143 skyrim jokes

Sure, I’ll do my best to craft some humor specifically catered to Skyrim fans.

Note that these will be more enjoyable if you’ve played the game and are familiar with its world and mechanics.

Here we go:

1. Why did the Dragonborn go to High Hrothgar? Because he heard they were “shouting” his name.
2. How does a Stormcloak break up with his girlfriend? He tells her “I used to love you, then I took an arrow in the heart”.
3. Why did the Khajiit become a trader? Because he couldn’t resist the opportunity to “purr-chase”.
4. Why was the Draugr at the party so popular? He really knew how to raise the dead.
5. Why do Argonians make bad secret agents? You can hear them hissing a mile away.
6. How does a bard ask his crush out in Skyrim? He asks, “Do you like to FUS RO Date?”
7. How did the adventurer get lost in Sovngarde? He couldn’t find the Cloud District.
8. Why did the Dragonborn get a job at the blacksmith? He wanted to make some “iron-clad” decisions.
9. Why don’t giants use the internet? They can’t handle the “web giants”.
10. How do mages in Skyrim stay in shape? They cast “calorie-burn” spells.
11. Why do Skyrim characters hate spring? They hate all the “Alduin”.
12. Why do thieves go to the Throat of the World? They want to “steal the show”.
13. Why do Khajiits like catnip? They say it makes them feel like they’re on Skooma.
14. Why do Nord warriors always carry a map? Because Skyrim belongs to the Nords.
15. Why did the Dragonborn go to college? He wanted to try “spell-ing”.
16. How do vampires in Skyrim get around? They use a “Volkihar” Volkswagen.
17. Why was the skeever in therapy? He had rodent issues.
18. Why do Orcs make terrible bards? They only know how to “orc-strate”.
19. What’s the Dragonborn’s favorite play? FUS RO Drama.
20. Why was the flame atronach a bad cook? Everything she touched was overcooked.
21. Why do the people in Whiterun hate rain? Because they can’t stand wet-runs.
22. Why are the Forsworn so good at tennis? They always have a Reach advantage.
23. How does a Nord greet his friend in Winterhold? “Icy you!”
24. What do you call a Nord who can’t swim? A Drown-guard.
25. Why are Daedra terrible at hiding? They always leave a Daedric trace.
26. What’s the name of the Dragonborn’s favorite restaurant? The “Unrelenting-Force-feast”.
27. How do you know if you’re in a bad Skyrim tavern? The bard keeps singing about “The Age of Aggression”.
28. Why did the guard go to the eye doctor? He couldn’t see any “arrows to the knee” coming.
29. Why did the Imperial Legion recruit the necromancer? They wanted someone who could “raise” morale.
30. Why do Nords always carry a sweater? Because Skyrim’s weather is “Frosty”.
31. Why did the Dragonborn get kicked out of the library? He shouted too much.
32. How do you know if you’re dating a Thalmor? They have “high” standards.
33. What do you call a Dunmer with a cold? A Dark Sneeze-er.
34. Why did the Dovahkiin join the Bards College? He had a voice that could move mountains.
35. Why was the troll sad at the party? He felt like he was being “regen-erated”.
36. Why are Dremora bad at school? They always get “Dae-dreadful” grades.
37. What does a Nord call his favorite drink? A “Skyrum”.
38. How do Dovahkiin children sleep? They use a shout to “Sleeper”.
39. Why did the Argonian join the Thieves Guild? He wanted to make some “scale-easy” money.
40. What’s a Werewolf’s favorite instrument in Skyrim? A Lute-can.
41. Why was the Spriggan giving free hugs? She just wanted to “branch out”.
42. Why did the Dragonborn stop drinking mead? He had too many “bad brew-ths”.
43. How do you call a dragon that tells tales? A “Drag-on” storyteller.
44. Why was the ghost adventurer a poor trader? He kept phasing out during negotiations.
45. Why did the Falmer get glasses? To see the “light”.
46. Why did the adventurer bring a torch to the cave? He wanted to “lighten” the mood.
47. Why did the Dovahkiin become a writer? He wanted to compose an “Epic”.
48. Why do mages avoid fighting in water? It ruins their “concentration”.
49. Why was the draugr deathlord sad? He felt “lifeless”.
50. Why don’t Skyrim guards play hide and seek? They always claim they used to be adventurers like you, until they took an arrow to the knee.
51. Why did the wizard go to the tavern? He wanted a “shot” of magic.
52. Why was the Slaughterfish upset? It was just having a “fish-ue”.
53. How do the Dwemer say goodbye? They say “Dwe-mer-see you later”.
54. Why was the spriggan happy in the forest? She felt like a “natural”.
55. Why did the Dragonborn become a miner? He had a knack for “digging” up trouble.
56. What do you call a Khajiit on a diet? A “Thin Khajiit”.
57. How did the Nord propose to his girlfriend? He said, “I am “shouting” my love for you”.
58. What do you call a Bosmer who’s good at telling jokes? A Wood Elf comedian.
59. Why did the Nord refuse to leave his house? Because there was “snow” place like home.
60. How did the Nord feel after slaying the dragon? Absolutely “Dovah-king”.
61. Why did the ice wraith break up with the flame atronach? They had a “fiery” relationship.
62. Why did the Dwarven sphere need to recharge? It ran out of “steam”.
63. What did the sabre cat say to the wolf? “You’re not “furry-ous” enough”.
64. Why did the College of Winterhold ban sweetrolls? Too many “rolls” led to “spell-ing” mistakes.
65. How does the Dragonborn like his tea? With a “shout” of sugar.
66. Why did the Nord become a fisherman? He was hooked on “Fus-Roe-Dah”.
67. What does the Dovahkiin wear to bed? Dragon-scale pajamas.
68. How does the Dragonborn pay his bills? He “shouts” them away.
69. Why don’t mages go to parties? They have “ice” to meet.
70. What did the Dragonborn say when he arrived late? “I took an arrow to my schedule”.
71. Why don’t the Falmer play cards? They always play their hand in the dark.
72. How do adventurers say goodbye in Skyrim? “May your road lead you to warm sands”.
73. What’s a mammoth’s favorite dance? The “Tusk Tango”.
74. Why do giants hate gossip? They can’t stand small talk.
75. What do you call a Dragonborn who is good at baking? A “Dough-vahkiin”.
76. What’s a Hagraven’s favorite soup? “Hagravy”.
77. Why was the Nord afraid of swimming? He didn’t want to “Nord-drown”.
78. What’s a draugr’s favorite drink? “Decom-posed” tea.
79. How do the Stormcloaks like their steak? With a “rebellion” of spices.
80. Why don’t Forsworn use toilet paper? They have Reach issues.
81. What does the Dragonborn say when he wins a debate? “Fus Ro Dah-mn I’m good”.
82. How do you know if a Khajiit is lying? His tail “twitches”.
83. Why did the Nord refuse the cocktail? He didn’t want to mix “potion-tions”.
84. What do you call a Stormcloak who can’t fight? An “Un-stormcloak”.
85. How do you find a missing Argonian? Follow the “hiss-tory”.
86. Why don’t Draugr use computers? They’re afraid of catching a “virus”.
87. What’s a dragon’s favorite day of the week? “Fus-Ro-Dah-y”.
88. What do you call a Dunmer who likes to fight? A “Dark Brawl-mer”.
89. Why was the Breton bad at archery? He kept “Bre-missing”.
90. Why did the Dovahkiin become a chef? He wanted to make “Unrelenting Fork” recipes.
91. How do Nords deal with tough meat? They “shout” it tender.
92. Why don’t bards use heavy armor? It hampers their “composition”.
93. Why was the Atronach a bad spy? He was “flaming” obvious.
94. Why did the Dovahkiin go to Solstheim? He wanted to “rock and scroll”.
95. What do you call a Nord who’s always late? A “Nord-o’clock”.
96. How does an Argonian ask for a beer? He “hiss-ks” for one.
97. Why don’t Nords like surprise parties? They prefer to see the “threat ahead”.
98. Why did the Dovahkiin become a gardener? He wanted to “cultivate” his shouts.
99. Why don’t Bretons have pets? They “Bre-ton” them too much.
100. What do you call a skinny Dovahkiin? A “Dova-thin”.
101. Why was the bard always losing his job? He had a “lyre” problem.
102. How does a Nord ask for coffee? He says, “Fus Ro Decaf”.
103. Why was the Stormcloak arrested? He was caught in a “stormcloak and dagger” operation.
104. How does an Altmer ask for a raise? He says, “I demand a high-elf salary”.
105. Why did the vampire refuse to join the Dawnguard? He couldn’t stand the “daylight”.
106. What’s a dragon’s favorite clothing brand? “Alduin Klein”.
107. Why was the Dovahkiin terrible at poker? He had a “tell-shout”.
108. Why did the bard break his lute? He got caught in the “strum-fire”.
109. Why don’t Nords make good comedians? Their jokes always “Nord-fall” flat.
110. What do you call a Nord who’s good at math? A “Nerd”.
111. What does the Dragonborn say before a race? “Fus Ro Dash”.
112. Why don’t Argonians make good guards? They can’t “scale” walls.
113. Why was the mage afraid of conjuring Dremora? He had a fear of “commitment”.
114. Why don’t dragons play chess? They always “rook” their turn.
115. Why was the Dovahkiin good at chemistry? He had a strong “element”.
116. What do you call an orc who can’t fight? An “Orc-ward”.
117. Why was the adventurer afraid of opening his map? He didn’t want to “lose his place”.
118. Why do Nords make good detectives? They always “Nord-tice” everything.
119. Why did the Dovahkiin get kicked out of the inn? He couldn’t stop “shouting”.
120. Why don’t Daedra like jokes? They have a “daedric” sense of humor.
121. Why don’t Falmer use sunscreen? They prefer the “dark”.
122. Why did the Bosmer refuse the salad? It was against the “Green Pact”.
123. How does an Argonian make an appointment? He “hiss-chedules” it.
124. What do you call a Nord who always misplaces his sword? A “Nord-Getful”.
125. Why was the Redguard bad at fencing? He could never “Red-guard” properly.
126. Why don’t Khajiits use clocks? They prefer “Khaji-timing”.
127. How does a Nord call his friends? He gives them a “shout”.
128. Why don’t vampires like camping? They hate “stakes”.
129. What did the Dragonborn say when he stubbed his toe? “Fus Ro D’oh!”
130. Why don’t Nords use perfume? They prefer their own “Nord-der”.
131. What’s a Dwemer’s favorite type of music? “Heavy metal”.
132. Why don’t dragons like fast food? They prefer their meals “Alduin”.
133. How does an Altmer apologize? He says, “I’m Altmer-y sorry”.
134. Why did the Dovahkiin start a bakery? He wanted to “roll” in dough.
135. Why did the Argonian refuse the job at the mill? He was afraid of “grinding his scales”.
136. What do you call a Nord who’s bad at lying? A “Nord-Guile”.
137. Why did the Dragonborn become a fisherman? He wanted to “Fus Ro Dock”.
138. Why was the Draugr poor at gardening? He kept “unearthing” things.
139. Why don’t skeletons like to fight? They have a “bone to pick”.
140. What’s an Argonian’s favorite board game? “Hiss-and Ladders”.
141. Why was the Dovahkiin bad at hide and seek? His “shout” always gave him away.
142. Why did the dragon refuse to eat the Dovahkiin? He was afraid of “biting off more than he could chew”.
143. What do you call a Nord who likes to read? A “Nord-geek”.