57+ break up jokes

  1. Why don’t scientists trust atoms anymore? Because they make up everything, just like my ex!
  2. My relationship was like an algebra class. It had too many ‘X’s.
  3. I don’t mind the break up, but the custody battle over the Netflix account is brutal.
  4. I broke up with my gym. We were just not working out.
  5. Why did the man break up with his gardener girlfriend? She was always beating around the bush.
  6. My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair. But I knew she’d come crawling back to me.
  7. You know your break up was bad when even the Internet cookies say, “I don’t remember you”.
  8. My relationship status? Let’s just say my phone isn’t the only thing that’s been on 1% for a while now.
  9. I told my ex we could still be friends. Turns out, I don’t even like her as a friend.
  10. My love life is like my phone battery. Dead by midday.
  11. How is being in a failed relationship like being an archaeologist? The older you get, the less interested you are in digging up the past.
  12. I wasn’t heartbroken when we broke up. I was liver broken. And kidney broken. Too much drinking.
  13. How is dating like a game of chess? The queen protects the king until she’s taken out.
  14. My girlfriend broke up with me because of my obsession with horoscopes. It Taurus apart.
  15. I broke up with my crossword girlfriend. She kept trying to fill in the blanks.
  16. I used to date a girl with a lazy eye. Had to break it off because she was seeing someone else on the side.
  17. My girlfriend left me because I’m too insecure. No wait, she’s back. Oh no, there she goes again…
  18. Why did the grammar teacher break up with the punctuation mark? He was too possessive!
  19. Broke up with my baker girlfriend because she was loafing around too much.
  20. She wanted a fairy tale ending, so I let her go. I’m not into fiction.
  21. I broke up with my girlfriend at the zoo. I think we had irreconcilable differences. She wanted kids, but I wanted monkeys.
  22. I was dating an artist but had to break up. She had too many sketchy habits.
  23. Broke up with my girlfriend after she said she didn’t like Star Wars. I told her, “I find your lack of taste disturbing.”
  24. My girlfriend left me because I kept pretending to be a transformer. I said, “No wait! I can change!”
  25. What do you call a breakup between two electricians? A power cut!
  26. I broke up with my girlfriend over her terrible sense of direction. So she packed up her stuff and right.
  27. My girlfriend broke up with me because of my obsession with touching pasta. I’m feeling cannelloni right now.
  28. She broke up with me because I was too paranoid. Or was that what she wanted me to think?
  29. Why did the girlfriend break up with the coffee? Because it was mugging her off.
  30. Why did the ice cream break up with the spoon? Because it had a scoop on the side.
  31. Why did the sun break up with the moon? Because it was tired of going through phases.
  32. I just ended a relationship with a sentence. It was a long sentence.
  33. My ex said she missed me, but her aim is improving.
  34. My ex and I were a perfect match. But only if the game was tug-of-war.
  35. My girlfriend said she’s leaving me because I keep playing Pokémon Go. I said, “That’s a weird thing to Pikachu a fight over.”
  36. Broke up with my Kleptomaniac girlfriend. She said she needed some space. And my watch.
  37. My girlfriend left me for a mime. I should have seen the silent signs.
  38. I used to date a girl who works at Starbucks. But I had to break it off because it was always the same old grind.
  39. My girlfriend broke up with me because she said I was too obsessed with football. I was shocked. I’ve been with her for three seasons.
  40. Broke up with my magician girlfriend. Every time I looked away, she was doing another trick with some other guy.
  41. What’s the difference between a breakup and a magician’s show? One has actual disappearing acts.
  42. Broke up with my girlfriend on Halloween because she ghosted me.
  43. I dumped my girlfriend after she said she saw a UFO. I can’t date someone that spacey.
  44. My girlfriend left me because I’m a compulsive gambler. All I can think about is how to win her back.
  45. I told my ex we could still be friends, but I’m not sure if she got the memo. She deleted me on Facebook.
  46. My girlfriend broke up with me because she didn’t like my pet snail. I said, “Snailed it!”
  47. My girlfriend dumped me because of my obsession with pointing out doors to people. I just wanted to show her the exit.
  48. She broke up with me because she said I was a rebel. Well, I didn’t see that one coming.
  49. My relationship ended over religious differences. She thought she was God, and I disagreed.
  50. My girlfriend broke up with me because of my obsession with supermarkets. Well, more checkouts for me.
  51. We broke up because we both loved dogs. But she loved the mailman’s more.
  52. Broke up with my circus performer girlfriend. Too much juggling in our relationship.
  53. My relationship status? Let’s just say even the cat is starting to look good.
  54. My girlfriend broke up with me because I was too paranoid. I knew it would happen!
  55. I had to break up with my girlfriend. I couldn’t bear the panda-monium she caused.
  56. Why did the programmer break up with his girlfriend? He wasn’t getting any callbacks.
  57. My ex used to have a crush on me. Until we met.
  58. Broke up with my clown girlfriend. She always tried to make up when we fought.
  59. My girlfriend dumped me because of my obsession with car doors. I should have kept it shut.
  60. My girlfriend left me because I kept trying to be a baker. Guess I couldn’t make enough dough.
  61. Why did the smartphone date the charger? Because it couldn’t imagine a life without its ex-battery.
  62. My girlfriend left me because she said I always ruin her mood. Well, at least I’m good at ruining something.
  63. She broke up with me because she said I was too childish. But I had already called dibs on the last laugh.
  64. My girlfriend left me because I’m so pessimistic. She said, “I bet you’re sad about this.” I said, “I knew you’d say that.”
  65. I broke up with my girlfriend after she couldn’t get my sarcasm. She’ll be missed… or whatever.
  66. My girlfriend broke up with me because of my obsession with car parking. It all went downhill when I couldn’t find a space for her in my life.
  67. Why did the scarecrow break up with the cornstalk? She was all ears.
  68. I broke up with my girlfriend over a garlic bread argument. It was a heated discussion, but it wasn’t a bread breaker.
  69. My girlfriend left me because I’m too old-fashioned. She didn’t appreciate my horse and carriage.
  70. My girlfriend broke up with me because I have a habit of narrating my own life. It was a hard chapter to close.
  71. I broke up with my girlfriend after she refused to share the TV remote. She had too much control in the relationship.
  72. I had to break up with my yoga teacher girlfriend. There was too much bending backwards for each other.
  73. Why did the keyboard break up with the mouse? Because it heard there was some clicking going on.
  74. My ex-girlfriend was like a tropical fruit. First sweet, then sour.
  75. I broke up with my girlfriend because she kept singing Wonderwall. I said maybe, you’re going to be the one that saves me, and after all, you’re not my Wonderwall.
  76. My girlfriend left me because I am a compulsive liar. Actually, that’s not true. I don’t have a girlfriend.
  77. Why did the computer break up with the internet? There were too many connections.
  78. My girlfriend left me because I kept pretending to be a detective. I see there were some clues I missed.
  79. I broke up with my girlfriend because she wouldn’t stop counting. I wonder what she’s up to now.
  80. My girlfriend broke up with me because of my cheap puns. But I guess, it’s pun in a million.
  81. I used to date an English teacher, but she dumped me for improper use of the colon.
  82. My girlfriend left me because I keep acting like a waiter. I’m serving her right.
  83. My girlfriend dumped me for saying she’s just like an endearing old car. I meant she was a-dorable.
  84. I dumped my girlfriend after she gained a lot of weight. She’s too heavy to carry in my heart.
  85. I had to break up with my girlfriend because she thought she was a cat. I’m allergic to cats.
  86. My girlfriend left me because I keep pretending to be a bridge. It’s what I go over.
  87. Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend? He needed some space.
  88. My girlfriend dumped me because she said I was too literal. I can’t see how that pans out.
  89. My girlfriend broke up with me because I couldn’t remember her birthday. Well, dates were never my thing.
  90. My girlfriend left me because I kept trying to be a baker. I guess she doesn’t knead me anymore.
  91. I broke up with my girlfriend over my obsession with touching pasta. I feel cannelloni right now.
  92. I had to break up with my girlfriend because she was too loud. She was sound and fury, signifying nothing.
  93. I broke up with my girlfriend because she kept trying to alphabetize my M&Ms. I don’t want to sort it out.
  94. I broke up with my girlfriend after she won the lottery. She became too self-raisin.
  95. I dumped my girlfriend after she got her geometry wrong. It’s not a good angle for our relationship.
  96. My girlfriend left me because I was too selfish. I’m glad she’s gone. More me time.
  97. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing, just like I did when I saw my ex with someone else.
  98. I had to break up with my girlfriend because she kept stealing my sweaters. I wasn’t warm to the idea.
  99. My girlfriend dumped me because I always wear glasses. I clearly didn’t see that coming.
  100. I broke up with my girlfriend because she was always tired. She didn’t have energy for a relationship.
  101. My girlfriend left me because I keep pretending to be a transformer. But I said, “I can change!”
  102. I dumped my girlfriend because she wouldn’t stop pretending to be a news reporter. She just didn’t get the scoop.
  103. My girlfriend dumped me because of my obsession with the alphabet. She said I put ‘U’ and ‘I’ too far apart.
  104. My girlfriend left me because I kept comparing her to my Xbox. She didn’t like the game.
  105. My girlfriend broke up with me because I couldn’t stop acting like a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
  106. I broke up with my girlfriend because she was a tadpole. She was too immature.
  107. Why did the soda break up with the popcorn? Because it was always so salty.
  108. I dumped my girlfriend because she said she loves eating flowers. It wasn’t a blooming relationship.
  109. My girlfriend dumped me because I wouldn’t stop pretending to be a banker. I lost interest.
  110. My girlfriend left me because I have a lazy eye. It never saw things from her point of view.
  111. Why did the keyboard break up with the computer? It felt used.
  112. My girlfriend left me because I was too explosive. I went out with a bang.
  113. Why did the smartphone break up with its SIM card? It was afraid of getting too attached.
  114. I broke up with my girlfriend because she was like a broken pencil. Pointless.
  115. Why did the calendar break up with the year? It was getting too dated.
  116. My girlfriend broke up with me because of my obsession with time travel. That was a thing of the past.
  117. My girlfriend left me because I wouldn’t stop talking about the moon. It wasn’t just a phase.
  118. I had to break up with my girlfriend because she wouldn’t stop pretending to be a nun. She had too many habits.
  119. I broke up with my girlfriend because she wouldn’t stop trying to be a pirate. She was always after my booty.
  120. My girlfriend left me because I was too unsteady. She said I had to shape up or ship out.
  121. My girlfriend broke up with me because of my obsession with gardening. She said I have too many hoes.
  122. I had to break up with my girlfriend because she kept losing her temper. It was a heated moment.
  123. My girlfriend broke up with me because of my obsession with camping. She said I have too many intents.
  124. I broke up with my girlfriend because she wouldn’t stop acting like a clock. It was about time.
  125. My girlfriend broke up with me because she couldn’t handle my mood swings. She needed to hang on.
  126. I broke up with my girlfriend because she wouldn’t stop pretending to be a queen. She was too dramatic.
  127. My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with fishing. She said I have too many hooks.
  128. I broke up with my girlfriend because she wouldn’t stop acting like a bee. She was too buzzy.
  129. My girlfriend broke up with me because of my obsession with bowling. She said I have too many strikes.
  130. I broke up with my girlfriend because she wouldn’t stop pretending to be a bird. She was always flapping around.
  131. My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with football. She said I need to get a kick out of life.

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