100 did you hear about the jokes

  1. Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
  2. Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu: you get what you deserve.
  3. Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.
  4. Did you hear about the thief who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.
  5. Did you hear about the scientist who tried to create a mini-sun? He wasn’t very bright.
  6. Did you hear about the man who stole a map? He wanted to take a different route in life.
  7. Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in-tents.
  8. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.
  9. Did you hear about the scarecrow that won an award? He was outstanding in his field.
  10. Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum? He got stuck in Orbit.
  11. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
  12. Did you hear about the cannibal who showed up late to dinner? They gave him the cold shoulder.
  13. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.
  14. Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? He made a mint.
  15. Did you hear about the lightbulb party? It was quite illuminating.
  16. Did you hear about the submarine industry? It really went under.
  17. Did you hear about the guy who lost his left side? He’s all right now.
  18. Did you hear about the invisible man who married the invisible woman? Their kids were nothing to look at either.
  19. Did you hear about the musician who played in the jungle? He had a lot of animal drum-sticks.
  20. Did you hear about the snowman who had a temper tantrum? He had a meltdown.
  21. Did you hear about the golfer who got an eagle, a birdie, a bogey and a par on the same hole? He had a wild imagination.
  22. Did you hear about the guy who forgot to pay his exorcist? He got repossessed.
  23. Did you hear about the man who swallowed his phone? He had a lot of ringing in his stomach.
  24. Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn? She had mittens.
  25. Did you hear about the computer who fell over? It had a bad hard drive.
  26. Did you hear about the dog who could play piano? He was Bach-ing up the wrong tree.
  27. Did you hear about the pencil with no point? It was pointless.
  28. Did you hear about the window that got into a fight? It ended up getting smashed.
  29. Did you hear about the time traveler who was always hungry? He had gone back four seconds.
  30. Did you hear about the fortune teller who went out of business? She didn’t see it coming.
  31. Did you hear about the kidnapping at the park? They woke up.
  32. Did you hear about the bicycle that couldn’t stand up? It was two tired.
  33. Did you hear about the guy who invented the doorknocker? He won the No-bell prize.
  34. Did you hear about the campers who were excellent at playing hide-and-seek? They always pitched in the right place.
  35. Did you hear about the vegetable that fixes everything? It’s a repairagus.
  36. Did you hear about the plant that went to school? It wanted to grow its knowledge.
  37. Did you hear about the sun who went to school? It became a bright student.
  38. Did you hear about the flower that drove a car? It had petal to the metal.
  39. Did you hear about the mountain that got sick? It peaked.
  40. Did you hear about the wind that did stand-up comedy? It was blowing everyone away.
  41. Did you hear about the waves who robbed a bank? They had a swell getaway.
  42. Did you hear about the grape that stopped in the middle of a race? It ran out of juice.
  43. Did you hear about the loaf of bread that broke up with its girlfriend? She said he was too kneady.
  44. Did you hear about the paper that got into a fight? He ended up in reams.
  45. Did you hear about the electrician who was shocked when he got a bill? He was completely charged.
  46. Did you hear about the comedian who told jokes while he was asleep? He was dreaming of a stand-up career.
  47. Did you hear about the lumberjack who couldn’t cut it? He got the axe.
  48. Did you hear about the elephant that didn’t matter? He was irrelephant.
  49. Did you hear about the man who ate clocks? He said it was time-consuming.
  50. Did you hear about the two antennas that got married? The wedding was boring, but the reception was excellent.
  51. Did you hear about the fish that went bankrupt? He found himself in deep water.
  52. Did you hear about the tennis player who got arrested? He couldn’t get over his faults.
  53. Did you hear about the runner who always won at poker? He knew when to run.
  54. Did you hear about the pencil thief? He had a sketchy past.
  55. Did you hear about the needle that got lost in the haystack? It was finding it hard to cope.
  56. Did you hear about the computer that went for a run? It had too many bytes.
  57. Did you hear about the cake that was really good at math? It was a Pi.
  58. Did you hear about the beach that went to a party? It had a sand-sational time.
  59. Did you hear about the book about teleportation? It’s bound to get you somewhere.
  60. Did you hear about the banker who lost his job? He lost interest.
  61. Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a duck? He became a duck-filled fatty puss.
  62. Did you hear about the pig who started a house cleaning service? He was a real squeal deal.
  63. Did you hear about the bee who started a dating service? It became a real buzz.
  64. Did you hear about the cat who could play the guitar? He was a real rockstar.
  65. Did you hear about the pastry chef who became a gardener? He planted flour.
  66. Did you hear about the hairbrush that could sing? It always went straight to the root.
  67. Did you hear about the atom that broke up with his girlfriend? He said she was too negative.
  68. Did you hear about the magician who got mad? He pulled his hare out.
  69. Did you hear about the bird who got arrested? He got caught in a tweet.
  70. Did you hear about the cloud who got a promotion? He was now a rainmaker.
  71. Did you hear about the spider that got a job in a web company? He was a natural at coding.
  72. Did you hear about the ghost who became a politician? He was transparent about his intentions.
  73. Did you hear about the snowball that became a detective? He was good at breaking the ice.
  74. Did you hear about the snake that worked in a gift wrap store? He had a gift for coiling ribbons.
  75. Did you hear about the pen that got a job in a radio station? It was good at broadcasting its points.
  76. Did you hear about the mushroom who was a DJ? He kept the party sporing.
  77. Did you hear about the grape who didn’t wanna get into a fight? He didn’t want to get in a jam.
  78. Did you hear about the dolphin who became a stand-up comedian? He was flipping funny.
  79. Did you hear about the bear who started a printing business? He was making a good impression.
  80. Did you hear about the robot who became a chef? He had the perfect recipe for success.
  81. Did you hear about the snowman who went to a dance party? He was a real ice breaker.
  82. Did you hear about the pumpkin who won an award? It was gourdgeous.
  83. Did you hear about the orange who got a job at a juice bar? He got squeezed into it.
  84. Did you hear about the cow who became an astronaut? She wanted to see the Milky Way.
  85. Did you hear about the donut who ran for mayor? He promised a hole lot.
  86. Did you hear about the computer who sang at a concert? He had a hard drive for music.
  87. Did you hear about the shoe that became a detective? He always followed the footprints.
  88. Did you hear about the watch who went to school? It wanted to learn about time management.
  89. Did you hear about the baseball that went to university? He wanted to get a degree in physics.
  90. Did you hear about the worm who was a bookworm? He ate through all the pages.
  91. Did you hear about the carrot who became a jeweler? He had an eye for carrots.
  92. Did you hear about the coffee that went to the police? It got mugged.
  93. Did you hear about the wheel that won an award? It was outstanding in its field.
  94. Did you hear about the river that was always negative? It couldn’t change its current.
  95. Did you hear about the pickle who became a singer? He was a big dill in the music industry.
  96. Did you hear about the fence who got a promotion? He was off the rails.
  97. Did you hear about the banana peel who became a comedian? He always knew how to make people slip into laughter.
  98. Did you hear about the hen who could play chess? She was a real egghead.
  99. Did you hear about the wolf who became a secret agent? He was known for his stealth and howl.
  100. Did you hear about the envelope who went to jail? He was pushing the envelope.

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