142 boston jokes

  1. Why don’t Bostonians make good bakers? Because they always leave the batter on base.
  2. What do you call a bear in Boston? Lost!
  3. Why did the tourist in Boston get so tired? They took the “T” too far.
  4. How do Bostonians stay in shape? They do the Fenway Run: a jog to the stadium and a sprint to their seats.
  5. Why did the Bostonian bring a ladder to the bar? He heard the drinks were on the house.
  6. Why are there no secrets in Boston? Because even the beans spill.
  7. Why was the computer cold at the Boston Public Library? It left its Windows open.
  8. Why don’t they play hide and seek in Boston? Because good luck hiding when you can’t stop talking about the Red Sox.
  9. Why do the ducks in Boston never get lost? They just follow the Freedom Trail.
  10. Why did the Bostonian go broke? He kept buying rounds for the “Harbor.”
  11. Why don’t Bostonians trust atoms? Because they make up everything, unlike the “real” facts from Fenway Park.
  12. Why is it so hard to solve a mystery in Boston? Because everyone has their own theory.
  13. Why did the baseball player move to Boston? He wanted to be closer to his base.
  14. How do you know if you’re talking to a Bostonian? They’ll let you know within 5 minutes of meeting you.
  15. Why did the Red Sox fan carry a map? He was searching for the “catcher” in the rye.
  16. What did the Bostonian say to his broken coffee machine? You’re brew-tal!
  17. Why don’t Bostonians play chess in the park? Because it’s hard to play when you’re too busy arguing about sports.
  18. How do you know you’re at a Boston wedding? When the priest asks, “Do you swear to love, honor, and protect the Red Sox till death do you part?”
  19. Why do Bostonians go to the bakery? Because they knead the dough.
  20. Why was the Boston lobster blushing? It saw the clam chowder.
  21. Why are Boston Marathon runners like meteorologists? They both care about the long run.
  22. Why was the Boston coffee shop closed? It was out of “Bean” town.
  23. Why did the Bostonian bring a map to the bar? Because he heard there were lots of drafts.
  24. How do you know a Bostonian invented the computer? It has a “Caps Lock” key for all their yelling about the Red Sox.
  25. Why did the cookie go to therapy in Boston? It felt crummy and needed someone to Boston it up.
  26. Why don’t Boston dogs play poker? Too many paws on the table!
  27. What do you call a musician at Fenway Park? A score keeper.
  28. What does a Bostonian do when his team has won the championship? He wakes up.
  29. Why did the Bostonian refuse to play cards with the jungle cat? Because he was afraid of cheetahs.
  30. Why did the Bostonian bring a bucket to the comedy show? Just in case they split their sides.
  31. What’s a Bostonian’s favorite part of a joke? The “pahk” line.
  32. Why did the Bostonian go to the fridge? He heard there was a cool draft.
  33. How do you know if a Bostonian has stolen your dictionary? All the “r”s are missing.
  34. Why did the Bostonian bring a calculator to Fenway Park? They wanted to work on their diamond math.
  35. How do you know the toothbrush was invented in Boston? If it was invented anywhere else, it would be called a teethbrush.
  36. Why was the Boston book never finished? The author couldn’t find the perfect ending for the Red Sox.
  37. Why don’t Bostonians tell secrets in their garden? Because the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears, and the beans talk.
  38. How does a Bostonian show you they’re angry? They give you the cold coffee.
  39. What do you call a fashionable Bostonian? A trend setter in the “setta.”
  40. Why did the Bostonian put his radio in the fridge? He wanted cool music.
  41. What did the Boston Red Sox fan get on his math test? Drool.
  42. How can you tell a Bostonian baked the bread? It’s got a crust harder than their accent.
  43. Why was the Boston police officer sleeping on the job? He was undercover.
  44. Why did the Bostonian go to the doctor? They had a bad case of baseball fever.
  45. Why do Bostonians go to school? Because they heard you can’t put a price on a good education, but you can put a bet on a good game.
  46. Why did the Bostonian carry a compass? Because North End keeps moving.
  47. How do you know if a ghost is from Boston? They haunt with an accent.
  48. What do you call a Bostonian who doesn’t like sports? A myth.
  49. Why did the Bostonian bring sunscreen to the game? He didn’t want to get a third degree burn.
  50. What do you call a Bostonian with no socks? A Red Sox fan in the off-season.
  51. Why are Boston drivers like baseball players? When they’re on a roll, they just can’t stop.
  52. What does a Bostonian call a lost cat? A Fen-wayward feline.
  53. Why do Bostonians make good detectives? They always catch the “pitch.”
  54. Why don’t Bostonians need a GPS? Because they always follow the Red Sox.
  55. Why was the sandwich banned from Boston? It had too much “roll.”
  56. What did the Bostonian say when he saw a ghost? “I knew I shouldn’t have had that last Sam Adams.”
  57. Why did the Bostonian go to the beach? To do some “sand”wiching.
  58. Why did the lobster refuse to share his food? Because he was shellfish, even by Boston standards.
  59. What’s a Bostonian’s favorite type of music? Anything but the “blues.”
  60. Why are there no cat cafes in Boston? Because the cats kept getting into fights with the Red Sox fans.
  61. How do Bostonians stay cool in summer? They have lots of “ice” hockey.
  62. What do Bostonians use to fix everything? Duct “Tape.”
  63. Why do Bostonians drink iced coffee in winter? They can’t let a little cold brew them off.
  64. Why do Bostonians love winter? It’s the only time everyone else is as pale as they are.
  65. How do Bostonians stay warm in winter? They use the “heat” of the competition.
  66. What did the Bostonian say to the hamburger at Fenway Park? Nice to “meat” you.
  67. Why did the Bostonian bring a ruler to Fenway Park? They wanted to measure the pitcher’s mound.
  68. Why did the donut visit Boston? It wanted to go on a “roll.”
  69. How do you stop a Bostonian from talking about their favorite sports team? You can’t.
  70. Why was the Bostonian bad at golf? He always thought he had to hit a home run.
  71. What do you call a Bostonian who can play piano? A key player.
  72. How do you know when you’ve met a Bostonian? They’re the ones correcting your pronunciation of “chowdah.”
  73. What’s a Bostonian’s favorite type of poetry? Free verse, like their speech.
  74. Why was the baseball game in Boston so hot? All the fans left.
  75. How can you tell a dog is from Boston? When it barks, it rolls its “r’s”.
  76. Why do Bostonians make great detectives? They always follow the right “lead.”
  77. What’s a Bostonian’s favorite type of tree? The one that can “pahk” itself.
  78. Why did the Bostonian go to the aquarium? They wanted to see the “catch of the day.”
  79. Why was the tomato red at the Boston market? Because it saw the salad dressing.
  80. What do Bostonians use to light their way? The “Lantern” district.
  81. What did the Boston pizza say to the competition? You’ve met your “crust.”
  82. Why are Bostonians like bread? They both rise to the occasion.
  83. How do you make a Bostonian laugh on a Saturday night? Tell them a joke on Tuesday.
  84. Why do Bostonians make terrible secret agents? They can’t resist bragging about their missions.
  85. How does a Bostonian express surprise? They say “Holy Chowdah!”
  86. Why did the Bostonian become a chef? He wanted to “beat” the eggs.
  87. What’s the first thing a Bostonian does in the morning? Checks the sports news.
  88. Why was the Bostonian late for work? They stopped for a “quick” game at Fenway.
  89. Why don’t Bostonians play cricket? They prefer to “hit” than “pitch.”
  90. How does a Bostonian get ready for a baseball game? They “catch” some Z’s.
  91. Why did the Bostonian cross the road? Because it was faster than taking the T.
  92. What do you call a Bostonian who can’t find their car? A lot confused.
  93. What do you call a Bostonian at a basketball game? A court jester.
  94. How does a Bostonian find their way home? They follow the trail of Dunkin’ Donuts.
  95. Why did the Bostonian go to the farm? They wanted to see the “pitcher’s” mound.
  96. What do you call a nervous Bostonian? A “bean” counter.
  97. Why do Bostonians never lose at tic-tac-toe? They always go for the “Sox.”
  98. What does a Bostonian call a fast car? Their “wicked fast” ride.
  99. What do Bostonians do when they’re bored? They go for a “spin” around the block.
  100. Why did the Bostonian carry a baseball bat? They never know when there might be a “hit.”
  101. Why did the Bostonian take a nap at the game? They were catching up on their “base” rest.
  102. Why was the Bostonian good at basketball? They always knew how to “pass” the time.
  103. Why do Bostonians love the rain? It reminds them of the “drizzle” on their donuts.
  104. What does a Bostonian call a good day? A Red Sox win.
  105. Why was the Bostonian like a cloud? When they disappeared, it was a beautiful day.
  106. Why do Bostonians hate elevators? They prefer to take the stairs, like at Fenway.
  107. Why did the Bostonian become a teacher? They wanted to “school” New York fans.
  108. What does a Bostonian call an unfunny joke? A Yankee.
  109. Why was the Bostonian like a lamp? They light up when the Red Sox play.
  110. Why do Bostonians go to the river? To check out the “current” events.
  111. Why do Bostonians never play hide and seek with their keys? Because good luck hiding when the car alarm keeps going off.
  112. What do you call a Bostonian in a library? A reader in the “stacks.”
  113. Why was the Bostonian like a broken clock? They’re right twice a day, usually about sports.
  114. Why do Bostonians love horse racing? Because it’s the one thing where being fast out of the gate is a good thing.
  115. Why was the Bostonian bad at cooking? They always burnt the “sox.”
  116. How do you know a shark is from Boston? When it bites, it takes a big “chomp.”
  117. Why was the Bostonian’s house like a baseball field? It had a lot of home runs.
  118. Why did the Bostonian get kicked out of the fruit stand? He couldn’t stop “pitching” apples.
  119. What do Bostonians use to cut their pizza? Little Italy.
  120. Why do Bostonians love soup? Because it’s the only bowl they’re sure to win.
  121. How do you get a Bostonian to keep a secret? Tell them it’s about the Yankees.
  122. Why did the Bostonian refuse to play poker? They were afraid of dealing with the hand they were given.
  123. Why did the Bostonian join the circus? He wanted to be a “pitcher” in the big leagues.
  124. What do you call a Bostonian who can’t sing? A tone-def Fenway fan.
  125. Why do Bostonians like to drive? Because walking is for Yankees.
  126. Why did the Bostonian go to the bakery? He wanted to see the Boston Cream “Pi.”
  127. What does a Bostonian call a strange animal? Fenway “Fah.”
  128. What’s a Bostonian’s favorite game? “Duck, Duck, Goose” in the Public Garden.
  129. What do you call a friendly Bostonian? A “Chowdah” head.
  130. What’s a Bostonian’s favorite piece of furniture? The “chair”-man of the board.
  131. Why did the Bostonian go to the art museum? They thought they said “drafts.”
  132. Why was the Bostonian like a boat? They’re always up for a good “row.”
  133. Why do Bostonians make good painters? They know how to “draw” a crowd.
  134. Why did the Bostonian love gardening? They always root for the home team.
  135. How does a Bostonian say goodbye? “C-ya latah, alligatah.”
  136. Why do Bostonians hate puzzles? They can’t figure out why anyone would want to hide a picture.
  137. What’s a Bostonian’s favorite constellation? The “Big Dippah.”
  138. Why are Bostonians like stars? They always want to be in the “spotlight.”
  139. Why did the Bostonian become a referee? They thought they said “free” instead of “ref.”
  140. Why are Bostonians bad at knitting? They always drop the ball.
  141. How do you confuse a Bostonian? Give them a map of New York.
  142. Why did the Bostonian join the orchestra? He wanted to be in “pitch” perfect.

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