150 instrument jokes
- Why don’t pianos like to go to school? Because they’re afraid of the organ-ization!
- What did the trombone say to the trumpet? “Don’t blow your own horn!”
- Why was the guitar teacher arrested? For fingering a minor.
- How do you fix a broken brass instrument? With a tuba glue!
- Why did the piano break up with the metronome? Because it kept trying to control its tempo!
- Why are drummers always losing their keys? They’re always dropping the beat!
- What’s the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline? You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
- What’s the range of a tuba? About twenty yards, if you’ve got a good arm.
- What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm? A tattoo.
- How does a violist’s brain cell die? Alone.
- Why do bagpipers walk when they play? To get away from the noise.
- What’s the definition of a minor second? Two flutists playing in unison.
- What’s the best thing to play on a stand-up bass? Solitaire.
- Why was the accordion invented? So the bagpipe wouldn’t feel lonely.
- What’s the difference between a chainsaw and a viola? A chainsaw has more dynamic range.
- How do you get a clarinet to sound like a saxophone? Sit in the back and don’t play.
- What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? Homeless.
- Why don’t violins play hide and seek? Because good luck hiding when you’re always being picked up.
- Why do conductors have a baton? To keep the violinists from stabbing each other.
- Why don’t pianists like to play cards? Too many suits and keys.
- What’s a cello’s favorite food? Bow-tie pasta.
- What do you call a drummer who broke his drumstick? A conductor.
- What did the drummer name his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two.
- What’s the similarity between a banjo and an onion? Nobody cries when you cut up a banjo.
- What do you call a guitarist who only knows two chords? A music critic.
- What do you get if you cross a piano and a fish? A piano-tuna!
- Why did the guitarist go to jail? He was caught fingering A minor.
- How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb? Nobody knows. No one ever looks at the conductor.
- What’s an oboe good for? Kindling for a bassoon fire.
- What’s the difference between a viola and a coffin? The coffin has the dead person on the inside.
- Why are harmonicas like pirates? They both murder on the high Cs.
- What do you call a musician with a college degree? Night manager at McDonald’s.
- How do you get two piccolo players to play in perfect unison? Shoot one.
- What did the saxophone say to the trumpet? “I’ve got a bone to pick with you!”
- What’s the difference between a banjo and a chainsaw? You can tune a chainsaw.
- Why was the piano invented? So the musician would have a place to put his beer.
- Why was the piano on medication? It kept losing its keys.
- What’s a bassoon’s favorite exercise? The long run.
- Why don’t oboists ever play hide and seek? Good luck hiding when you’re always reed-ing.
- What’s the best way to confuse a drummer? Put a sheet of music in front of him.
- Why was the guitar a great musician? It always strung along with the music.
- How do you make a cello sound beautiful? Sell it and buy a violin.
- What’s the difference between an oboe and a bassoon? You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon.
- What’s the definition of a quarter tone? A harpist tuning their strings.
- Why was the xylophone always broke? It kept hitting rock bottom.
- Why don’t you ever want to loan money to a ukulele player? They’re always fretting about something.
- Why was the synthesizer so good at making friends? It was very good at breaking the ice.
- How do you get a guitar to stop buzzing? You swap it for a bee.
- Why was the bass player thrown out of school? He couldn’t handle his scales.
- What do you call a trombonist with a pager? An optimist.
- How do you improve the aerodynamics of a drummer’s car? Take the pizza delivery sign off the roof.
- What do you call a pianist who plays by ear? Anything you like. He can’t hear you.
- What’s the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish? You can’t tuna fish.
- What’s the difference between a trumpet player and the rear end of a horse? I don’t know either.
- Why did the violin go to therapy? It had too many strings attached.
- What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool.
- Why did the musician bring a ladder to the bar? He wanted to reach the high notes.
- Why don’t pianos ever get locked out? Because their keys are always with them.
- What do you call a fish that plays the piano? A piano-tuna!
- What do you get if you drop a piano down a mineshaft? A flat minor.
- What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend? Homeless.
- What do you get when you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician? A Yam Session.
- Why don’t clarinets ever marry? They’ve got too many reeds and squeaks.
- Why was the bass player a bad roommate? He was always dropping the bass.
- How do you get a guitar player off your porch? Pay for the pizza.
- How do you put a sparkle in a soprano’s eye? Shine a flashlight in her ear.
- Why was the accordion player a good boxer? His left hand always knew what his right hand was doing.
- What’s the definition of perfect pitch? When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
- Why was the keyboard always happy? Because it was always in touch with its feelings.
- Why did the music theory teacher get arrested? He touched a minor chord.
- What’s the difference between a drummer and a savings bond? One will mature and make money.
- What did the timpani say to the drum? “You’re just a big fathead.”
- What do you call a guitar that never finishes a job? A quitar.
- What’s the definition of an optimist? A choral director with a mortgage.
- Why are singers like a broken record? They always repeat the same notes over and over again.
- Why don’t you find pianos in the jungle? They’re afraid of the keys.
- What do youcall a dog that can play the piano? A melo-dean!
- What’s the difference between a violinist and a dog? The dog knows when to stop scratching.
- What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend? Homeless.
- What did the piano say to the door? “Don’t slam me. I’m not a piano!”
- What do you call a trombone player with a cell phone? An optimist.
- Why do flutes never lose at poker? Because they always have a good hand.
- Why was the musician arrested? He got in treble.
- Why don’t keyboard players ever catch a cold? They always have a good touch.
- Why was the cello a great investment? It had lots of strings attached.
- How do you fix a broken trumpet? With a trumpet patch.
- Why was the music note arrested? It was A minor.
- What’s a percussionist’s favorite spice? Cymbal.
- How can you tell if a stage is level? The drool comes out both sides of the drummer’s mouth.
- Why was the piano on a diet? It had too many heavy keys.
- How do you make a double bass sound in tune? Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.
- Why did the drummer take up gardening? Because he knew the drill.
- What do you call a guitar that wants to become a violin? A picky string instrument.
- Why are orchestra jokes always in treble? Because they never fall flat!
- What did the musical chord say to the tightrope walker? “Don’t fret!”
- Why don’t pianists play football? Because they’re afraid of breaking their pianists’ fingers.
- What do you call a cow that plays a musical instrument? A moosician.
- Why did the singer climb a ladder? To reach the high notes.
- What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire? Frostbite.
- Why did the violinist go broke? Because he always played second fiddle.
- How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door? The knock always slows down.
- What’s the best way to play a dulcimer? With a hammer.
- What did the electric guitar say to the amplifier? “Are you amped to see me?”
- What’s a ghost’s favorite instrument? The spookulele!
- Why did the metronome go to therapy? It couldn’t find its tempo.
- Why did the trombone get kicked out of the band? It was always sliding into the wrong notes.
- Why do clarinet players always carry a pencil? Because they can’t draw a straight reed.
- What do you call a laughing piano? A Yamahahaha.
- How do you get a million dollars as a musician? Start with two million.
- What’s the difference between a bull and an orchestra? The bull has the horns in the front and the a**hole in the back.
- Why did the ukulele go to therapy? It had a fretful breakdown.
- Why was the xylophone jealous of the marimba? It had a bigger range.
- Why did the music note go to school? To improve its compositions.
- What’s the difference between an opera singer and a pit bull? Lipstick.
- What did the flutist say to the guitar player? “You’re strumthing special.”
- Why did the string quartet go to the bar? To get some good “bar-tok.”
- Why don’t singers ever catch a cold? They always dodge the draft.
- How do you turn a duck into a soul artist? Put it in the oven until its Bill Withers.
- What’s the definition of a cluster chord? A piano getting dropped down a mine shaft.
- Why did the trombone player refuse to play? He thought it was all just a bunch of brass.
- What do you get when you drop a piano on a military base? A flat major.
- What did the musician say to the tightrope walker? “You’ve got some nerve!”
- Why did the harmonica break up with the accordion? It said, “I’m tired of your squeezing.”
- Why was the guitar a good secret keeper? It never frets out loud.
- Why did the music book go to school? To get its composition right.
- Why was the musician a bad carpenter? He was always sharp or flat.
- What do you call a snowman who can play the violin? A “Fiddler on the Roof.”
- How do you get a guitarist to play softer? Give him some sheet music.
- What do you call a cat who can play the guitar? A mewsician!
- Why did the trumpet go to jail? Because he was in treble.
- What did the musician say when he lost his job? “I’m in a lot of treble now!”
- Why don’t violins use smartphones? Too many unwanted violins.
- What’s the difference between a cello and a lawsuit? Everyone is happy when the case is closed on a cello.
- Why did the drum kit go to university? To get a degree in percussion.
- Why did the cymbal break up with the drumstick? It was tired of being hit on.
- What did the momma say to the baby bass? “Don’t fret!”
- Why did the violin bow apologize? It was sorry for the “stringing” along.
- Why did the guitar get locked up? It was caught stealing licks.
- What did the bongo say to the conga? “You’ve got great rhythm, but can you walk the talk?”
- Why did the xylophone file a police report? He felt played.
- What’s the difference between a fish and a piano? You can’t tuna fish.
- Why don’t oboes get invited to parties? They’re too “reed”iculous.
- How many country singers does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to change the bulb and one to sing about the old one.
- What’s a ghost’s favorite instrument? The tromBONE.
- What’s a musical cat’s favorite instrument? A pia”no.”
- Why was the singer always in trouble? He never knew when to hold his tongue.
- Why did the trumpet player lose his job? He blew it.
- What’s the definition of a minor second? Two conductors trying to beat time together.
- Why did the musical note break up with the rest? It needed a rest.
- Why did the violinist get kicked out of the band? He was always stringing them along.