150 chuck norris jokes

  1. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
  2. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
  3. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
  4. Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
  5. When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he doesn’t push himself up. He pushes the Earth down.
  6. Chuck Norris doesn’t need to use the Force. The Force uses Chuck Norris.
  7. If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be Chucktober, and every day he’d kick your ass.
  8. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
  9. There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned up the sun.
  10. Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter.
  11. Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
  12. When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
  13. Some magicians can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim through land.
  14. Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
  15. Chuck Norris can watch the radio.
  16. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
  17. When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
  18. Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience.
  19. Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
  20. When Chuck Norris was born, the only one who cried was the doctor. No one slaps Chuck Norris.
  21. Chuck Norris doesn’t call the wrong number. You answer the wrong phone.
  22. Chuck Norris doesn’t dial the wrong number, you pick up the wrong phone.
  23. Chuck Norris knows Victoria’s secret.
  24. Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
  25. Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
  26. Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano.
  27. Ghosts sit around the campfire and tell Chuck Norris stories.
  28. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
  29. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
  30. When the boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
  31. Chuck Norris can make onions cry.
  32. Chuck Norris can make a happy meal cry.
  33. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
  34. Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
  35. Chuck Norris doesn’t climb trees. He just pulls them down and walks on top of them.
  36. When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
  37. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
  38. Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade you’ve ever tasted.
  39. Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
  40. In an average living room, there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
  41. When Chuck Norris was born, he drove his mom home from the hospital.
  42. Chuck Norris once got bit by a rattlesnake… After three days of pain and agony, the rattlesnake died.
  43. When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror, the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
  44. Chuck Norris can light a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.
  45. Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
  46. Chuck Norris doesn’t flush the toilet, he scares the sh*t out of it.
  47. Chuck Norris can play the saxophone… with a trombone.
  48. When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, the boomerang does not return because it is scared to come back.
  49. Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
  50. Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as Giraffes.
  51. Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can’t lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, because Chuck Norris can do anything.
  52. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
  53. Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
  54. When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.
  55. Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
  56. Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
  57. Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay’s potato chip.
  58. Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
  59. When Batman needs help, he turns on the Chuck Norris signal.
  60. Chuck Norris doesn’t turn on his faucet, he stares at it until it cries.
  61. When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn’t suck his mother’s breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.
  62. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s actually lifting the Earth.
  63. Chuck Norris can kiss his own elbow.
  64. Chuck Norris once went to Mars. That’s why there are no signs of life there.
  65. Chuck Norris doesn’t wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
  66. Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
  67. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
  68. Chuck Norris can speak Braille.
  69. Chuck Norris can do all the voices for a ventriloquist act… at the same time.
  70. Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.
  71. Chuck Norris can play Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and win.
  72. Chuck Norris can win a game of chess in one move.
  73. Chuck Norris never gets a brain freeze. His brain is too warm and powerful for that.
  74. Chuck Norris doesn’t step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.
  75. When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he already had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.
  76. There is no ‘ctrl’ button on Chuck Norris’s computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
  77. Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
  78. Chuck Norris can eat soup with a fork.
  79. Chuck Norris can play the guitar with a ukulele.
  80. The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.
  81. Chuck Norris doesn’t predict the future. He decides it.
  82. Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
  83. Chuck Norris doesn’t use Google. Google uses Chuck Norris.
  84. Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
  85. Chuck Norris can hit you so hard, your blood will bleed.
  86. When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
  87. Chuck Norris doesn’t need to mow his lawn. He stares at it, and dares it to grow.
  88. When Google can’t find something, it asks Chuck Norris for help.
  89. Chuck Norris is the only man who can fight himself and win.
  90. Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people, then it exploded.
  91. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
  92. Chuck Norris doesn’t actually write books. The words assemble themselves out of fear.
  93. Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
  94. When Chuck Norris stares at the Sun, the Sun goes blind.
  95. Chuck Norris doesn’t age. He levels up.
  96. Chuck Norris can delete your Facebook profile with a Myspace account.
  97. Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
  98. The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
  99. When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
  100. Chuck Norris can do a handstand with his feet.
  101. Chuck Norris can play the piano… with a guitar.
  102. Chuck Norris can catch Pokemon without a Pokeball.
  103. If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
  104. Chuck Norris doesn’t play “hide-and-seek.” He plays “hide-and-pray-I-don’t-find-you.”
  105. Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a banana.
  106. Chuck Norris can hold Pangea together.
  107. Chuck Norris doesn’t need a compass to tell which way is north because wherever Chuck Norris is facing is the absolute direction of up.
  108. Chuck Norris can taste lies.
  109. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
  110. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it’s beef.
  111. Chuck Norris made a Happy Meal cry.
  112. Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
  113. Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
  114. Chuck Norris can run a marathon in place.
  115. Chuck Norris can win a staring contest while blinking.
  116. Chuck Norris can drown a fish in a desert.
  117. Chuck Norris does not wear a condom because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
  118. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
  119. Chuck Norris can speak Morse code… in Latin.
  120. When God said, “Let there be light!” Chuck said, “Say please.”
  121. Chuck Norris once made a weeping willow laugh.
  122. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
  123. Chuck Norris can hear silence.
  124. Chuck Norris can bake in a Freezer.
  125. Chuck Norris can freeze fire.
  126. If you see Chuck Norris crying he will grant you a wish, if your wish is dying.
  127. Chuck Norris can microwave a microwave oven.
  128. Chuck Norris can put out fire with gasoline.
  129. Chuck Norris can take a screen shot of his blue screen.
  130. Chuck Norris once caught the COVID-19 virus, the virus had to quarantine for 14 days.
  131. Chuck Norris’s cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
  132. When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
  133. Chuck Norris can sit at the corner of a round table.
  134. Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
  135. Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay’s potato chip.
  136. Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, air hides in his lungs for protection.
  137. The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
  138. Chuck Norris doesn’t have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.
  139. When Chuck Norris was born, he drove his mom home from the hospital.
  140. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
  141. Chuck Norris can hear silence.
  142. Chuck Norris can see his own eyes.
  143. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
  144. Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
  145. Chuck Norris can sit in the corner of a round room.
  146. Chuck Norris can read all 1,225 pages of “War and Peace” in 43 seconds.
  147. Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a banana.
  148. Chuck Norris can charge a cell phone by rubbing it against his beard.
  149. Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 58 seconds.
  150. Chuck Norris once got bit by a rattle snake… After three days of pain and agony, the rattle snake died.

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