146 harry potter jokes
- Why don’t Quidditch players get caught in traffic? Because they always have a clear “flyway.”
- Why don’t Muggles make good Quidditch players? They’re always afraid of the “broom” vroom.
- Why did Malfoy never play hide and seek? No one ever wanted to find him.
- Why was Nearly Headless Nick at the fashion show? He was always going for the “off the neck” look.
- Why was Professor McGonagall good at baseball? She knew how to transfigure a “bat.”
- Why did Harry become a baker? He was really good at “beating” the dough.
- How does Voldemort keep his skin so smooth? Death Eater brand moisturizer.
- Why did Ron take Pigwidgeon to therapy? He had an “owl-identity” crisis.
- How do Death Eaters freshen their breath? With Dementos.
- What’s a wizard’s favorite drink? Expresso Patronum.
- Why did Voldemort cross the road? No nose how.
- Why did the Dementor apply for a job at the chocolate factory? He heard it had great “Kisses.”
- Why did Hermione start a gardening club? She wanted everyone to “grow” their knowledge.
- Why did Hagrid never get lost? He always kept his Fangs in check.
- Why did the Hogwarts letter never win an Oscar? It’s always seen as “the envelope.”
- How do Hogwarts students keep their hair smooth? With Hermione’s “Frizz-ease.”
- Why do wizards make terrible secretaries? They always “spell” things wrong.
- Why did Professor Snape stand in the middle of the road? So you wouldn’t know which side he’s on.
- Why did the Weasley twins shop at joke stores? They were always up to “mischief.”
- What do you call a wizard who tells jokes? A “Ha-Ha-Harry.”
- Why did Harry get sent to the principal’s office? For “Pottering” around too much.
- What’s the difference between a wizard’s hat and a soda can? One’s a head case, the other’s a canned fizz.
- Why did the Golden Snitch get in trouble? It had a “catchy” attitude.
- What do you call a wizard who can play the guitar? A “string-king.”
- Why did Hogwarts start a recycling program? They didn’t want to be caught “wasting” magic.
- What do you call an elephant that can do magic? An Ele-mentalist.
- Why did Snape go to culinary school? He heard they were teaching “Potter-ing.”
- How do Death Eaters unlock doors? They “Slyther-in.”
- Why did the Marauder’s Map flunk Geography? It couldn’t keep itself “un-folded.”
- Why did the Hogwarts library books go on strike? They were tired of being “checked-out.”
- What’s Harry’s favorite way of getting down a hill? Walking…J.K. Rowling.
- What’s the most musical part of a snake? The scales.
- What do you call a Hufflepuff with two brain cells? Gifted.
- Why was Voldemort bad at playing cards? He always had a Horcrux up his sleeve.
- Why was Dumbledore a great musician? He always had the “Elder Wand.”
- Why was Mad Eye Moody such a good gardener? He had a magical “eye” for detail.
- What’s Dobby’s favorite game? “Socks and Ladders.”
- Why did Hogwarts stop serving fast food? Because it was making the owls “Fast-er.”
- How do Hogwarts students post secrets? They “whisper” with quills.
- What do you call a bird that’s afraid of flying? A “Chicken” Phoenix.
- Why don’t wizards need computers? They have “spell-check.”
- How does Harry like his coffee? Like his magic, dark and strong.
- What’s a wizard’s favorite makeup product? The “Magic” Mascara.
- Why do Hogwarts students always have clean desks? Because of the “Scourgify” spell.
- What do you call a Quidditch player with no broom? Grounded.
- Why are Ravenclaws great at puzzles? They always have the “pieces” in mind.
- What do wizards use when they’re out of ink? The “Ink-vanish” spell.
- Why did Harry start a newspaper? He wanted to be in the “Dumble-daily.”
- Why did the Leaky Cauldron never spill a drop? It was a “pub-lic” secret.
- How do Hogwarts students mend broken glasses? With “Reparo.”
- Why did Harry Potter go to jail? Because he was caught “flying” under the influence.
- How do the Weasleys make their garden glow? With a “Lumos” spell.
- Why did Ron become a musician? Because he’s good at “Weasley-ing” out tunes.
- Why don’t wizards use microwaves? They prefer “potter-ing” around the stove.
- Why don’t Death Eaters use combs? They always mess up their “hair-raising” looks.
- What’s a wizard’s favorite place at the beach? The “Sandy-witch” spot.
- Why do Hogwarts students hate arithmetic? Because it makes their “numbers” numb.
- Why did Harry go to therapy? For his “Parseltongue-tied” problems.
- Why did Hagrid never lose a fight? He always played “giant” games.
- Why did the Slytherin team lose the Quidditch match? They couldn’t “catch” a break.
- Why don’t witches wear flat hats? They don’t like “brim” jobs.
- Why don’t wizards use calendars? They prefer “Time-Turners.”
- What’s a wizard’s favorite car? The “Flying” Ford Anglia.
- Why did Hermione quit playing chess? She was tired of being a “pawn.”
- Why don’t wizards play soccer? They always end up “broom-ing” the ball.
- Why was Nearly Headless Nick bad at poker? You could always see through his “bluffs.”
- How did Harry fix his window? With a “glass repair” spell.
- Why did Harry go to art school? He wanted to draw his “wand-erings.”
- Why do wizards hate rainy days? It’s too wet to “spell.”
- Why did the Quidditch ball go to school? To get a little more “pitch.”
- Why did Draco Malfoy get hit by a bike? He was in the “mud-blood.”
- Why did the Sorting Hat go to therapy? It couldn’t “sort out” its feelings.
- Why was Madam Hooch great at parties? She always “pitched” in.
- Why did the basilisk stop hissing? It had a “tongue-tied” issue.
- What do you call a witch who only eats plants? Herbi-mione.
- What’s Hagrid’s favorite exercise? Giant “lifts.”
- Why was the Triwizard Tournament called off? It couldn’t find a “Fourth Champion.”
- Why did the Dementor visit the dentist? It needed to work on its “soul” extraction.
- What do you call a wizard who can’t stop talking? Chatter-potter.
- Why don’t Hogwarts students use cellphones? They prefer “Owls.”
- Why was Sirius Black so good at Hide and Seek? He always knew how to “Padfoot” around.
- Why did the Weasleys never play chess at home? Because the board was always “knighted.”
- Why was Dumbledore a good dancer? He had the “Elder Swag.”
- How do wizards clean their robes? With a “Tergeo” spell.
- Why did Harry always carry an umbrella? He didn’t want to be “caught in the spell.”
- Why was Ron afraid of spiders? He heard they were “Weasley-ing” up the walls.
- Why don’t wizards get haircuts? They prefer “Trim-magic.”
- Why was Snape good at fashion design? He always had the “Sever-us” touch.
- What do you call a wizard in a suit? Dumble-dressed.
- Why did Harry become a gardener? He had a “green wand.”
- What’s a wizard’s favorite ice cream flavor? Butterbeer Blast.
- Why was the Whomping Willow always angry? It had “branching” issues.
- Why did the Marauder’s Map never win at poker? It always “folded.”
- Why was Professor Sprout good at boxing? She always knew how to “punch” in.
- How do Hogwarts students get high scores? They always “Raven-claw” their way up.
- Why was Nearly Headless Nick not good at secrets? You could always “see through” him.
- Why did the broomstick go to therapy? It had “sweeping” issues.
- What do you call a wizard with a cold? Sneezy Potter.
- Why was the potion class always full? Everyone was eager to “stir things up.”
- Why did the broomstick get a parking ticket? It was caught “hovering.”
- What’s a wizard’s favorite type of music? W-rock.
- Why did the Dementor break up with his girlfriend? She took his breath away.
- Why was the Polyjuice Potion a bad mixer? It was always “switching” tastes.
- Why was Moaning Myrtle always sad? She had “drain-ing” problems.
- Why did the owl sit on the alphabet? To get to the “owl-phabets.”
- Why did the wizard go to the beach? To “catch some rays.”
- Why was Aragog bad at chess? He always moved in “eight directions.”
- What’s a wizard’s favorite type of dog? A “Bark-magic.”
- Why was Professor Trelawney always late? She had “time-seeing” problems.
- Why don’t wizards play basketball? They’re afraid of “dunking” their wands.
- Why did the centaur fail his driving test? He was always “horse-ing” around.
- Why did Harry go to the bakery? He heard they were making “Dumble-dough.”
- Why don’t wizards use watches? They have “Time Spells.”
- How do Hogwarts students cure hiccups? With a “stop-hic” spell.
- Why did the wizard go to the music concert? He wanted to “tune” his wand.
- What do you call a clumsy wizard? “Fumble-dore.”
- Why did the snitch get a time out? It wasn’t playing “fair.”
- Why was Professor Flitwick good at architecture? He always had the “charm.”
- Why don’t wizards use radios? They prefer “Sonorus.”
- Why did Harry go to the bar? He heard they were serving “Voldemo-tinis.”
- Why was the Hogwarts train always on time? It had “platform 9 ¾.”
- Why don’t Hogwarts students use elevators? They prefer “Apparition.”
- Why was the Quidditch game canceled? The balls were having a “strike.”
- Why did the wizard go to the casino? He had a “magic” touch.
- Why was the Death Eater bad at stand-up comedy? His jokes were “dead” on arrival.
- Why did the Basilisk stop playing hide and seek? Everyone kept “peeking.”
- Why did the wizard become a carpenter? He was good at “wand-ling.”
- Why don’t wizards use mirrors? They prefer “Reflecto” spells.
- Why was the Hogwarts Express a bad runner? It always “trained.”
- Why did the wizard join the circus? He loved “magic” tricks.
- Why did Harry become a sculptor? He had a “stone” touch.
- Why was Ron bad at cooking? His food was always “Weasley-ing” out.
- Why don’t Hogwarts students use vacuum cleaners? They prefer “Broomsticks.”
- Why did the Dementor become a dentist? He loved “extracting” things.
- Why did the wizard become a policeman? He was good at “spell-ing” out the law.
- Why was the ghost a bad liar? You could see right through him.
- Why did Harry become a poet? He had a way with “words.”
- Why don’t wizards use keys? They have “Alohomora.”
- Why was the owl always writing letters? He was an “Owl-thor.”
- Why don’t Hogwarts students use lamps? They have “Lumos.”
- Why did Harry go to the football game? He wanted to “catch” the action.
- Why was the wizard a bad fisherman? He always cast the wrong “spell.”
- Why did the wizard become a weatherman? He had a “climate” spell.
- Why did the wizard open a restaurant? He had a “taste” for magic.
- Why did the wizard go to the gym? He wanted to “work-out” his magic.
- Why don’t Hogwarts students use pens? They have “Quills.”