because he had the drumsticks!
  94. How do Texas farmers mend their pants? With cabbage patches!
  95. What do you call a Texas football team’s laundry? A tight-end wash.
  96. Why did the Texan stand behind the barbecue? So he could steak out the place.
  97. Why don’t Texas computers take their hats off? They have bad data-hair days.
  98. What’s a Texas wizard’s favorite class? Spell-ing!
  99. Why do Texans make terrible secret agents? Because they always spill the beans!
  100. How do you make a Texas burger sad? Use blue cheese.
  101. What’s a Texan’s favorite type of homework? Branding!
  102. Why did the cowboy bring toilet paper to the party? He was a party pooper.
  103. Why do Texas chickens never get lost? Because they follow the hen-structions!
  104. How do you compliment a Texan cook? Tell them their chili is bowl-der than anyone else’s.
  105. What do you call a Texan with no cowboy boots? Barefoot and fancy-free!
  106. How do you know a Texan invented the first car? The exhaust smells like barbecue!
  107. What do Texas librarians take with their tea? Scones and Texas toast!
  108. Why did the Texas skeleton go to the party alone? He had no-body to go with him.
  109. What’s a Texas vampire’s favorite drink? Blood Light.
  110. Why do Texans make good detectives? They always get their man-datory barbecue!
  111. What’s the Texas state flower? Flour, for making cornbread!
  112. Why do Texas horses make terrible secretaries? They’re always horsing around and never file!
  113. Why did the Texan farmer go to the gym? He heard it was a great place to pick up chicks!
  114. What do you call a cowboy cat that can sing? Purr-sonal Entertainment.
  115. Why do Texas football teams eat cereal? For the bowl games!
  116. How do Texas mothers change their babies’ diapers? With a little bit of southern charm and a lot of cowboy strength!
  117. Why did the Texas cow want a divorce? Because her husband was a bully!
  118. How do you get a one-armed cowboy out of a tree? Wave to him.
  119. Why did the Texan bike stand on its own? Because it was two-tired.
  120. What do you call a Texan who can play a guitar and fly a plane? Sky-high talented!
  121. Why don’t Texas dogs bark at their feet? They don’t want to paws for effect!
  122. Why did the Texan become a gardener? He wanted to grow his horizons.
  123. Why did the cowboy carry a map? He didn’t want to get caught in a dessert with no pie!
  124. What’s a cowboy’s favorite place to ride his horse in the summer? In front of the neigh-bor’s sprinklers!
  125. Why did the Texan become a butcher? He wanted to meat new people!
  126. What’s a Texan ghost’s favorite dessert? I scream!
  127. Why don’t Texas squirrels have any friends? Because they drive everyone nuts!
  128. Why was the Texas computer cold at the office? It left its Windows open!
  129. What do you call a cowboy who can play football and a guitar? A jack of all trades and master of puns!
  130. How do you catch a squirrel in Texas? Climb a tree and act like a nut!
  131. Why do Texas computers never get lost? They use a hard drive.
  132. How does a Texan take their tea? Seriously, very seriously.
  133. What do you call a Texas cowboy who plays chess? Check-mate.
  134. Why did the Texas cookie cry? Because its mom was a wafer too long!
  135. What do you call a Texas cowboy who can play the piano and cook? Dinner and a show!
  136. How do Texas farmers mend their overalls? With denim patches and country charm!
  137. Why don’t Texas cows hide? Because they’re always spotted.
  138. What’s a Texas fish’s favorite country? Finland!
  139. Why did the Texan take a nap at the barbecue? He was beat from the heat!
  140. Why don’t Texas birds use Facebook? They already tweet enough!
  141. How do you know if a Texan loves gardening? They plant a kiss on you!
  142. Why don’t Texas trees use computers? They’re afraid of logging in.
  143. Why did the Texas band have a bakery? So they could make some serious dough!
  144. What’s a Texas dog’s favorite food? Bark-be-que.
  145. What do you call a Texas dog that can play the violin? A bow-wow.
  146. How does a Texas farmer count a herd of cows? With a cow-culator.
  147. Why did the Texan go to the seafood dance? To pull a mussel.
  148. How do you know when a Texas joke has gone bad? When it’s all hat and no cattle!
  149. Why did the Texan go broke? Too many Texas-sized bills.
  150. Why do Texas cowboys always win at cards? Because they always deal with a good hand!

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