150 conservative jokes

Why did the conservative bring a ladder to the debate? To get over the liberal’s walls of text.
Why don’t conservatives ever play hide and seek? Because good luck hiding when taxes are still in sight.
How does a conservative break up with his girlfriend? “Honey, we need to talk about fiscal responsibility.”
Why do conservatives make terrible comedians? They believe in less regulation, not less punchlines.
What do you call a conservative at a recycling bin? Confused. He’s used to conserving, not reusing.
Why did the conservative cross the road? Because the business on the other side wasn’t being taxed yet.
Why don’t conservatives make good gardeners? They’re not big fans of grass-roots movements.
What’s a conservative’s favorite type of music? Anything but progressive rock.
Why did the conservative refuse to play chess? The king was taking too much welfare.
Why did the conservative go to the baseball game? He heard there were no left fielders.
What’s a conservative’s favorite clothing brand? Gap. Because it reminds them of the income variety.
What do conservatives use to spice up their food? The tears of overtaxed businesses.
How do conservatives diet? They cut the fat… from the budget.
Why was the conservative bad at basketball? He refused to make a left turn.
Why was the conservative’s computer so slow? It had too many government programs running.
What do you call a conservative’s pet canary? A small business owner, because it never stops tweeting.
What’s the conservative’s favorite game? Monopoly, because it’s all about private property.
Why was the conservative a bad artist? He refused to use liberal amounts of paint.
Why don’t conservatives do well in marathons? Because they always try to run on a balanced budget.
Why don’t conservatives play poker? They don’t believe in redistribution of wealth.
Why did the conservative go fishing? He wanted to see what life was like before regulation.
What’s a conservative’s favorite type of coffee? A flat tax white.
Why don’t conservatives make good DJs? They keep trying to turn the music right.
Why was the conservative reluctant to jump on a trampoline? He was afraid of unnecessary ups and downs, just like the stock market.
What’s a conservative’s least favorite type of workout? Progressive overload.
Why do conservatives prefer manual cars? Automatic is too much like government control.
Why don’t conservatives enjoy poetry? They can’t appreciate the free verse.
Why was the conservative scared of the seesaw? It reminded him of economic fluctuations.
What’s a conservative’s favorite kitchen utensil? The budget knife.
Why don’t conservatives like to swim in the ocean? They’re afraid of encountering a blue wave.
What’s a conservative’s favorite bedtime story? The one where the little guy beats big government.
Why was the conservative afraid of roller coasters? They reminded him of the welfare state: lots of ups, downs, and a lot of unnecessary screaming.
Why don’t conservatives play Jenga? They hate watching towers fall, especially if they’re made of money.
Why are conservatives bad at origami? They don’t like folding under pressure, especially from liberals.
Why don’t conservatives go camping? They’re afraid of bear markets.
What’s a conservative’s favorite dance? The tax cut shuffle.
Why don’t conservatives enjoy magic shows? They don’t believe in quick fixes.
Why do conservatives make terrible bakers? They always cut too much dough.
Why did the conservative refuse to see the chiropractor? He didn’t want anyone adjusting his backbone.
Why did the conservative keep a picture of his wallet? It was his idea of a still life.
What’s a conservative’s least favorite type of fruit? Red apples – they remind him of education spending.
Why did the conservative refuse to play pool? Because all the balls were too dependent on the cue ball.
Why did the conservative go to the beach? He wanted to see the tide turn.
Why was the conservative bad at jumping rope? He didn’t want to make any unnecessary leaps.
Why don’t conservatives enjoy ballet? Too many unnecessary spins.
What’s a conservative’s favorite kitchen appliance? The shredder, for all the unnecessary government paperwork.
Why did the conservative refuse to play pinball? He didn’t like the idea of being bounced around.
Why was the conservative bad at ping pong? He didn’t like back and forth policies.
Why did the conservative buy a treadmill? He wanted to run for office.
What’s a conservative’s favorite drink? The tea party brew.
Why was the conservative afraid of the escalator? It was an unnecessary rise.
Why don’t conservatives go skydiving? They’re not fond of free falls, especially in the economy.
Why did the conservative refuse to play golf? He was tired of being in the red.
What’s a conservative’s favorite type of car? A conservative compact.
Why do conservatives never become chefs? They can’t stand the heat in the kitchen, especially when cooking the books.
Why don’t conservatives like participating in relays? They’re afraid of passing the baton of responsibility.
What’s a conservative’s favorite season? Tax return season.
Why did the conservative never play in the sandbox as a kid? He didn’t want to deal with shifting boundaries.
Why don’t conservatives like skydiving? It reminds them too much of plunging stock markets.
What’s a conservative’s favorite type of math? Subtracting from the federal budget.
What do conservatives use to measure distance? The length of tax code.
Why don’t conservatives play video games? They can’t stand artificial intelligence – it reminds them too much of government bureaucracy.
Why don’t conservatives like bungee jumping? Too much rebound.
Why did the conservative go to the farm? He wanted to see free-range capitalism.
What’s a conservative’s favorite type of clock? The one that’s always running out of time for government regulations.
Why don’t conservatives make good painters? They’re afraid of too many shades of gray.
Why did the conservative refuse to buy a boat? He didn’t want anything to do with sinking funds.
Why did the conservative refuse to play monopoly? He didn’t want to deal with property tax.
What’s a conservative’s favorite type of tire? The one with less government tread.
Why did the conservative get a telescope? He wanted a long-term vision.
Why was the conservative a bad surfer? He didn’t like riding the blue wave.
Why did the conservative get a compass? He was tired of the political left and right.
Why did the conservative refuse to eat cake? He heard it was made with public dough.
Why don’t conservatives like horror movies? They’re afraid of big government popping out at them.
What’s a conservative’s least favorite type of film? Anything in the red.
Why was the conservative a terrible dancer? He couldn’t move left.
What do you call a conservative in a fruit shop? A fiscal cherry picker.
Why do conservatives always carry a compass? They want to ensure they’re never leaning left.
Why did the conservative take a ruler to bed? He wanted to see how long he slept.
Why don’t conservatives like acrobats? They can’t stand flips and spins.
Why was the conservative bad at yoga? He couldn’t bend to the left.
Why did the conservative go to the zoo? He wanted to see laissez-faire in action.
Why did the conservative become a cab driver? He wanted to steer clear of the left lane.
Why don’t conservatives like playing Tetris? Too much government block.
Why did the conservative refuse to play darts? He didn’t like to aim left.
Why don’t conservatives go rock climbing? They’re worried about the fiscal cliff.
Why do conservatives hate elevators? They don’t like anything that lifts you up without effort.
What’s a conservative’s favorite type of movie? Capitalism: A Love Story.
Why do conservatives dislike the dentist? They’re against any form of extraction, especially taxes.
Why did the conservative refuse to play cards? He didn’t like the idea of a big deal.
What’s a conservative’s favorite day of the week? Sunday, because it’s the farthest from tax day.
Why was the conservative a bad actor? He refused to play any left-wing characters.
Why did the conservative go to the ballet? He heard there was a right-wing performance.
Why did the conservative join the circus? He wanted to walk the tight budget line.
Why don’t conservatives like shopping? Too many sales tax.
Why was the conservative a bad singer? He couldn’t hit a high tax note.
Why did the conservative refuse to play the lottery? It was a public spending program.
Why don’t conservatives make good sailors? They can’t stand left-leaning boats.
What’s a conservative’s favorite type of bird? The eagle – because it’s soaring above the taxes.
Why did the conservative refuse to join the football team? He didn’t want to lean left or right.
What’s a conservative’s favorite type of cat? The one that doesn’t depend on handouts.
Why don’t conservatives like high heels? They remind them of tax hikes.
Why was the conservative a bad musician? He refused to play any progressive beats.
Why do conservatives make terrible mountain climbers? They’re afraid of progressive heights.
What’s a conservative’s favorite nursery rhyme? Jack and Jill went up the fiscal hill.
Why don’t conservatives make good archaeologists? They don’t like digging for public goods.
Why did the conservative refuse to ride a bike? It was too bi-partisan.
Why did the conservative bring a compass to the museum? He didn’t want to end up in the left wing.
Why was the conservative a bad magician? He couldn’t pull public benefits out of a hat.
Why did the conservative refuse to eat spaghetti? It reminded him of entangled government regulations.
Why don’t conservatives like playing Twister? It’s too left-leaning.
Why was the conservative bad at baking? He couldn’t handle the dough deficit.
Why did the conservative refuse to use a map? He didn’t want to follow the left path.
Why don’t conservatives make good golfers? They’re always trying to avoid the left swing.
Why did the conservative refuse to join the orchestra? He didn’t want to play second fiddle to the government.
Why don’t conservatives like fireworks? Too much public expenditure.
Why did the conservative refuse to play billiards? He was against pocketing anything.
Why did the conservative go to the circus? He wanted to see the elephant.
Why don’t conservatives make good sculptors? They can’t handle the chiseling away of their income.
Why did the conservative refuse to play the stock market? It was too much like gambling with other people’s money.
Why don’t conservatives like comic books? Too much redistribution of power.
Why did the conservative refuse to go ice skating? He didn’t want to slide to the left.
Why was the conservative a terrible chef? He couldn’t handle the heat of public scrutiny.
Why don’t conservatives like roller skating? They’re afraid of rolling downhill.
What’s a conservative’s favorite type of tree? The one that doesn’t lean left.
Why did the conservative refuse to wear a tie? He didn’t want to be choked by government regulations.
Why don’t conservatives like to play hangman? They’re against capital punishment.
Why did the conservative refuse to go scuba diving? He didn’t want to sink into public debt.
What’s a conservative’s favorite type of dog? A watchdog – keeping an eye on government spending.
Why don’t conservatives like playing tic-tac-toe? Too much cross-sharing.
Why was the conservative a bad gymnast? He couldn’t handle the uneven bars.
Why don’t conservatives like tightrope walking? They hate balancing acts.
Why did the conservative refuse to join the choir? He didn’t want to pay dues.
What’s a conservative’s favorite type of race? The one without welfare.
Why don’t conservatives like flying kites? They don’t believe in artificially keeping things up.
Why did the conservative refuse to play the flute? He didn’t want to blow it on government tunes.
Why don’t conservatives like to play dominoes? They’re afraid of the ripple effect.
Why was the conservative a bad football player? He didn’t want to run left.
Why don’t conservatives like puppet shows? They remind them too much of government manipulation.
Why did the conservative refuse to play hockey? He didn’t want to be on thin ice with the public.
Why don’t conservatives make good drivers? They hate taking left turns.
Why did the conservative refuse to eat popcorn at the movies? He didn’t want to support Hollywood’s liberal agenda.
Why don’t conservatives like to climb trees? They’re afraid of falling for green policies.
Why did the conservative refuse to take a nap? He didn’t want to slack off.
What’s a conservative’s favorite type of pie? One without a slice taken out for taxes.
Why don’t conservatives like crossword puzzles? They can’t handle being boxed in by the government.
Why did the conservative refuse to learn to juggle? He didn’t want to drop the ball on fiscal responsibility.
Why don’t conservatives like to go caroling? They don’t like to sing the praises of the government.
Why did the conservative refuse to wear a hat? He didn’t want to tip his hat to the government.
Why don’t conservatives like to play hopscotch? They hate jumping through government hoops.

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