britain jokes
Why did the British biscuit go to therapy?
Because it had too many crummy thoughts.
What do you call an English cat who can play the guitar?
A Brit-purr Hit!
What do you call James Bond when he takes a break?
Tea-totaller.
Why did the British policeman go to the bakery?
He heard there were some rolls to be filled!
What do you call an angry Brit?
Tea’d off.
Why did the British soccer team go to the bakery?
Because they needed a good ‘roll’ model.
How does the queen cut her lawn?
She insists on reigning it in.
Why don’t British people play chess?
Because the queen never dies.
What do you call a British train full of professors?
A tube of smarties.
Why did the Big Ben visit the dentist?
Because it had a bad chime.
Why do the British make great detectives?
They always spill the tea.
What do you call an English teacher with a sunburn?
Roasted beef.
What’s a British ghost’s favorite food?
Boo-ty pie.
What did the British footballer do when he needed a tie?
He went for a Windsor Knot.
Why did the English coffee taste like mud?
Because it was freshly ground.
How do you know if a Brit has been in your fridge?
You’re out of tea.
How do British cows do maths?
With a cow-culator.
What do you call a happy British weather forecast?
A brief encounter with the sun.
Why did the Brit wear two jackets when painting the house?
Because the can said you need two coats.
Why did the English dog sit in the shade?
Because he didn’t want to be a hot dog.
How does the British Prime Minister make his bed?
With sheets of parliament.
Why don’t the British trust atoms?
Because they make up everything.
Why don’t oysters donate to charity?
Because they are shellfish.
Why did the English football team go to the bakery?
Because they needed a good ‘roll’ model.
Why did the tomato turn red?
Because it saw the salad dressing.
How does the Queen stay safe while surfing the internet?
She always uses a secure site.
Why did the British cucumber blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing!
What’s a Brit’s favorite type of humor?
Irony.
Why don’t the British make two trips?
Because they “carry on.”
What do you call an English cucumber?
A cool cumber.
Why do British people never play hide and seek?
Because good luck hiding when the kettle’s on.
What’s a British snowman’s favorite breakfast?
Ice Krispies.
Why did the Brit get a ticket at the parking lot?
Because it was not the “right” place.
What did the British man say to his wife before he jumped in the pool?
I’m going to make a splash, darling!
Why did the British ghost join the police force?
He wanted to learn the “boo” laws.
How do you know when you’re flying over Britain?
You can’t see anything due to cloud cover.
What’s a Brit’s favorite type of tree?
Tea tree.
How do you compliment a Brit?
Tell them their teeth are straighter than the weather forecast.
How do the British weather forecasters apologize for a wrong forecast?
They insist it’s just a mist-understanding.
What do you call a grumpy Brit on Monday?
A cloudy day.
Why do the British prefer tea over jokes?
Because jokes can’t be steeped.
What does a British mushroom say when he’s asked to share a joke?
I’m a “fun-guy.”
What do you call a fish with a crown in England?
King Fish and Chips.
How do Brits apologize for a bad joke?
They follow up with a brew-tiful one.
What’s a Brit’s favorite type of maths?
Geometry, because it’s just plane shapes.
How does a British seagull laugh?
With squawkward humour.
What do you call a British scarecrow?
Anything you like, it won’t respond.
Why did the Englishman bring a ladder to the bar?
He heard the drinks were on the house.
What’s the difference between England and a teabag?
The teabag stays in the cup longer.
What did the British man say when he accidentally dropped his watch? “Oh, would you look at the time!”
What’s a British skeleton’s favorite instrument?
The trom-bone.
Why did the British man keep a clock under his desk?
He wanted to work overtime.
Why did the Brit put his money in the blender?
Because he wanted to make some liquid assets.
What did the Brit say when he saw a one-eyed Loch Ness monster? “Eye, Nessie!”
Why don’t Brits use bookmarks?
Because the Queen never forgets where she stops.
What did the Brit say when the bread roll got stuck in the toaster? “It’s toast!”
Why did the British man take a ladder to school?
Because he was going for high education.
What’s a Brit’s favorite place to go during the winter?
In-side!
What do you call a British spider?
A web designer.
Why did the Englishman stare at the can of orange juice?
Because it said “concentrate.”
Why do the British always carry a map?
So they never go off tea topic.
Why was the British sandwich always confused?
It just couldn’t make up its “minds.”
Why did the Brit wear sunglasses to the bank?
Because he had bright ideas.
What did the English cat have for breakfast?
Mice Krispies.
Why do the British make terrible team players?
They refuse to spill the tea.
Why did the Brit go to the River Thames with a ladder?
Because he heard the water was running.
What do you call a Brit with a rubber toe?
Roberto.
Why did the Brit go to school in the aeroplane?
He wanted higher education.
How did the British man feel when he finished his jigsaw puzzle in 6 months?
Proud, because it said “2-4 years” on the box.
What’s a Brit’s favorite type of exercise?
Diddly squats.
Why did the Brit go to space?
To prove there was “room” for more.
What do you call a Brit who tells dad jokes but has no kids?
A faux pa.
Why did the British man bring his pencil to bed?
He wanted to draw curtains.
What’s a Brit’s favorite type of music?
Heavy me-tal.
Why do Brits make terrible chefs?
They keep boiling everything, even jokes.
Why did the English bread go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby.
How do Brits keep their trousers up?
With a good belt of Scotch.
Why did the Brit bring a ladder to the pub?
He heard that the drinks were on the house.
What did the British window say to the door?
You’re unhinged!
Why did the English man have a garden at the bottom of his trousers?
Because he wanted to put some spring in his step!
What do you call a British pickle?
A tickle.
Why do the British always carry tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
Why did the Brit go to the fridge?
Because he heard there was a cool party going on.
What’s a Brit’s favorite animal at the zoo?
The zebra, because it’s black, white, and red all over.
What did the Brit say when he saw a snake?
I guess it’s time to “scale” back the garden visits!
What’s a Brit’s favorite type of bread?
Crust-tea.
Why did the Brit bring a broom to the game?
Because he heard it was a clean sweep.
Why did the Brit bring a pencil behind his ear?
Because he wanted to draw attention.
What did the British bee use to brush its hair?
A honeycomb.
Why did the British bird go to school?
To get a little more “tweet.”
What do you call a Brit with a car on his head?
Jack.
Why did the British tomato turn red?
Because it saw the salad dressing.
Why did the Brit wear a top hat to dinner?
Because he wanted to have a “head” start.
What did the British man say when he accidentally dropped his glass? “Well, that’s a smashing time!”
Why did the Brit bring a map to the party?
Because he didn’t want to go off course.
How do you know a British burglar has been in your house?
The tea is gone and the biscuits are half-eaten.
Why did the British chef become a gardener?
Because he wanted to grow thyme.
Why did the British man put his radio in the fridge?
He wanted to hear some cool music.
Why did the British man stare at the Ford?
Because it said Focus.
Why did the Brit bring a pencil to the football match?
He wanted to draw a match.
What did the British man say when he saw a banana? “Yellow, nice to meet you!”
Why did the British man put his clock in the oven?
He wanted to have a hot time.
Why did the Brit stare at the carton of orange juice?
It said “concentrate.”
What do you call a fish wearing a crown?
The king of the sea.
Why did the British man go to the bar?
He heard they were serving drafts.
Why did the Brit bring a ladder to school?
He wanted to go to high school.
Why did the Brit put a bell on his door?
Because he wanted to win-door bell prize.
What do you call a British skeleton who won’t work?
Lazy bones.
Why did the Brit bring a tape measure to the park?
Because he wanted to measure his footie skills.
What’s a British computer’s favorite snack?
Microchips.
Why did the British spider go to school?
To improve its web site.
Why did the British man carry a pencil behind his ear?
He wanted to draw attention.
Why did the Brit bring a light bulb to the party?
Because he wanted to lighten the mood.
Why do British birds fly south for the winter?
It’s too far to walk.
What do you call a smart British cat?
A top cat-ademic.
Why did the British man sit on the clock?
He wanted to be on “time.”
Why did the Brit bring a flower to the party?
Because he was a bloom-ing party animal!
What did the Brit say when his wife asked if he was listening to her? “Sorry, I was lost in an English fog.”
What did the British man say when he spotted a space man? “He’s out of this world!”
Why did the Brit wear his shoes in the house?
He wanted to have a “sneaky” time.
Why did the Brit go to the piano store?
Because he wanted to pull some strings.
Why did the Brit bring a fan to the party?
Because he wanted to be a cool dude.
Why did the Brit bring a door to the bar?
Because he wanted to handle his drink.
Why did the British bird carry a suitcase?
He wanted to “pack” a tweet!
Why did the British man carry a clock on his back?
Because he was a “time” traveler.
Why did the British man bring a horse to the party?
Because he heard it was a “gala” event.
Why did the Brit go to the music store?
He wanted to score some notes.
What did the Brit say when he saw the apple? “I find you ‘a-peeling’!”
Why did the Brit carry a ruler to bed?
Because he wanted to measure how long he slept.
Why did the Brit bring a key to the party?
Because he wanted to unlock some fun.
What did the Brit say when he saw a parrot? “You’re tweet-ing interesting!”
What did the British man do when he lost his job?
He lost his “tea.”
Why did the British man bring a comb to the game?
Because he wanted to go through a fine-toothed comb.
Why did the British man carry a calendar?
Because he wanted a “date.”
Why did the Brit put the money in the blender?
Because he wanted to make some liquid assets.
What did the British man say when he saw the cake? “You’re a piece of cake!”
What do you call a Brit who can play the piano?
A key player.
Why did the Brit bring a chair to the party?
Because he wanted to seat down.
Why did the British man carry a lamp to the party?
Because he wanted to light up the room.
What did the Brit say when he saw the burger? “Nice to meat you!”
Why did the Brit bring a picture to the party?
Because he wanted to “frame” the moment.
What do you call a Brit with a rubber toe?
Roberto.
Why did the Brit bring a mushroom to the party?
Because he’s a fun-gi.
Why did the Brit bring a map to the party?
Because he didn’t want to “lose his way.”
What did the British man say when he saw the onion? “I’m in tears!”
Why did the British man bring a shoe to the party?
Because he wanted to have a “sole” good time.
Why did the Brit bring a fishing rod to the party?
Because he wanted to catch some fun.
What did the Brit say when he saw the chicken? “You’re egg-cellent!”
Why did the Brit bring a bucket to the party?
Because he wanted to kick the bucket.
What do you call a Brit who loves gardening?
A plant manager.