possum jokes
What do you call a possum that plays dead at the slightest hint of danger?
A dramatic opossum.
What’s a possum’s favorite musical?
Possum of the Opera.
Why don’t possums use cell phones?
They’re afraid of the ring-tail tone.
Why was the possum at the bar?
He was there for the marsupial hour.
Why did the possum cross the road?
Because there was a car coming!
What do possums say at the dinner table? “Pass-um the potatoes!”
What did the marsupial say after the bad date? “That was possum-ly the worst night ever.”
What do possums call their mom? “Marsupi-mom.”
Why don’t possums wear shoes?
Because they prefer their natural possum-peds!
Why did the possum become a baker?
Because he kneaded a job.
What is a possum’s favorite game?
Hide and shriek.
Why are possums bad at poker?
Their faces always give away the hand they’re dead-ing.
Why did the possum join the gym?
To work on his possum-sterior.
What do possums order at coffee shops?
Pawsome latte.
Why did the possum go to therapy?
He couldn’t handle his possum-t traumatic stress disorder.
What’s a possum’s favorite type of music?
Marsupi-ale.
Why was the possum an excellent golfer?
He always played dead center.
What did the possum say to his girlfriend? “You’re o-possum-ly amazing!”
Why did the possum get an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
What do you call a possum who tells silly jokes?
A possum-edian.
What’s a possum’s favorite meal?
Grubs and kiss-es.
Why was the possum so grumpy in the morning?
He didn’t like being a-rouse-d from sleep.
How do possums do their laundry?
In a marsupi-load.
Why did the possum join the circus?
He was a natural at playing ‘possum.
What do you call a possum that’s a good listener?
An ear-supial.
How do possums talk?
They whisper in your ear-supial.
What do you call a possum that can play the piano?
Beetho-possum.
What’s a possum’s favorite day of the week?
Sun-hiss-day.
Why did the possum get a job in sales?
He had the perfect pitch… quiet and still.
Why don’t possums ever throw a surprise party?
They always play dead when it’s their turn to yell “surprise!”
How do possums solve their problems?
They sleep on it!
What’s a possum’s favorite drink?
A marsupi-ale.
Why was the possum so good at hide and seek?
Because he always plays dead instead of seeking.
What do you call a smart possum?
A wiz-supial.
What do possums like to read?
Tails of suspense.
How do possums greet each other? “How’s it hanging?”
What do you call a possum that sings?
A marsupi-alto.
Why do possums never lose at chess?
They always play possum when they’re in check.
Why did the possum go to the moon?
To prove he wasn’t just roadkill.
What do you call a possum that can dance?
A disco-possum.
How do possums prefer to travel?
By possum-van.
Why do possums never get lost?
Because they always find themselves in the end.
What’s a possum’s favorite movie? “Gone with the Wind… Under a Car.”
How do possums like their eggs?
Possum-bled.
What do possums wear to bed?
Their pajamasupials.
Why do possums hate math?
They have trouble playing ‘possum with numbers.
Why was the possum invited to the party?
He was a hit… unfortunately, it was by a car.
Why are possums so fit?
They hang out a lot.
Why did the possum get promoted?
He was always dead-on with his predictions.
What’s a possum’s favorite vegetable?
Sweet possum-tatoes.
Why don’t possums play soccer?
They’re afraid of becoming the ball.
Why did the possum break up with his girlfriend?
She was playing hard to get… literally.
How do possums spend their weekends?
By hanging out.
What’s a possum’s favorite exercise?
Dead lifts.
Why did the possum become a baseball player?
He liked playing in the bush leagues.
What do possums bring to a potluck?
Their ‘possum pie.
Why don’t possums play cricket?
They don’t like being hit for six.
Why did the possum become a politician?
He had a talent for playing possum.
What do possums call it when they fall in love?
An opossum-sible romance.
Why don’t possums play basketball?
They’re afraid of getting slam dunked.
What do possums say when they meditate?
Oooommm-possum.
Why was the possum always picked last in sports?
He always plays dead when it’s his turn.
Why did the possum become a detective?
He was good at tracking ‘scents.
What’s a possum’s favorite snack?
Pop-possum.
Why did the possum bring a map to the party?
He didn’t want to get caught in a dead-end conversation.
What do you call a possum who works in the city?
A metropossum-litan.
Why do possums make terrible secret agents?
They always blow their cover by playing dead.
Why do possums never get surprised?
They’re always expecting the worst.
What do possums like to play at parties?
Possum-ical chairs.
What’s a possum’s favorite weather?
Cloudy with a chance of roadkill.
Why do possums hate playing cards?
They’re always dealt a dead hand.
What do you call a possum that doesn’t work?
A possum-unist.
Why did the possum go to school?
He wanted to hit the books… not the windshield.
What’s a possum’s favorite dance move?
The possum-tango.
Why did the possum become a teacher?
He believed in playing possum… not dumb.
What do you call a possum with a top hat?
Dandy-possum.
Why was the possum good at improv?
He was a natural at playing deadpan.
Why do possums make terrible comedians?
Their jokes always fall dead.
How do possums fix their problems?
They just hang in there.
What’s a possum’s favorite breakfast?
Scrambled eggs and back-bacon.
Why don’t possums like fast food?
They prefer a slow death.
Why was the possum so good at track?
He always plays dead in the finish line.
Why did the possum go to art school?
He had a talent for still life paintings.
What do possums use to write?
Possum-able thumbs.
Why don’t possums use computers?
They keep hitting the dead key.
Why was the possum a good journalist?
He always got the scoop… off the road.
What’s a possum’s favorite math subject?
Geometry… it helps them avoid cars.
Why are possums bad at relationships?
They’re always playing the victim.
Why did the possum join a rock band?
He was great at playing dead metal.
What do you call a possum that does magic?
Hocus possum.
Why did the possum refuse to play chess?
He didn’t want to be a pawn in someone else’s game.
Why are possums bad at hide and seek?
They always play dead instead of seeking.
How do possums like their pizza?
With extra grubs.
Why did the possum get a job at the post office?
He was good at playing postal.
What’s a possum’s favorite book?
To Kill a Mockingbird… or a Car.
What do possums put in their coffee?
Cream and sugar-gliders.
What do possums use to keep their pants up?
A possum-belt.
What do possums wear to go swimming?
Their possum-suits.
Why don’t possums make good students?
They always play dead during exams.
What’s a possum’s favorite part of a joke?
The “punch-line” – just not from a car.
What do you call a possum that’s a good chef?
Gordon Ram-possum.
Why do possums never win at Monopoly?
They’re always playing bankrupt.
Why are possums great artists?
They specialize in still-life.
What do possums take to the beach?
Their sun-tail lotion.
Why did the possum go to a yoga class?
To work on his corpse pose.
How do possums get their kids to sleep?
They tell them bed-tail stories.
Why don’t possums like daylight savings time?
It confuses their play-dead schedule.
Why did the possum join the orchestra?
He was great at playing dead notes.
What do you call a possum that starts a business?
An entre-possum-neur.
Why do possums hate leap year?
It’s one extra day they could get hit by a car.
Why don’t possums play tag?
They’re always “it.”
Why was the possum a great actor?
He could play dead on cue.
How do possums react to danger?
They don’t… they just play dead.
What do possums do in their spare time?
Hang out.
What do possums call a narrow escape from a car?
A close shave… with death.
Why did the possum take a nap in the road?
He thought it was a safe space.
Why did the possum become a lifeguard?
He’s good at playing dead… then reviving.
How do possums ask each other out? “Want to hang out?”
Why was the possum a good gardener?
He was good at playing dead-heads.
What do possums do when they’re stressed?
Hang in there.
Why don’t possums make good secretaries?
They always play deadlines.
Why did the possum start a band?
He wanted to play dead beats.
Why don’t possums make good pets?
They always play dead when you want to play fetch.
What do you call a possum on a diet?
A slim-possum.
Why are possums great at meditation?
They’re experts at stillness.
What do possums use to brush their teeth?
A marsupi-al toothbrush.
Why are possums good at basketball?
They’re great at playing dead court.
What do possums eat for dessert?
Peach possum-pie.
Why don’t possums make good tennis players?
They always fake their faults.
What do you call a possum with a briefcase?
A pro-possum-tional.
What’s a possum’s favorite TV show? “Dead Man Walking.”
Why do possums make great philosophers?
They’re always pondering life and death.
Why did the possum become a poet?
He was great at writing death verses.
Why do possums make bad DJs?
They keep dropping dead beats.
How do possums eat their food?
Very carefully… if it’s roadkill.
Why did the possum get a job at the hospital?
He was great at playing dead… then alive.
Why don’t possums like hide and seek?
They always end up being the seeker.
Why are possums great at yoga?
They have mastered the corpse pose.
What’s a possum’s favorite board game?
Dead-opoly.
Why did the possum take a selfie?
He wanted to show off his hang-out.
Why do possums hate elevators?
They’re afraid of being squashed.
Why don’t possums make good detectives?
They always end up playing dead-ends.
How do possums keep their skin smooth?
With possum-cream.
What do possums put on their salad?
Marsu-pi-olive oil.
Why did the possum become a musician?
He loved playing dead notes.
Why don’t possums play video games?
They hate respawn points.
Why was the possum a terrible office worker?
He kept playing deadlines.
Why did the possum join the swim team?
He was great at playing dead in the water.
How do possums stay fit?
By hanging around.
And finally, why did the possum break up with his girlfriend?
She wouldn’t stop playing hard to get… dead.