100 Crime Jokes

Crime jokes have a unique way of injecting humor into situations that are typically associated with seriousness and wrongdoing. From clever wordplay to puns involving thieves, detectives, and even inanimate objects, these jokes offer a lighthearted take on the world of crime.

In this collection, we’ll explore a variety of witty one-liners that will have you chuckling at the misadventures of criminals, law enforcement officers, and everything in between. So sit back, relax, and get ready to experience some criminal comedy that’s sure to steal your laughter.

Text-based image displaying a crime joke: What did the robber say to the wall? “I’m plastered.”

Top 100 Crime Jokes:

  1. Why don’t criminals play soccer? Because they can’t handle a good defense.
  2. Why did the thief go to school? He wanted to improve his fine arts degree.
  3. What did the robber say to the wall? “I’m plastered.”
  4. Why did the kleptomaniac take up gardening? He wanted to seize the daisies.
  5. Why didn’t the criminal use lemon juice for invisible ink? Because it was a clear case of assault and battery.
  6. Why was the belt arrested? Because it was holding up a pair of jeans.
  7. Why did the burglar get a job at a bakery? He heard there was plenty of dough.
  8. Why did the cat burglar get a job in a dog food factory? He heard there was a lot of loot there.
  9. Why was the computer cold at the police station? It left its Windows open.
  10. What do you call a criminal who only steals pens? An ink-cognito.
  11. Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda-pressing.
  12. Why don’t criminals use calendars? They don’t want to be dated.
  13. How does a thief tell the time? By stealing a glance.
  14. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing… and it had a prior conviction for shoplifting.
  15. Why don’t detectives play hide and seek? Because good luck hiding when your siren is going.
  16. Why did the orange become a detective? Because it was a-peel-ing.
  17. Why did the thief break into the music store? He wanted to face the music.
  18. What did the judge say to the dentistry criminal? “You’re accused of incisor trading.”
  19. What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin’ Catholic.
  20. What do you call a thief who steals just for fun? A for-fun-d-raiser.
  21. Why did the grape stop in the middle of the road? Because it ran out of juice… and the police were after it.
  22. Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems… and a rap sheet a mile long.
  23. What’s a burglar’s favorite type of shoe? Sneakers.
  24. What do you call a dinosaur that takes the law into its own hands? Tyrannosaurus Wrecks.
  25. Why don’t gangsters play cricket? Because whenever they get near a catch, they run.
Text-based image displaying a crime joke: Why don’t gangsters play cricket? Because whenever they get near a catch, they run.
  1. Why did the criminal go to the fish market? To catch some poached salmon.
  2. How does a thief like his eggs? Well done.
  3. Why was the computer at the police station so tired? It had a hard drive.
  4. What do you call a policeman in bed? An under-cover cop.
  5. What do you call a crook who only steals maps? A contour-feit.
  6. Why did the robber take a bath before his heist? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
  7. Why did the gangster put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash.
  8. Why did the scarecrow become a police officer? He was outstanding in his field.
  9. Why did the criminal take a ladder to the bar? Because the drinks were on the house.
  10. Why did the belt get arrested? Because it was holding up a pair of pants.
  11. What do you call a sketchy Italian neighborhood? The Spaghetto.
  12. Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two-tired… and carrying stolen goods.
  13. What’s a criminal’s favorite part of a joke? The “punch” line.
  14. What do you call a thief who steals corn? A corn artist.
  15. Why did the cop sit on the toilet? To do his duty.
  16. What do you call a cop who plays guitar? A police strummer.
  17. Why did the baker become a thief? Because he kneaded the dough.
  18. Why did the silent burglar never get caught? Because you never hear a peep out of him.
  19. Why was the computer cold? It left its Windows open.
  20. Why was the math book arrested? Because it had too many problems.
  21. What do you call a judge with no thumbs? Justice Fingers.
  22. What do you call a gangster snowman? Froze-T.
  23. Why was the broom late? It over-swept… and missed its court date.
  24. Why did the octopus cross the road? To get to the other tide… and escape the police.
  25. Why was the lettuce at the police station? It was in a salad state of affairs.
  26. What do you call a robbery in an art gallery? Artful Dodging.
Text-based image displaying a crime joke: What do you call a robbery in an art gallery? Artful Dodging.
  1. Why do police dogs lick their own butts? To get the taste of criminal out of their mouths.
  2. What do you call an alligator detective? An investi-gator.
  3. What did the cop say to his belly button? You’re under a vest!
  4. What do you call a clairvoyant prisoner walking into a bar? A small medium at large.
  5. Why did the cop go to the baseball game? Because he heard someone stole a base.
  6. What did the criminal say when he saw the statue of liberty? “I copperhead the operation.”
  7. Why do cops love donuts? Because they’re always on dough-ty.
  8. What do you call a belt made out of watches? A waist of time.
  9. Why did the robber wash his clothes before he ran away? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
  10. Why did the thief wear blue gloves? He didn’t want to be caught red-handed.
  11. What did the police officer say to the mummy? “You have the right to remain silent.”
  12. Why do thieves have a hard time understanding people? They always take things literally.
  13. What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener.
  14. Why was the computer cold at the police station? It left its Windows open.
  15. Why did the criminal get caught? He couldn’t run far after a high-speed chase with a hot cup of coffee.
  16. Why do cops make terrible comedians? They always forget the punch line.
  17. What do you call a book club that’s been stuck on the same book for years? A law school.
  18. Why did the computer go to jail? Because it had bad data.
  19. What do you call a cat who was caught by the police? The purr-petrator.
  20. What do you call a cop that plays the drums? A beat cop.
  21. What do you call a detective who can play the piano? A key witness.
  22. Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
  23. Why was the sandwich at the police station? It was a sub-ject of investigation.
  24. Why was the computer cold at the police station? It left its Windows open.
Text-based image displaying a crime joke: Why was the computer cold at the police station? It left its Windows open.
  1. Why do criminals always smile during lightning storms? They think they’re getting their pictures taken.
  2. Why did the mobster put his cash in the blender? He was trying to make some liquid assets.
  3. What do you call a snowman with a six-pack? An abdominal snowman.
  4. What do you call a cop who has put on some weight? A police-heavy.
  5. Why did the criminal refuse to play cards with the jungle cat? He was afraid of cheetahs.
  6. What do you call a crime at a sushi restaurant? A raw deal.
  7. Why did the criminal steal a calendar? He wanted to get a few days off.
  8. What do you call a can opener in prison? A con-verter.
  9. What do you call a three-humped criminal? A camel-flage.
  10. Why did the orange go to jail? It ran out of juice.
  11. What do you call a detective electrician? Sherlock Ohms.
  12. Why do pickpockets make bad drivers? Because they keep watching the pedestrians.
  13. What’s a mugger’s favorite kind of weather? Fog. It’s great for pick-pockets.
  14. Why was the computer cold? It left its Windows open.
  15. Why do burglars never play cricket? Because they refuse to get caught.
  16. What do you call a crocodile that likes to bowl? A strike-itile.
  17. Why did the cookie go to jail? Because it was a crumb-nal.
  18. What do you call a detective who can’t let go of the past? Old-case Holmes.
  19. Why did the scarecrow turn to crime? He was tired of being out-standing in his field.
  20. Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems and a rap sheet a mile long.
  21. What do you call a Russian cat burglar? Ivana Snatchacat.
  22. Why did the criminal become an archaeologist? He wanted to dig up his past.
  23. Why was the computer at the police station so tired? It had a hard drive.
  24. What did the judge say when the skunk walked in? “Odor in the court.”
  25. What do you call a judge who loves gardening? Justice of the peace.

Conclusion

Crime jokes bring a playful twist to the otherwise serious realm of law and order. Through puns, clever wordplay, and unexpected punch lines, these jokes manage to elicit laughter by presenting criminals, police officers, and the justice system in a comical light. Whether it’s a thief attempting to improve their fine arts degree or a computer leaving its Windows open at the police station, these jokes offer a delightful escape from the seriousness of crime.

So next time you need a good laugh, remember these crime jokes and share them with friends to brighten their day with a touch of criminal humor.

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