133 bagpipe jokes
- Why did the bagpiper get kicked out of the bakery? Because he always took a piper’s dozen!
- What’s the difference between a bagpipe and a lawnmower? Lawnmowers sound better in small groups.
- Why do bagpipers always walk while they play? To get away from the noise.
- What do you call a bagpiper with perfect pitch? A lucky guesser.
- What’s the range of a bagpipe? About twenty yards if you have a good arm.
- How do you know a bagpiper is at your door? The knocking speeds up.
- What do you call a beautiful woman on a bagpiper’s arm? A tattoo.
- How can you tell a bagpiper with a bad sense of direction? He finds his way into a symphony orchestra.
- What do you call a bagpipe player without a girlfriend? Homeless.
- What’s the definition of a gentleman? Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn’t.
- Why do bagpipers always carry a pencil? So they can mark the mistakes in their music… which is every note.
- What’s a bagpiper’s favorite movie? “Gone with the Wind.”
- Why did the bagpiper refuse to play at the jungle party? Too many cheetahs.
- Why do bagpipers never play hide and seek? Because good luck hiding when you’re that loud.
- What’s the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead bagpiper in the road? There are skid marks before the snake.
- What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians? A bagpiper.
- How many bagpipers does it take to change a lightbulb? Five. One to handle the bulb, and four to contemplate how the old one was better.
- What’s the difference between a bagpipe and an onion? No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.
- What’s the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline? You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
- Why don’t bagpipers ever play “Hide and Seek”? Because even the slow kids can find them.
- How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune? Someone is blowing into it.
- What do you call a bagpiper with half a brain? Gifted.
- Why are bagpipe jokes so simple? So bagpipers can understand them.
- What’s the best way to tune a set of bagpipes? With wire cutters.
- What’s the difference between a bagpipe and a chainsaw? You can tune a chainsaw.
- Why did the bagpiper refuse to read music? Because he didn’t want to take his eyes off the bagpipes in case they disappeared.
- How do you get two bagpipes to play in unison? Shoot one.
- Why do bagpipers always look so tense? You’d be tense too if you knew you were making that sound.
- What do bagpipers use for birth control? Their personalities.
- Why did the bagpiper get arrested? For disturbing the peace.
- What’s the difference between a bagpiper and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
- What do you call a bagpipe that doesn’t make any noise? A miracle.
- Why do bagpipers wear kilts? The sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.
- Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning? They rarely strike the same spot twice.
- Why do some people like bagpipe music? Because it’s better than listening to their own thoughts.
- Why do bagpipers prefer to play outside? To compensate for their indoor performances.
- How can you tell if a bagpipe is still playing? The bagpiper’s cheeks are still moving.
- What do you call a cat that can play the bagpipes? A catastrophe.
- What’s the similarity between a bagpiper and a philosopher? They both inflate things unnecessarily.
- How do you describe a romantic bagpiper? He serenades the woman he loves with the sounds of a dying goose.
- Why did the bagpiper go to the doctor? He had a serious case of drone-itis.
- Why did the bagpiper fail his driving test? He couldn’t handle the wind pressure.
- What do you call a group of bagpipers in the ocean? Offshore drilling.
- Why did the bagpipe teacher get locked out of his classroom? He left the keys in his bagpipes.
- What’s the difference between a bagpiper and a jet engine? The engine stops whining when it lands.
- What’s the worst thing you can say to a bagpiper? “Can you play it again, but this time in tune?”
- Why do bagpipers wear plaid? To distract you from the noise.
- Why are bagpipers great for population control? You can’t reproduce if you’re covering your ears.
- Why do bagpipers make good soldiers? They can survive any amount of friendly fire.
- What’s the first thing a bagpiper says at work? “Would you like fries with that?”
- Why do bagpipers make terrible secret agents? They’re always blowing their cover.
- Why do bagpipers never get lost in the desert? Because all the camels run away from the noise.
- How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe? Add vibrato.
- Why did the bagpiper get kicked out of the library? You can’t blow your own horn in there.
- Why do bagpipers prefer woolen kilts? Because synthetic fibers melt at such high decibels.
- How do you make a bagpipe sound beautiful? Mute it.
- Why do bagpipers make good scapegoats? They’re always piping up at the wrong time.
- What do you call a bagpiper who plays in tune? An impostor.
- What’s the difference between a bagpiper and a baseball player? One runs before he catches, the other runs before he pitches.
- Why did the bagpiper get demoted? He couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket.
- Why did the bagpiper make a good gardener? His music kept all the pests away.
- Why did the bagpiper get kicked out of the pet shop? Because he asked for a “pitch-perfect” parrot.
- What’s the difference between a snake charmer and a bagpiper? One can charm snakes.
- How does a bagpiper spend his first week at band camp? On the first day, he doesn’t play the bagpipes. For the rest of the week, he pays for his mistake.
- What’s the most challenging thing about playing the bagpipes? Staying conscious.
- Why did the bagpiper refuse to play at the seafood festival? He didn’t want to deal with crabby audiences.
- What’s the difference between a bagpiper and Bigfoot? Some people have actually seen Bigfoot.
- Why did the bagpiper go to jail? He was charged with noise pollution.
- What’s the difference between a bagpipe and a vacuum cleaner? The position of the dirtbag.
- Why do bagpipers make poor mountain climbers? The sheep would mistake them for a mating call.
- How do you get a million dollars playing the bagpipes? Start with two million.
- What do you call a bagpiper in a three-piece suit? The defendant.
- How do you know if a bagpipe is playing flat? There’s less groaning from the audience.
- Why did the scarecrow become a bagpiper? Because he was outstanding in his field.
- Why don’t bagpipers make good fishermen? They always throw the pike back.
- Why did the bagpiper flunk out of music school? Too much piping up and not enough studying.
- What’s the difference between a bagpipe and a mosquito? One is a buzzing nuisance that sucks the life out of you, and the other is an insect.
- Why did the bagpiper become a baker? Because all his tunes were half-baked.
- What do you call a bagpiper at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
- What’s the difference between a bagpiper and a fox? One’s a noisy, cunning creature, and the other one’s a fox.
- Why did the bagpiper go to the psychiatrist? Because he had too many repressed reeds.
- What’s the difference between a bagpiper and a rooster? A rooster can cluck up some decent music.
- Why did the bagpiper break up with his girlfriend? Because she said he was full of hot air.
- What’s a bagpiper’s favorite type of math? Geometry, because of all the circles.
- Why did the bagpiper refuse to play at the concert? He didn’t want to blow it.
- Why did the bagpiper make a terrible detective? Because his leads were always full of hot air.
- What do you call a bagpiper who can play two notes at once? Talented.
- Why do bagpipers prefer playing in the park? So the trees can’t run away.
- What do you call a bagpiper without a kilt? A droner.
- Why did the bagpiper get a job at the circus? Because he already knew how to inflate the entertainment.
- What’s a bagpiper’s least favorite note? The dinner bill.
- What’s the similarity between a bagpiper and a politician? They both make a lot of noise but never say anything.
- What’s the difference between a bagpiper and a zookeeper? One can control the beasts.
- What do you call a bagpiper who only knows one song? A one-hit wonder.
- Why did the bagpiper get kicked out of the vegetable garden? Because he couldn’t “beet” in tune.
- Why did the bagpiper make a poor ventriloquist? Because you can always see his lips moving.
- Why did the bagpiper join the navy? He wanted to see if his music could sink ships.
- Why do bagpipers prefer playing at sunrise? Because even the sun seems to wince.
- What do you call a bagpiper who can’t play high notes? A lowlander.
- What’s the difference between a bagpiper and a mute? One doesn’t have to say anything to make you leave.
- Why do bagpipers wear kilts? Who has time for pants with all that tuning?
- How do you know if a bagpiper is at your party? All the wine glasses shatter.
- Why do bagpipers prefer playing in the cemetery? It’s the one place where the dead can’t complain.
- What’s the difference between a bagpipe and a cactus? With a cactus, all the pricks are on the outside.
- Why did the bagpiper go to the chiropractor? He had a bad case of the “drones.”
- What do you call a bagpiper in a sports car? An optimist.
- Why did the bagpiper fail his math test? He always thought pi was a tune.
- What’s the similarity between a bagpiper and a skydiver? Both create a stir when dropping.
- Why did the bagpiper go to the supermarket? He heard they had canned music.
- What’s the difference between a bagpiper and a train conductor? The conductor stops the train before he wrecks it.
- What do you call a bagpiper with a pager? An optimist.
- Why do bagpipers have a long lifespan? Because the grim reaper can’t stand their music.
- Why don’t bagpipers make good librarians? They always blow the dust off the books.
- Why did the bagpiper refuse to play at the vegetable market? He didn’t want to disturb the peas.
- Why did the bagpiper get kicked out of the fruit market? His music was making the bananas split.
- What’s the difference between a bagpiper and a tornado? One leaves a trail of destruction and noise in its path, and the other one’s a tornado.
- Why did the bagpiper cross the road? To escape the noise complaint.
- What’s the similarity between a bagpiper and a Scarecrow? Both are stuffed with straw and never fail to frighten the birds away.
- Why do bagpipers never play near windows? The glass might shatter.
- What do you call a bad bagpiper player? Redundant.
- Why did the bagpiper go broke? He spent all his money on wind insurance.
- Why did the bagpiper refuse to play at the silent retreat? He didn’t want to break the sound barrier.
- What do you call a group of bagpipers in the desert? Mirage.
- Why did the bagpiper refuse to play at the garlic festival? He didn’t want his music to stink.
- What’s the difference between a bagpiper and a peacock? One is a loud, colorful creature that enjoys showing off, the other one’s a bird.
- Why did the bagpiper refuse to play at the bee farm? He didn’t want to compete with all the buzz.
- What do you call a bagpiper who just broke up with his girlfriend? A solo artist.
- Why did the bagpiper refuse to play in the vineyard? He didn’t want his music to sour the grapes.
- What do you call a bagpiper who can play three songs? Overachiever.
- Why do bagpipers make terrible chefs? Because their music always curdles the cream.
- What’s the difference between a bagpiper and a scientist? One inflates bags for a living, the other one inflates egos.
- What’s the similarity between a bagpiper and a magician? Both can make people disappear.
- Why did the bagpiper refuse to play at the cheese factory? He didn’t want his music to be too cheesy.