141 consultant jokes
- Why don’t consultants look out the window in the morning? So they have something to do in the afternoon.
- What’s the difference between a consultant and a jet engine? The engine stops whining when it lands.
- How many consultants does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, but they’ll need a team to assess the feasibility of the project first.
- Why did the consultant cross the road? Because there was a billable hour on the other side.
- What’s a consultant’s favorite type of math? Division. Especially when it comes to dividing your company’s money amongst their team.
- What’s the difference between a dead skunk on the road and a dead consultant on the road? Skid marks in front of the skunk.
- Why do consultants always carry a notebook? In case they come across a problem they’ve actually solved before.
- How do you save a drowning consultant? Remove their hand from their own throat.
- Why are consultants like clouds? Because when they disappear, it’s a beautiful day.
- Why don’t consultants get lost? Because they always advise themselves on the right direction.
- What’s a consultant’s favorite spot on a chess board? The corner office.
- How do consultants make their coffee? Exceedingly complex and overpriced.
- How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? Five. One to change it and four to tell them they’re holding it wrong.
- Why do consultants make terrible comedians? Because their punch lines are always over budget.
- Why do consultants always carry a ladder? Because the problems are always on a higher level.
- Why are consultants like storms? They’re unpredictable, destructive, and leave you to pick up the pieces.
- What’s a consultant’s favorite song? “Take the Money and Run”.
- Why are consultants bad at hide and seek? They always show up when you least want them to.
- What does a consultant do when they see a snake? They hire a herpetologist, then take the credit for the solution.
- What do you call a consultant who is actually useful? A miracle.
- Why did the consultant get a ticket? He was caught overcharging at the speed limit.
- Why are consultants like casinos? The house always wins.
- Why did the consultant bring a ladder to the bar? To reach the high expectations.
- Why don’t consultants get sunburned? They always stay in the shadows of their clients.
- How do consultants spice up their food? With excessive fees.
- What’s a consultant’s favorite type of boat? One that’s sinking, so they can sell you a bucket.
- How do consultants sleep? Just fine, as long as they’ve billed their eight hours.
- Why do consultants never get tired? Because rest is not billable.
- What do you call a consultant without a laptop? Unemployed.
- What’s a consultant’s favorite day of the week? Monday, because the meter starts running again.
- How do you know a consultant is planning to tell a lie? Their lips are moving.
- Why are consultants like vending machines? You never get what you paid for.
- Why don’t consultants watch TV? They charge too much per hour to waste it.
- Why did the consultant go to the beach? To tell the waves they’re doing it wrong.
- Why do consultants always have a pencil behind their ear? They need to be ready to draw a line in the budget.
- Why do consultants always wear ties? To make sure their head doesn’t fly off from all the hot air.
- What do you call a consultant who can play a piano? An overpriced entertainer.
- What’s a consultant’s least favorite animal? A scapegoat.
- Why did the consultant go to the zoo? To charge the monkeys for climbing lessons.
- Why do consultants love golf? They can charge for each stroke and still miss the hole.
- Why did the consultant go to the bakery? Because he heard the dough was rising.
- What do consultants and lawyers have in common? They both charge more for briefs.
- How does a consultant propose? “Will you bill me the rest of my life?”
- What’s the difference between a consultant and a magician? One pulls rabbits out of hats, the other pulls excuses out of thin air.
- Why did the consultant refuse to play hide and seek? Because good luck hiding when the clock is ticking.
- How does a consultant break up with their partner? “It’s not you, it’s the billable hours.”
- Why are consultants like seagulls? They swoop in, make a lot of noise, and leave a big mess.
- What’s a consultant’s favorite type of shoe? Loafers. They’re perfect for loafing around at your expense.
- Why are consultants like cellphones? They always have poor reception when you need them most.
- What’s the difference between a consultant and a shark? One is a ruthless predator, the other is a fish.
- Why did the consultant go to the art museum? To tell the paintings they’re crooked.
- Why do consultants carry suitcases? To pack up their promises when the job’s done.
- Why do consultants always wear glasses? Because they can’t see a problem without them.
- Why are consultants like basketball players? They dribble before they shoot.
- How do consultants exercise? By jumping to conclusions.
- Why are consultants like onions? You peel off layer after layer and still find nothing.
- Why did the consultant go to the gym? To exercise his over-inflated ego.
- Why do consultants prefer convertible cars? So they can stick their heads out and inflate their billable hours.
- What’s the difference between a consultant and a savings account? One diminishes your money faster than you can count.
- Why are consultants like actors? They pretend to know their lines, but need constant direction.
- Why did the consultant become a gardener? He wanted to plant billable seeds.
- What’s a consultant’s favorite exercise? Running out the clock.
- Why are consultants like badgers? They dig deep holes and leave them for others to fill.
- Why did the consultant become a bartender? To mix his hourly rate into every cocktail.
- Why do consultants always carry a stopwatch? To time their generic advice.
- What’s the difference between a consultant and a stop sign? People pay attention to the stop sign.
- Why are consultants like leeches? They’re both attached to your business, sucking it dry.
- Why are consultants like compasses? They always point you in the direction that suits them best.
- Why did the consultant become a chef? To cook the books.
- What’s a consultant’s favorite sport? Baseball, because they can strike out and still get paid.
- Why are consultants like blenders? They make everything a mix-up and then pour it out for you to drink.
- Why do consultants always carry an umbrella? Because it’s raining fees.
- Why did the consultant get a ticketat the theater? They tried to charge for their critique.
- What do consultants and snowstorms have in common? You never know when they’re coming, how many inches you’ll get, or how long it will last.
- What do consultants and alarm clocks have in common? Both have an annoying habit of waking you up for reasons you’d rather ignore.
- Why are consultants like lottery tickets? You never win, but you keep paying anyway.
- Why did the consultant go to the orchestra? To tell the conductor his tempo is off.
- What’s a consultant’s favorite candy? PayDay.
- Why don’t consultants go to the beach? Sand isn’t billable.
- What do consultants and parrots have in common? They repeat what you say and then charge you for it.
- Why did the consultant go to a football match? To suggest a new strategy during halftime.
- Why did the consultant go on a diet? He was trying to cut unnecessary costs.
- Why are consultants like traffic lights? Most of the time, they’re red; when they’re green, you hope to get going; and when they’re yellow, they just confuse you.
- Why don’t consultants play poker? Because they can’t bluff their way out of a paper bag.
- Why did the consultant carry a calculator to dinner? To divide the check equally among everyone, including the waitstaff.
- Why did the consultant join the circus? Because his reports are already a juggling act.
- How do consultants sing lullabies? “Rock a bye baby on the treetop, we’ll bill you whether it works or not.”
- Why are consultants like actors? They pretend to be someone they’re not, and still get paid for it.
- Why do consultants love fishing? Because they can charge by the hook.
- What’s a consultant’s least favorite word? Free.
- What’s the difference between a consultant and a cat? One’s too expensive to maintain and ignores you most of the time, and the other is a pet.
- Why did the consultant become an archaeologist? He was good at digging up problems that didn’t exist.
- Why did the consultant bring a broom to the meeting? To sweep under the rug all the problems he couldn’t solve.
- Why did the consultant go to a farm? To charge the farmer for a consultation on how to get eggs from the chickens.
- Why are consultants like magicians? They make your money disappear.
- What do consultants and weathermen have in common? They both get paid whether their forecasts come true or not.
- Why did the consultant become a baker? He was good at cooking up half-baked ideas.
- Why are consultants like DJs? They just remix other people’s work and then charge you for it.
- Why did the consultant carry a scale? To weigh the balance of their overpriced advice.
- Why don’t consultants play chess? Because it’s the only game where you can’t bill for each move.
- Why did the consultant go to the shoe store? To tell them they’re not selling shoes correctly.
- Why do consultants always carry a map? They can’t find a solution without one.
- What’s a consultant’s favorite type of tree? The money tree.
- Why did the consultant join a band? Because his PowerPoint presentations were already a symphony of confusion.
- What’s the difference between a consultant and a rooster? A rooster can only ruin your morning, not your whole business.
- What’s a consultant’s favorite type of tea? Expensi-tea.
- Why did the consultant go to the mechanic? To give unsolicited advice on how to fix the engine.
- Why don’t consultants make good fishermen? Because they always throw out the big ones and keep the small ones for themselves.
- What do consultants and computer viruses have in common? You’re not sure what they do, but you know they cost a lot to remove.
- Why are consultants like used car salesmen? They both sell you things you don’t need at prices you can’t afford.
- Why do consultants make terrible gardeners? Because they always rake up the dirt and never clean up the mess.
- Why did the consultant go to a party? To network bills, not friends.
- What’s a consultant’s favorite drink? A tall glass of your company’s resources.
- What do consultants and soda cans have in common? They’re both empty from the neck up.
- Why did the consultant open a lemonade stand? To consult on how to squeeze the most out of your lemons.
- Why did the consultant go to the dentist? To tell him he’s not pulling teeth correctly.
- Why are consultants like auctioneers? They both talk fast and cost you a fortune.
- Why do consultants love breakfast? Because it’s the most billable meal of the day.
- Why did the consultant go to a concert? To tell the band how to play.
- Why did the consultant go to a factory? To charge the workers for improving their efficiency.
- Why did the consultant go to an electronics store? To sell them a new way to sell TVs.
- Why are consultants like teenagers? They think they know everything, but still have a lot to learn.
- What do consultants and photographers have in common? They both charge you for developing and framing.
- Why did the consultant go to the stock market? To advise on shares he doesn’t own.
- Why are consultants like a box of chocolates? They’re sweet on the outside, but mostly empty on the inside.
- Why do consultants love amusement parks? They can charge by the ride.
- Why did the consultant go to the car dealership? To consult on how to sell cars he’s never driven.
- Why did the consultant take up astronomy? To give advice about stars he’s never seen.
- Why did the consultant go to the grocery store? To rearrange the shelves in a more “efficient” way.
- Why did the consultant become a movie director? He was already good at directing without making any sense.
- Why did the consultant go to a restaurant? To tell the chef how to cook.
- What do consultants and zombies have in common? They both have an insatiable hunger for your resources.
- Why did the consultant go to the construction site? To tell them how to build a house he’s never built.
- Why did the consultant become a teacher? Because he was already good at grading without understanding the subject.
- What’s a consultant’s favorite dish? Pie in the sky.
- Why did the consultant go to the bank? To advise them on how to handle money he doesn’t have.
- Why did the consultant go to the airport? To give a lecture on flying to the pilots.
- Why are consultants like slot machines? Both make a lot of noise when you win, but leave you broke most of the time.
- Why do consultants make terrible lifeguards? They would charge you for saving your life.
- Why did the consultant go to the hospital? To tell the doctors how to heal.
- Why did the consultant join a gym? To tell everyone they’re lifting weights wrong.