101 Battle Jokes

Step onto the battlefield of humor as we delve into a world where knights, warriors, and soldiers don’t just clash swords and shields but also engage in a playful combat of wit. In this light-hearted compilation of battle jokes, we’ll explore the comical side of warriors, generals, and historical figures as they trade blows of laughter instead of steel.

These jokes take us on a whimsical journey through the ages, where puns, wordplay, and clever twists unveil the humorous camaraderie amidst the chaos of war. So, prepare your armor of amusement and join us as we unveil the battle jokes that prove humor can conquer all!

Battle Jokes

Top 101 Battle Jokes:

  1. Why don’t knights talk to each other during combat? Because they don’t want to cross swords!
  2. What did the Roman general say to his troops before they went into battle? “Romans, lend me your fears!”
  3. What do you call a Viking who goes into battle alone? Sir-Vives-Alot.
  4. Why don’t armies play hide and seek? Because good soldiers never hide!
  5. Why did the knight go to the battlefield with a pencil? To draw his sword.
  6. How do soldiers tie their shoes? In little boot-camps.
  7. What do you call a gun that doesn’t work? A shotgun’t.
  8. What’s a samurai’s favorite type of sandwich? Swords on rye!
  9. Why was the Roman soldier always stuck on guard duty? Because he couldn’t pass the centurion test!
  10. What did the angry knight say? “I’m going to put you in your lance-place!”
  11. Why don’t soldiers use umbrellas? They prefer to be under arms!
  12. Why did the soldier break up with his girlfriend? Because he was tired of the war of roses.
  13. Why did the general put his troops on baking duty? He heard they were great at rolling out dough!
  14. Why was the military book so bad? It had too many generals and not enough specifics.
  15. What do you call a war between two cities in Minecraft? A block battle!
  16. Why did the sword get a time-out? Because it had a sharp attitude.
  17. Why was the ancient warrior a music fan? Because he likes to battle to the beat!
  18. How do knights communicate in a battle? They use chain-mail.
  19. Why did the gun apply for a job? He wanted to go off with a bang!
  20. Why was the tomato blushing? Because it saw the salad dressing for battle.
  21. What do you call a ninja cat? A purr-ssassin.
  22. Why do warriors always carry a map? So they never get caught off guard!
  23. How does a knight beat a dragon? He waits until it’s dragon its feet!
  24. Why are medieval times called dark ages? Because they had too many knights.
  25. Why did the swordfish join the army? It wanted to be part of the infantry.
  26. Why did the soldier bring string to the battlefield? So he could tie up loose ends.
  27. Why don’t soldiers use bookmarks? Because the enemy could track their every page.
  28. Why was the Civil War so civil? Because it had a lot of generals!
  29. How do armies organize their files? In rank order.
  30. Why did the medieval baker go to war? He was on a roll!
  31. What do you call a knight that is afraid to fight? Sir Render.
  32. What is a ninja’s favorite drink? Wataaaaah!
  33. Why did the soldier go to art school? He wanted to learn camouflage.
  34. Why did the bullet break up with the gun? It felt too fired up.
  35. What do you call a samurai with hay fever? Achoo-nobi.
  36. Why do knights never catch a cold? Because an armored coat keeps them warm!
  37. What did the big cannon say to the little cannon? You’re too young to be smoking!
  38. Why was the belt arrested in the army? For holding up a pair of pants!
  39. Why do warriors never play cards? They’re afraid of the suits.
  40. What’s the first thing warriors put on in the morning? Their battle clothes.
  41. Why did the knight bring a stick to the battle? He wanted to fight in a knighting stick competition.
  42. What do you call a happy Viking? Glad-he-ate-her.
  43. Why don’t knights use calendars? Because they always lose track of dates in the heat of battle!
  44. Why did the knight go shopping? He heard there was a sale at the armor!
  45. Why did the army recruit the baker? Because he always rose to the occasion.
  46. What’s the most dangerous type of vegetable to have in a food fight? A spear-agus.
  47. Why do ninjas always carry notebooks? So they can jot down any sudden moves!
  48. Why was the submarine a great soldier? Because it had deep-seated abilities.
  49. What’s a boxer’s favorite drink? Punch.
  50. Why don’t warriors make good comedians? They take everything too seriously.
  51. What do you call a cowardly knight? Sir Cumference, because he’s always around when there’s trouble.
  52. Why did the Viking get a time out? He wouldn’t stop raiding the cookie jar!
  53. What do you call a fight between film actors? Star wars!
  54. Why did the sword swallower visit the psychologist? He couldn’t digest his feelings.
  55. What’s a medieval knight’s favorite fish? Swordfish!
  56. Why did the king go to battle? To monarch his territory.
  57. Why don’t armies use USBs? They might catch a virus.
  58. Why was the Civil War soldier always tired? He lost too many Z’s in battle.
  59. How do knights cheer each other on during a fight? Hip-hip-hooray!
  60. What do you call a weapon that refuses to fight? A paci-fist.
  61. Why do knights always carry a pencil and paper? To sketch out their battle plans.
  62. What do you call a sleeping army base? A fort-yawn.
  63. How do you stop an army on horseback? Turn off their gallop poll.
  64. What did the ghost soldier say to his comrade? “I’m here in spirit!”
  65. What do you call a very fast soldier? Infantry.
  66. Why was the cavalry so good at basketball? They always get the horse shots.
  67. Why did the soldier keep a diary? He wanted to have an account of his war-drobe.
  68. Why did the general become a gardener? He wanted to plant some mines.
  69. What did one grenade say to the other? “Let’s have a blast!”
  70. How does a soldier clean his sword? He uses knight polish!
  71. What’s a knight’s favorite exercise? Squats, because they strengthen the armor-legs.
  72. Why did the warrior become a chef? Because he was good with the ‘slice’ and ‘dice’!
  73. Why do cannons never take selfies? They always blast their own image.
  74. How does a warrior prepare his chicken? In a battle-ship pot.
  75. Why did the armor get an award? It had outstanding shield-ty.
  76. Why did the medieval knight go to the dance? He heard they were playing his favorite jam-boree.
  77. What do soldiers use to unlock doors? Tanks.
  78. Why do soldiers always carry a red pen? In case they have to draw blood.
  79. What do you call an emotional military base? Fort Feelings.
  80. How does a soldier keep his pants up? With an armor belt.
  81. Why do warriors hate rain? It dampens their spirits.
  82. What did the bullet say to the gun? “You make my heart race and my head spin!”
  83. Why don’t warriors need to learn math? Because they always count on their swords.
  84. How do you defeat an army of cats? Use a can opener.
  85. Why did the soldier carry a broom? To sweep the enemy off their feet!
  86. Why did the general bring a ladder to the battle? He wanted to get a leg up on the enemy.
  87. Why did the sword get in trouble at school? It was too edgy.
  88. How does a warrior stay cool in battle? He uses a fan-atik.
  89. What do you call a tardy knight? Sir Late-a-lot.
  90. Why did the soldier put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!
  91. Why was the army football team so good? They always play in the field.
  92. Why was the gun always losing? It kept shooting itself in the foot.
  93. What do you call a fight between a wizard and a large cat? A magic cat-fight.
  94. Why don’t soldiers use puns in battle? They prefer straight shoots.
  95. Why was the Roman soldier so strict? He was trying to keep his troops in line.
  96. How did the ninja prepare his coffee? Stealthily.
  97. Why did the Viking ship have barcodes? So they could Scandinavian.
  98. What’s a knight’s favorite drink? Chivalry on the rocks.
  99. How does a warrior cut his hair? He enters a barber-ian shop.
  100. Why was the knight always sleepy? He worked the knight shift.
  101. What’s a soldier’s favorite type of music? Heavy metal!


As the laughter echoes across the battlefield, these battle jokes demonstrate that even in the most serious and intense situations, humor can serve as a powerful weapon to lighten the spirits and foster camaraderie among warriors. From knights crossing swords to generals lending their fears, these playful jests remind us that warriors, too, have a lighthearted side that transcends the turmoil of conflict.

Through puns, wordplay, and clever twists, these jokes draw a smile on the faces of soldiers, ninjas, and Vikings alike. They highlight the timeless aspect of humor that transcends generations, making us realize that even the most fearsome warriors can be tickled by a well-timed joke.

So, let us carry these battle jokes with us, not as weapons of war, but as shields of mirth, ready to brighten even the darkest of days. As the jesters of history remind us, a hearty laugh can be as invincible as the strongest armor. As we part ways, may you find yourself armed with a new appreciation for the power of humor and a quiver full of jokes to share with friends and foes alike. Remember, whether in the midst of conflict or the tranquility of peace, a good laugh is always a victorious end in itself!

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